“Now, today, I want to talk about Gavin. You said you didn’t blame him, but you don’t trust him.”
My therapist caught me off guard with that question.
“I never said I didn’t trust him,” I replied.
“Every time you talk about him, you sit straighter, your eyes get more alert. Does he make you uncomfortable?”
“No, he would never hurt me physically,” I said defensively.
Something seemed to cross over my shrink’s features. “You said physically. Has he hurt you in another way?”
The room was silent for a while because I didn’t know how to answer her question—hell, I didn’t want to answer it.
“Gavin used to be my best friend’s boyfriend,” I answered after a while.
Maybe she could help me make sense of what was going on.
“Was he mean to you while he went out with your best friend? Make you feel unwanted in the relationship? Was this after or before the deaths of your parents?”
I laughed without humor. “I don’t think this is important.”
“On the contrary, I think this is vital information.” She gave me a reassuring smile.
So I spent a half hour telling her about Gigi, Gavin, and me. About how he looked out for me, went out of his way to make me feel comfortable in his and Gigi’s relationship.
“If you liked Gavin, why did you tell him you didn’t?”
“Because my best friend liked him,” I replied in a condescending tone.
“But since she was your best friend, shouldn’t she have understood you two liked each other?”
“He moved, so that was a moot point.” I looked around the room to avoid looking at her.
“But he came back,” she said softly. “Why didn’t you tell Gigi then you liked him?”
“I didn’t think she liked him,” I replied honestly.
“Why didn’t you tell her about him once he confessed his feelings for you yet again?” My therapist’s tone got firmer.
I still couldn’t look at her. Why was she asking me this? The past was better left in the past, right?
“Did you have other friends?” she asked after I stayed quiet for a while.
“Not really. Gigi was the one everyone liked. She was the fun one; she always dragged me along to parties, and bonfires, birthdays. People gravitated toward her and stayed with me because I was just there. I’ve never been one to have many friends. I’m okay with it. I learned to be alone because even though Gigi and I were best friends, she was not like me; she loved talking to people, always friending everyone.”
Gigi was my best friend, but now that I thought back on it, I wasn’t hers.
“Would you say Gigi was selfish?”
I turned my head so I could look at my shrink, our gazes colliding.
When I didn’t answer, she kept going. “Do you think if Gigi knew that you liked the same boy as she did and he liked you, she would have turned everyone against you?”
“She was my best friend,” I said, not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.
“If she was your best friend, wouldn’t she want the best for you?”
“She cared for me in her way. She…” I stopped talking because I was trying to find a point in time where Gigi put me first. Hell, even at my parents’ funeral she seemed to use me for support.
“How did it make you feel when Gavin started to date your best friend?”
“I was happy for her; he was the guy she always wanted,” I whispered.
“What about you? What about your happiness?”
My body felt hot, and this talk was getting intense. “It doesn’t matter. That’s in the past now.”
“Do you still have contact with either of them?”
“Gavin and Gigi are no longer together. Gigi isn’t even my friend anymore.” I added the last part like an afterthought.
“And Gavin?” she asked, sitting up straighter. “Is he still around?”
I bit my lip.
“If you don’t talk to me, you are coming in here in vain.”
“He’s around,” I whispered.
“Do you still care about him? Now that Gigi is not in the picture, there’s no reason to explore unresolved feelings.”
I stayed quiet.
“Do you resent him for dating your friend after he confessed his feelings for you? Out of all the girls, he picked Gigi. Did that bother you?”
“No. I knew that if I backed away, they would end up together.”
“Then why are you still scared? Why do keep clinging to the past instead of going forward? Gigi is not your friend, and Gavin is back. What are you so afraid of?” Her tone got firmer and louder, and my brain started to thump.
You want me, Scar, and that scares you.
“Because I killed my parents over it!” I shouted, out of breath. To my therapist’s credit, she wasn’t repulsed by me.
“How?” Her tone was soft, almost like a lullaby now.
“The night of the accident, I didn’t want to go out. It was getting harder and harder to be around Gavin and Gigi. I think if they’d dated, and he’d ignored me, I would have been fine, but he was always there: taking us to the movies, at her house, at my house with my brother. He was everywhere, and he was nice. I didn’t want to go to the party, but Gigi said he wasn’t going to be there. She p-p-promised it was just us.” I wiped the tears from my face.
The guilt of lying to my parents was getting to me. If they knew I was at a party with college boys, they would lose their shit. There were a lot of seniors and some juniors like me too because some of them used to be on the football team last year.
Gigi’s mom dropped us off, since Gavin couldn’t come. That was the main reason I agreed because it was rare when Gigi and I spent time together without Gavin around us. I knew my parents would never let me go, so I slept over at Gigi’s. Ever since her parents’ divorce, Gigi’s mom compensated her by letting her do whatever she wanted.
I finished the beer I had in my hand and went in search of Gigi because I wanted to go home already. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I searched in the backyard, and she wasn’t there. God, did she leave me? I made my way to the front of the house through the side door where there were not a lot of people.
That was where I saw them.
There was a small bench, and I quickly recognized the white top and jean skirt Gigi wore. She was humping him through his jeans; his hands were under her skirt while he kissed her.
That was when it hit me that I couldn’t be friends with my best friend anymore because I was in love with her boyfriend. I watched them kiss with a feverish passion that I had not seen from them before. For the first time in a while, I allowed myself to look at them since they couldn’t see me. Gavin’s hair was a mess, and his mouth still had not come up for air. His legs seemed longer, and his arms a little more muscular. I loved Gavin, but I could never have him.
When Gigi moaned, I turned around and went for another drink. I sat alone drinking, waiting until I saw Gigi walk back for her purse. She didn’t even look at me, and then she left.
What the hell? It was like they forgot I was even here.
I didn’t think, and I called my mother. I needed to leave, and right now, anything was better than facing Gavin and Gigi after witnessing such an intimate moment where my heart finally understood Gavin was Gigi’s, and he would never be mine.