“What, now you wanna have her? Let me save you the trouble and tell you that what is beneath that shirt is repulsive. Not worth anyone’s time, if you ask me. She’s just useful in the dark.”
I gathered that the emerging sound was from her marching down the steps. Without saying a word, she pushed past the both of us. I saw the tears reflecting in her eyes. Christina left with only my shirt on. I fought to keep my eyes from following her as her bare feet ran down the street.
Rowan furrowed his brows watching me closely. “What was that all about?”
“I don’t know,” I snapped on purpose. “I’m going crazy. There is too much going on and now I took it out on the poor girl.”
“C’mon let’s go, I’m sure Mommy can afford a therapist to figure your shit out. Move.”
Rowan wasn’t stupid. I only hoped my acting skills were believable enough.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Christina
Practically naked, I found my way back home. I’d cried for so long that the muscles in my stomach ached and my jaw hurt from the tension. And to make matters worse, my stomach growled with a sinking emptiness. I wasn’t exactly hungry. I was like a part of me was absent and I needed to claim it back by filling the void with food.
Every insult that left Ezra’s mouth slashed me open. At first, I wanted to fire an equally painful retort. But I couldn’t. I had nothing bad to say about him. My senses clogged and all I wanted to do was get away from him. In a few seconds and with a few words, all that we were collapsed like a house of cards.
Deep within, in a tiny part of my soul, I held on to the hope that there would be an explanation for it all. Perhaps it was because I found the money, or possibly because of the man he was talking to. I’d seen him before at the office, but it felt right at the time to deny we’d met before.
My knee bounced nervously as I stared at the door. I wanted to run out to the closest Pizza Hut. The image of the greasiest slice of pizza forced itself into my brain—my mouth salivated.
I remembered the word repulsive dropping out of his mouth and the craving grew exponentially. He called me worthless. I was teetering on the edge, about to tip over and give in to my weakness.
Hours later the doorman told me Ezra was in the lobby requesting to come up. The moment I swung the door open my heart raced a little.
Ezra swallowed and said, “Thank you for letting me come up. I wasn’t sure you would.”
He should have thanked Dr. Burk. I managed not to give in to the impulse, instead, I picked up my computer and Skyped my therapist. She’d advised me to identify the cause of my anxiety—Ezra. And to fact-check my thoughts, making sure it wasn’t all in my head. It wasn’t. This time things were real. Mostly I opened because only Ezra held answers to questions I had.
I shrugged. “Well …”
He crept in with caution as if walking into a minefield. “Christina, I’m sorry about this morning.”
“Which part?” I was all sharp edges, shoulders taut and straight. Even my voice was sharp and tight. “The one you called me ugly or repul—”
“You know I never meant any of that,” he interrupted with a dismissive wave, “if you truly believed that I was trying to hurt you then I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”
“Then why did you say it?”
“I needed you to leave. I couldn’t have Rowan knowing what was going on between us.”
I stopped and flung a hand over my chest realizing what he was saying. “Oh my God, are you involved with Rowan? Is he your secret?”
It all made perfect sense. The sneaking around. The hushed phone calls. His disappearances. The way he’d reacted when Rowan stopped by the office. The only thing it didn’t explain was the money or the passports.
His entire posture shifted to one of outrage and a growl like a chained Rottweiler came from the back of his throat. “What the … There is nobody else, man or woman, Christina. And I’m offended that you even entertained the thought. I could never be unfaithful to you.”
“Offended?” I scoffed. “I’m the one who’s been putting up with your bullshit and never getting any answers. I’m the one who is always left in the dark. Here is your last chance. You better spill every dark and dirty secret or leave me the fuck alone.”
Slowly he drew in a breath and then expelled it with a whoosh. “I work for Rowan.” He paused.
“For fuck’s sake Ezra—”
“I help him launder drug money.”
I stumbled a bit on my feet, to prevent a fall, I grabbed the counter. Had I heard right? Drug money!
“It all started about nine months ago, I got mixed up with a guy, Neo. He promised me quick cash and in exchange I had to run a few errands for Rowan. The errands were distributing drugs around town. We made the deliveries and got paid quick and upfront.” He looked ashamed.
“I’m not going to lie, it was fun and exhilarating at first, but then it wasn’t. I felt guilty and tried to get out but it was too late. Rowan found out that I was an accountant, and that my uncle owned an accounting firm. Since then, I’ve helped him keep track and launder money.”
Ezra scanned my face for a reaction as silence hung in the air suspending the moment. I stared into those bright eyes burning with the need of acceptance but my heart fell quiet.
“Christina, please say something.”
My mind was blank as I gazed at him with horror. His eyes desperately continued to search mine … waiting. I had nothing.
“I know it’s a fucked-up situation and one I regret every single day. The choices I’ve made haven’t been the wisest—”
“Leave.”
“Christina, please don’t …”
He came at me and I backed away. “Hear me out, I’m going to fix this.’
“I said, leave,” I yelled and he stopped dead in his tracks. “Drugs, Ezra! Fucking drugs? Do you know what that is? Those people are dangerous.” Nervously, I ran my hand through my hair. “I can’t do this. I have a family and being with you puts everyone I care about in danger. No matter what I feel for you I can’t hurt them.”
“They don’t know about you.”
“That man, Rowan, he saw me in the office. What if he figures it all out?”
“I’ll take care of it, I promise. This is temporary—”
A wry laugh bolted out of me. “I never thought that you, of all people, would be involved in something like this. I—I don’t know.”
“Christina, baby.”
I observed him with the gaze of a stranger. “Get out, please, I need you gone. Now.”
He tried to insist but I wasn’t having it. I wished he told me he was sleeping with Rowan. At least that problem had a simpler solution.
Eventually Ezra left. The atmosphere calmed while a tempest was roaring inside my head. Fragments of the time we spent together played through my brain. Droplets of disappointment mixed into the bubble that was stretching thin and about to burst.
My head raced for hours. I lay on my bed long enough to evaluate the situation. I hadn’t moved the entire time and my muscles were cramping.