“I’m using toilet paper for now,” she whispers. “And over there is…” She stops, clearly embarrassed by the pile of clothing on the floor.
“Well, guess what?” I say, pulling out a plastic bag from my tote. “They make these special machines now that take care of all that.” I scoop up the pile of clothes and stuff it in the bag. After knotting it, I remove the rest of the contents of the tote and replace them with the dirty clothes.
“What are you doing?” she asks with concern.
“I’ll wash them with my stuff so your uncle doesn’t see it.”
Relief floods her face, and she finally straightens her legs to reach for the packages I brought. “These are the pads?” she asks.
I nod. “I brought a few different sizes so you can see which ones you like. We’ll tackle tampons another time.” I open a box and pluck one from the neat row of mini-packages. “Here, try this one first.”
She takes it and studies it for a second, turning it over in her hands.
“You just unwrap it… yep, like that. And see that strip of paper on the bottom? Pull that off and that sticky part attaches to the inside of your underwear. I’ll show you this cool app where you can keep track so you’re more prepared next time.”
“Okay,” she says quietly. Her gaze shoots to her dresser, and I pretend to busy myself with the boxes again.
“Why don’t you go to the bathroom and try it while I talk to your uncle for a minute?”
Her eyes flare with alarm. “You’re not going to tell him, are you?”
I squeeze her arm. “No details, I promise, but he needs to know the general stuff. He’s going to have to buy you what you need long-term.”
She shakes her head. “Can’t you just get it for me?”
I smile and rub her arm before letting go. “He’s going to understand. I promise. Don’t worry about that part. I’ll take care of it. You just go shower and try that new pad, okay?”
She bites her lip, still looking uncertain as she moves to her dresser. After pulling out a change of clothes, she starts toward the door and turns back suddenly. “It’s just, maybe we should tell him tomorrow. He’s had a really bad day.”
Yeah, I know. We all did thanks to him.
Her face falls, her eyes glossy again as she grips the door handle. “My dad came back this morning.”
I’m still reeling when Naomi heads to the bathroom with a change of clothes and fresh sanitary pad. Guilt showers over me, disappointment in myself for missing such an important mitigating factor of his behavior. Julian only cares about two things: The band and Naomi. For him to mess up his music so badly, I should have known it had something to do with Naomi.
The shower springs to life in the bathroom across the hall, and I push myself up from the floor. The kitchen and main living area look dark when I peek down the hall, but there’s light coming from under Julian’s closed bedroom door in the other direction.
I trudge toward it slowly, still not sure what to say to him, but knowing I owe him the courtesy of trying. I’m not sure what Naomi meant by her “dad came back” but I know there’s nothing good about that sentence for Julian.
Knocking quietly on his door, I inhale deeply and prepare for the worst.
“Come in,” he says. “Everything okay? Hadley said—” He stops, looking flustered again when he sees me duck into his room. “Oh, sorry. Thought you were Naomi. Is she okay?”
I swallow, suddenly reading his worn spirit in a whole new light. “She’s fine. Nothing a shower and sanitary pad can’t fix. I’ll check in with her before I leave to make sure she’s good to go for overnight bleeding and… never mind. I’ll check in with her.”
He looks relieved, if a little pallid. “Thanks. I… thanks. Um, what do I owe you for the stuff you brought? Also, what exactly is it that I need to buy?”
My heart melts a little at his earnestness. He’s trying so hard. How did I peg him so wrong… again? “I’ll get you a list of what you’ll have to stock for her moving forward.”
“That would be great, thanks. Hey, I’m sorry about today.” He swallows, adjusting on his mattress. It’s then that I notice the piles of papers circled around him. What is he doing? “I acted like a dick. I just… had a rough morning and then I saw you and I don’t know. I panicked.”
“You panicked?”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m not used to sleeping with girls I want to sleep with again.”
I stare at him, struggling to pick through that strange and wonderful statement. It’s kind of sweet in a weird, borderline-insulting way.
His hand shoots into his hair, and he grunts as he tugs it. “Sorry. That came out wrong. What I mean is, I really like you, Hadley. And I know I’m screwing this up, but I don’t know how it’s supposed to go and right now the timing just sucks because…” He fans his hand over the piles of papers.
He looks surprised when I ignore his bumbling apology and lower myself to the edge of the mattress instead. “What is all this stuff?” I ask, picking up the closest pile.
“Mostly legal stuff. I printed out everything I could find on getting legal guardianship of a minor in the state of California. I even spoke to three lawyers tonight. I just don’t know…” He drops the pile he’s holding in disgust and leans back against the headboard. “How the hell I’m going to do all of this, let alone pay for it.”
He draws in a ragged breath, crushed by the weight of some invisible monster.
My shock must be all over my face. I feel the extra air on my wide eyes. “You want to apply for permanent guardianship of Naomi? Does she know about this?”
“No!” he rushes out, straightening. “And she can’t. Not until I figure it all out and make sure I can make it happen. Plus, I want to give her a say. If it’s not what she wants, then we’ll have to come up with a Plan B.”
He picks up another pile, scanning the first page before exchanging it for another one. “There are so many rules. And there’s this hearing, but I have to get Allan to sign off or we’ll have to fight it out in court. And… fuck!” He drops the pile again, cringing when he remembers me. “Sorry. Fudge.”
I smile, but there’s no substance to it. How can there be when he’s collapsing right in front of me? Gosh, he looks exhausted. Bags I’ve never seen before hang under his eyes. The usual fire that so captivates me has dimmed into a dull flame. He looks lost. Broken.
He’s terrified he’s going to lose her.
My chest constricts as I watch him hurt and love and fight in a way I may never understand. I push a pile of papers to the side and inch up the mattress until I’m seated beside him, my back also to the headboard. He glances over at me in surprise when I pull the pages from his hands as well.
“What are you doing?” he asks. Even his voice sounds tired.
I grip his hand in mine and bring it to my lips, my eyes still locked on his.
“You’re not still mad?” he breathes out in relief.
Emotion burns deep inside me. If only he knew. “A lot can change in an hour.”