That’s because you don’t know the whole story. Kirby does, and even he doesn’t get it. Fucking hell, what am I doing? “He says he doesn’t think I want this, him and everything. But I do. Veev, I do. I want it so bad.”
She nods. “I know. I can tell. I’ve never seen you like this. But Jay, can you blame him? He wants to move forward, and you’ve dug your heels in the sand, not budging.”
“I don’t, though. I am moving forward with him, except on this.”
“What did you think was going to happen?” she asks as she grabs the first rail from me. “He got a hotel room, and it went great. He has every reason to expect more.”
I gawk at her. “I know. He said he wanted to live together!”
She laughs, grinning from ear to ear.
“That not’s funny.”
“Oh, it is. He is all in, Jay. He loves you.”
I hate that tears are burning my eyes. “I am well aware of that. And why couldn’t he just say that? I was down for that.”
She cocks her head. “Is that right? You love him?”
I take a deep breath, and then I nod definitively. “I do. A lot.”
A wide grin moves over her lips. “That’s wonderful, Jay. But like he said, are you guys going to get married and live in two houses? The whole point of finding someone to spend your life with is to do just that, spend that life with them. Together. In the same place. What do you want here?”
“I want him!”
“Okay. Then prove it to not only him, but yourself.”
My shoulders droop, and I know she’s right. I know what I’m saying is true; I feel it deep inside me. I want to move forward, and I want to be with him and Celeste all the time, but the very idea of it scares me. But how can it when it’s what I want? Why is this so hard for me? Why am I allowing this fear to defeat me?
Damn it.
When my phone sounds with Kirby’s tone, I reach for it on the floor and hit speaker. “Hey, babe. You done with practice?”
“Yeah. I got a shower and met Jean at the house to grab Celeste. Want me to head to you to pick you up?”
“I’m actually at Aviva’s.”
“Oh. I thought you had work?”
“I got done early,” I say, feeling guilty. “I should have called. I could have grabbed Celeste for you, but Aviva wanted help with the crib.”
“No worries. I was being nosy.”
“It’s not nosy at all. You have every right to know what I’m doing.”
“Jaylin,” he says sternly.
“Yeah?”
“Cut it out. It’s okay, what happened this morning. I’m not upset. You don’t have to kiss my ass.”
I press my lips together, and Aviva grins at me. “I know.”
“Okay. I’ll pick you up in ten.”
“See you then.”
I hang up, and when I glance at her, Aviva is still grinning at me like she just ate the best piece of cake the world could provide. “Man, he’s got you all figured out.”
I exhale hard. “Given that I provided him everything he needs to have me figured out, he should. I just didn’t think it would happen this fast.”
Her face is blissful. “When it’s right, it’s right. Might need to make that appointment to get that IUD out.”
When she winks at me, I glare. “Shut your face.”
She laughs, enjoying this entirely too much. “You watch. As soon as you sleep over, he’ll have a ring on your finger and a baby in your belly.”
The fear of that starts to suffocate me, but then I find happiness easing it instead.
Leaving me completely and utterly confused.
If I wasn’t worried about the status of my relationship before arriving at my parents’, I am terrified at this point. Beneath the table, my knee bounces like it’s the tempo for some crazy electronic dance song. My heart matches its cadence, and I’m waiting for something to go wrong here. Across the table from Kirby and me, my parents sit with their shoulders back, very intimidating, as we eat the fantastic dinner my dad put together for us. My favorite—potato salad with smoked ribs and corn. When he would go on long work trips, he’d always make this for me after he came home. Every big event in my life, this was my celebratory meal. When I beat cancer, we ate it for a week straight. No one ever got sick of it; we were just happy I was cancer-free.
The joy was in abundance, but now, I don’t know if there is any joy to be found.
I’m too nervous.
My dad hasn’t really spoken to Kirby, and my mom is grilling him. Meanwhile, Celeste sits between us in her little portable high chair, happy as a clam as she sucks on a rib bone. I have one eye on her since I don’t want her choking, and so do Kirby and my mom. We’re all helicopter parents in here.
Shit…did I just call myself a parent?
What am I doing?
Before my leg can bounce a hole in the floor, Kirby’s hand comes to still it, and our eyes meet. His eyes are so kind, so sweet, and I know he’s telling me to calm down. That everything is fine. But I know my parents. I know how they are, and this can’t be anything like fine. Someone is going to piss someone off.
More than likely, it’ll be me pissing off my mom.
“Did you finish college, Kirby?”
“I did,” he says, spooning some smashed-up potato salad in Celeste’s mouth. “University of Michigan with a three point four.”
“Impressive,” she says, and I nod.
“Especially when he was working full time at the rink and playing full-time hockey,” I add, and I feel Kirby grinning at me. I may be laying it on thick, but he is pretty remarkable.
“Working full time? Didn’t you have an athletic scholarship?” my dad asks, and I shouldn’t have said anything.
“I did, and I don’t know if Jaylin told you, but I never really knew my dad. He was a drunk, and that killed him. And then my mom got a new family and dropped me. I haven’t spoken to her in years. I don’t even know if she knows about Celeste. Because of that, I had to support myself, and when the dorms closed for holidays or the summer, if I couldn’t go home with friends or teammates, I had to stay in a hotel. So, I was always saving money.”
Fucking hell, I didn’t know that.
My dad seems impressed as Kirby holds his attention. “That’s very inspiring.”
Kirby shrugs, modest. “I had no choice. I had to survive. I had to reach my goals.”
“Still, that’s amazing. Unfortunate you had to do it alone,” my mom adds. “But I believe it has only made you stronger. Even though I only found out about you because your gorgeous daughter was in the back seat when Jaylin picked me up. She doesn’t tell me much. Though, she did tell me how you are raising Celeste all by yourself.”
Kirby flashes her a showstopping grin. Unlike me, my mom doesn’t swoon much. “Yeah. That was a kick in the gut for sure, but there was no real option other than to give her all the love of a dad and a mom. There is absolutely no way I would abandon her like I was abandoned. That pain takes years of therapy to ease.”
I reach out, squeezing his hand, and he sends me a wink. He’s so confident, so gorgeous, and good lord, I love him. “I, for one, am completely impressed by and proud of you.”