Life was so unfair.
Just as I was walking away, Gigi pulled me aside. “How was it, Scar?”
I heard the fear in her voice. Her big blue eyes were ready to shed tears if I said something that would hurt her. I loved Gigi; she was my best friend, the one person who always had my back. We’d been friends since kindergarten. I couldn’t tell her how I felt. She couldn’t know that, for three seconds, everything in my life made sense.
Instead, I looked at her and smiled. “Eh, it was just a kiss, Gigi. No big deal.”
She wasn’t able to hide her relief. Her face lit up with a smile, and her blue eyes started to sparkle.
“I hope it goes better for me; I’m trying again at Kim’s party.” She twirled a piece of her brown hair as she spoke.
I may have nodded, or I may have smiled, but I knew that I was dreading Kimberly’s party. What if I kissed someone else and I didn’t find my three seconds of happiness? Did I want to find out if it was a hit or miss?
I did. Because not knowing was going to drive me mad. I wanted to know if what I felt was something special or if it was just a fluke. I wanted to kiss someone else so, for three seconds, I could forget about everything and feel bliss.
So even if a part of me was scared that I wasn’t going to find three magical seconds with someone else, I had to try.
One
“You’re ready, Scarlett.”
Those were the key words to make me jump-start my life and live again. Not like I actually jumped or was excited to go back to “normal.” Whatever that entailed. My life had been a series of breakdowns, hits, and misses. Those three factors seemed to control me.
At least they used to.
When my shrink said it was time to stop being scared and just go out and live well, I had plans to finally enroll in a university instead of continuing in community college, but my brother Nick had other ideas. We fought, we argued, and in the end, I was going to the university he was going to be coaching at. I told myself I would barely see him since he was going to be all about football while I would be submerged in books.
I was a grown-up, and I didn’t need my brother to fight my battles for me, but at the same time, he was all I had. He’d stood by me when I went batshit crazy, and despite that, he didn’t hold it against me.
So, yeah, I grew up. For some, it’s slow and steady; time lets you be reckless and stupid. Make mistakes, and you learn from them. For others, it’s fast; they see the world, and they know things can’t stay as they are.
For me, it was a mixture of the two. I had life rip me to shreds and spit me back out. Too numb to feel, I let myself dive headfirst into something I knew was not meant for me. Three years later, and here I was telling myself that I’d grown and my mistakes did not define me. Well, at least that’s what my therapist said.
The air was starting to get fresh and the leaves were losing some of their vivid green, a sure sign fall was just around the corner. Not that it ever got too cold in Northern California.
I sat in my car, looking at the house that was in front of me. This was going to be my home for the next year. This was the place I would use to let go of my every fuck-up and reinvent myself.
One of the reasons my brother wanted me near was because he believed I got anxiety with massive crowds and that was the reason I went to community college. In reality, I had no problem with massive crowds. I enjoyed getting lost in a sea of people who didn’t give a crap about me. You left me alone, I had no problem with you. My triggers were him and her. Well, they were since I hadn’t seen either of them since that night. And my nightmares were the other trigger, but since I hadn’t had one in three years, I was okay. I was finally healed.
So, I wasn’t going to think about the fact that my brother got a coaching position at this college and used it as an opportunity to drag me with him. My cheering and dancing days were long gone, and the campus was big enough. I would never run into my brother. The second part was, since my cheering days were over, I wouldn’t have to run into them either.
Nick had no idea what had happened on my senior prom night. He had no idea the guy that had just helped him get a job had deflowered his baby sister. Not that he had that much power, but he was the number one running back in the county, and he and Nick were comfortable with each other since my brother had been helping him for a long time.
Shaking my head, I let go of all the memories of him, her, and me. Here I was starting fresh, and I didn’t need to walk into campus with webs dangling off me.
Grabbing my purse, I made my way to the house. I knocked on the door timidly, and a part of me knew this was not like me. I didn’t used to be scared of anything; I would jump into crowds and talk to people freely. Now, even looking at my own reflection frightened me.
The door opened, and a gorgeous brunette stood at the entrance.
“Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for Audrey,” I said low enough to be considered a whisper.
“Auds! Someone is at the door for you!” she yelled loud enough that I was sure the whole block heard.
It took a few seconds, but Audrey came, and I was able to breathe properly again. She was about the only person I’d kept in contact with since I left everything behind, and that was because she was tenacious and didn’t give up on me. She texted and called until I was forced to answer her so she would leave me alone. She made sure to stay in my life because she saw that I needed a friend. She was right—I didn’t tell her that, but it was just who Audrey was. She just knew these things.
When I’d finally decided to come to college, she was the first person I called. Well, the only person I could call. Everyone else was nonexistent in my life. Audrey was more than happy to have me, and since one of her roommates had moved out, she’d offered me a place to live.
Anything was better than living with Nick.
“Scarlett.” Audrey smiled at me, her gorgeous tan skin striking against her white teeth.
She hugged me to her body tightly, and I couldn’t breathe. Feeling a little awkward, I patted her back.
“Hey, Auds,” I said as she pulled away.
Her eyes went soft, and she moved aside, gesturing for me to come in.
“I’m so happy you’re here.” Audrey looped her arm with mine and led me into the house.
Whether I wanted it or not, I was about to collide with my past, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face it. Audrey led me through their condo. It was cute, clean, girly, decorated. Audrey’s parents were well-off, so she had lived here since her freshman year. She’d come to the clinic I had checked into and offered me a room.
I’d declined; I wasn’t in the state of mind to be anywhere near this campus. I told myself I wouldn’t run into him, so I was safe.
“This is your room,” Audrey said as she motioned to the room that was on the first floor near the back entrance. It was painted an ivory color, with a full-size bed with a black comforter. “I’m so glad you’re here, Scar.”
“Thank you. I’m going to get settled.” I gave her a brief smile, and she gave me a sad one.
I didn’t tell her that it was I either lived with Nick or bunked with her. I wasn’t that much of a jerk.