“Before or after you call your wife?”
And, Sunny, she’s still a persistent little tree hugger.
The timer sounds signaling that our session is over, and the circle breaks up. Before Sunny can get me alone and torture me some more, I get the hell out of dodge. I’ve got an hour before we meet for dinner and two before I hold myself up in my room for the night. For a moment I think about hitting the gym but as I pass the call room, I pause. Poking my head inside, I spot the phone on the end table. The fact it’s free is like a fucking sign and I blow out a breath as I make my way inside the room. Closing the door behind me, I flick the switch on the wall that lights up the sign outside the room, signaling the phone is in use and make my way towards the chair.
Taking a seat, I reach for the phone. My fingers loom over the keys for a beat before I punch in Lacey’s cell number. My heart hammers against my ribs on the first ring and by the third, my fucking palms are sweating. Luckily, she answers on the fourth, sparring me another heart attack.
“Hello?”
It’s almost as if I’m hearing her voice for the first time. The world stops and I savor the moment, committing the sound to my memory.
“Hello? Oh, you know what, I’ve had enough of this shit. I don’t want to extend the warranty on my car, and I don’t have any student loans I need help with. I’m pregnant but I don’t need a medical grade back brace yet and if this is Jason from Solar U.S.A. I already told you my roof caved in from your fucking solar panels. Now, stop fucking calling me!”
I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips and suddenly the line goes silent. Fearing she hung up, I sober up quickly and call her name.
“Lace.”
“Is it really you?” she whispers.
Smiling, I nod like she’s right in front of me and can see me.
“Yeah, baby, it’s me,” I rasp huskily. “Is this okay?”
“It’s good to hear your voice,” she replies softly. “And yes, it’s okay.”
Relieved, I sigh and settle back against the chair. My mind goes blank and all the things I’ve been wishing to say to her flee me. I just listen to her breathe and as weird as it sounds, it soothes me. It fucking calms the chaos inside of me. She may not be what I need to heal, but she’ll always be the medicine I choose. I don’t need poison. I don’t even want it. I just want her.
“Blackie,” she murmurs. “Are you there?”
“Yes,” I croak. “I’m trying to process this moment,” I admit, blowing out a breath. “It’s a big one, baby.”
“It’s just me,” she says softly.
“That’s just it, Lace,” I reply hoarsely. “It’s you.” Realizing I’m fucking this up, I shake my head. “I’m making this weird, aren’t I?”
She laughs softly and I swear the sound is even better than I remember. Maybe I don’t miss seeing her lying beside me the most. Maybe it’s her laugh I miss the most.
“A little bit,” she admits.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her as I try to pull my shit together. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. The morning sickness stopped a while ago and I’m not so sure that’s a good thing considering I gained ten pounds last month. My doctor told me I need to slow down, but it’s like I’m always hungry.”
I smile at that.
“Your dad told me about the pizza cravings, and I’ve been trying to picture you eating a pie by yourself.”
“That pie didn’t stand a chance.”
Laughing, I comb my fingers through my hair and close my eyes as her voice continues to fill my ears.
“They told me you shaved,” she says. “I’ve been trying to picture that.”
“You don’t have to picture, Lace,” I say, opening my eyes. “You can come here and see it for yourself,” I add. There is no bitterness in my tone. It’s a simple suggestion…or maybe it’s a plea. I know I don’t got a right to ask anything of her and I don’t want to fuck things up but if I don’t say it, I’ll regret it and I’ve got enough of those to last me two lifetimes. “I don’t mean to push you. I just miss you.”
“I miss you too,” she murmurs. Silence fills the line and I become desperate for her voice. “Soon,” she adds softly. I never knew a single word could provoke so much hope in a person.
“I’ll be waiting,” I say.
Every day.
For as long as it takes.
Until the end of time.
I’ll wait.
“Thank you for sending the sonogram picture.”
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
“Amazing isn’t even the word,” I argue, wishing I had it with me. It would’ve been nice to look at while listening to Lacey’s voice. It would’ve made me feel closer to them and not worlds apart. “We created that,” I rasp.
“I still can’t believe it,” she admits
Me neither. Having a hand in making something so beautiful is mind boggling to me. I’ll never understand why God chose me to be this baby’s father, I can only be grateful for the blessing.
“So, what about you? How are you doing? Dad and Reina told me you’re making a lot of progress.”
“Yeah, it’s amazing what rehab can do for you when you actually make an effort. My counselor is a trip, though. She rides my ass and puts me in my place.”
“Sounds like my kind of girl,” she teases.
“You’d probably love her.”
“If she helps you, there’s no doubt.”
“If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell a soul.”
“Cross my heart.”
“I’m serious, Lace, my reputation as a badass biker is at risk, here.”
I could give a fuck about my reputation or my street credit. It all means shit anyway. But that laugh she gives after I tell her that...I want more of that. So much more.
“Your secret is safe with me,” she says through a chuckle.
“She makes me meditate,” I confess. Patiently, I wait for her laugh, but it never comes.
“Does it help?” she asks instead. The question knocks me off kilter and forces me to accept that it does help me. All the things I thought I was too good for are turning out to be the things I need.
“As much as I hate to admit it, it does,” I reply. “A lot of the things I’m doing here are things I wouldn’t have been caught dead doing and yet, I’m discovering each one of them plays an important role in my recovery.”
She doesn’t say anything and a moment later I hear her sniffle.
“Are you crying?”
“No,” she lies.
“Fuck,” I hiss, tugging at the ends of my hair. “Lacey, baby, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“They’re happy tears, Blackie.”
I haven’t given her many of those.
“Happy tears,” I repeat.
“Yes, you sound so—ouch!”
“Lace?”
Panic rolls through me as she remains silent.
“Lacey, what happened?” I ask frantically as I lean forward, ready to jump out of the chair. A lot good that’ll do me. “Are you okay?” I growl, clenching my free hand into a fist.