“Newsflash, kid, people can tell your pregnant,” he growls.
I roll my eyes as he grabs my hand and pulls me out of bed. I quickly find my footing as he drags me in front of the mirror. He touches his hand to my stomach and my eyes go wide as the material clings to the slight swell of my belly.
When did that happen?
“But I’m only twelve weeks,” I say more to myself than to him.
“Right, about that,” he starts, meeting my gaze in the mirror. “Your mother and I did the math and you’re about finished with your first trimester which means it’s time to reevaluate the decision about your meds.”
“I’m fine,” I defend.
“Lace, you’re talking to me,” he says softly as he turns me to face him. Lifting a hand to my cheek, the lines around his eyes pinch together as he offers me a sad smile. “You don’t have to pretend with me, yeah?”
“I’m not pretending,” I lie. “Am I sad? Yes, my husband overdosed and while I’m grateful he’s alive, it doesn’t hurt any less knowing he won’t be around when this baby is born. I’m allowed to be upset about that. It doesn’t mean I’m on the verge of losing my shit.”
Doesn’t it?
Not today, bitch.
“There’s a difference between being upset and being depressed Lace, and when people like you and me fall into that depression, we can’t bounce back as quickly.” He pauses, cocking his head to the side as he drops his hand from my face. “I saw Dr. Spiegel yesterday. There’s apparently some new drug she wants me to try.”
“Good for you,” I say, crossing my arms under my breasts. “I hope it works out.”
“I swore I wouldn’t be a guinea pig,” he continues. “That I was done eating pills to keep me sane but when she mentioned this new treatment, I instantly thought of you. I thought about how strong you are and the sacrifices you’re willing to make for your child.”
“It’s not a sacrifice,” I whisper.
“You’re right,” he agrees with a nod. “When it comes to our kids, it never is. I’m going to try these meds because if I want to beat this thing for you. If I can shed a little light on that darkness for you, then you’re right, it ain’t a sacrifice. It’s a goddamn gift.”
“Look, Dad, I appreciate that. I swear I do. But I’m okay—”
“You’re not!” He rakes a hand roughly through his hair as he peers at me. “When Lauren was pregnant, she took pictures. Lots of fucking pictures. I know because Riggs would hang them up in Pipe’s garage. She documented every week of her pregnancy. According to Pipe, Layla is driving him crazy about a nursery and she’s only a little further along than you. Now, I don’t remember too much of Reina’s pregnancy because I was up to my ears in club shit, but I do remember coming home every night and arguing about names.”
“What’s your point?”
“Things aren’t the way you pictured them, Lace,” he murmurs, tears filling his eyes.
When I hurt, he hurts.
“But you’re not alone. This is still a special time in your life, and it’ll be over before you know it. I just don’t want you to look back on these days and only feel sadness. The happiest days of your life shouldn’t be the darkest and if Blackie was here, he’d say the same thing.”
Hearing him say my husband’s name causes my eyes to fill but I keep the tears at bay and listen as he continues.
“I’m not defending him. He broke his promise to me too. He gave me his word; swore he’d keep your heart safe and now I’m watching it break in front of my eyes. If I could bring him back to you, I would. I’d snap my fucking fingers and heal him. I’d make him realize he’s more than an addict but I’m not that powerful. I can only help my daughter. You just need to let me.”
I give in to the tears and let them fall freely down my cheeks as my father pleads with me.
“I love you,” I whisper. “I know I don’t always show it and I mostly give you a hard time, but I love you so much and I wanted so badly for this baby and Blackie to have a relationship like ours.”
He takes my hand and squeezes it tightly.
“They still can,” he rasps. “Blackie wants this baby, Lacey. He wants you too. He just has to allow himself to have you both. I know you don’t want to hear this, but maybe being away is what he needs. I think we’ve all ignored how badly he suffers from addiction and that’s mainly because he hides it well. He bounces back all the damn time and we forget the struggles. We block out the times we found him at the bottom of a bottle or clinging to a needle. But he doesn’t. He never forgets. He plays those moments over and over in his head like a bad record and relives every high. How do you fault a man for drowning when no one ever taught him how to swim?”
I want to believe everything my father is saying but I’m so afraid of what happens if he’s wrong. Yes, I’m terrified of having this baby alone. However, I’m even more fearful of him breaking her heart. Of her loving him and losing him. I don’t want to be in my father’s shoes, watching as my little girl falls apart.
“Lace? Jack?” My mother calls from the doorway. “I’m sorry. Reina told me to come up. Am I interrupting?”
Keeping his eyes on me, my dad wipes my tears and shakes his head.
“No, I think we’re just about done here,” he replies, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Lacey is going to need a few minutes to get dressed but then she’ll be good to go, isn’t that right?”
Robotically, I nod. As much as I want to crawl into bed, I can’t.
“That’s my girl,” he murmurs softly before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Nico is downstairs. He’s going to drive you wherever you two want to go,” he says, leaning back.
Ever since the lockdown, Nico has been put on Parrish duty. I don’t know who is more annoyed by the order, my father or him. They butt heads all day long.
“You just want him out of your hair,” I tease, forcing a smile as I sniffle.
“Damn straight,” my father agrees. “That kid is worse than a hemorrhoid.” Fishing into his back pocket, he pulls out his credit card and moves to hand it to my mother. “Anything she wants, she gets.”
“Oh,” she teases, winking at me. “It’s been a while since I had fun with your credit card.”
“Connie,” my father warns.
“Relax, Jack,” she assures, patting his shoulder. “We won’t go crazy. But all bets are off if we hit a baby store. After all, we’re talking about our first grandchild.”
“You have my permission to go buck wild if she finds something for the baby,” he says, turning to me. “In fact, I think that should be your first stop. Get our girl excited, Connie. She’s overdue.”
Fucking hormones.
All they do is make me cry.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Blackie
Thirty days had come and gone without any contact from the people I love. Sunny and the rest of the crew here say the ban on the outside world is imperative to an addict’s recovery. They claim it’s a time for us to be one with ourselves and face all the things we try to hide from without interruption. I guess they have a point. Without any distractions, I’ve had one brutal realization after another. I’ve come to terms with a lot of things and realize I have a long road ahead of me. The things that are broken inside of me can’t be fixed overnight and if I want to make a conscious effort at making things right, I have to be patient with myself.