“She went as far as offering to help pay,” Melissa added.
My mother probably felt bad that my friends gave me something she couldn’t. She was hardworking and always made sure I had everything I needed and I would forever be thankful for that. But the thought did bother me a bit. An apartment was a huge gift and I felt as though I should offer to give them something in return.
“I think she’s right,” I said, “I could work and pay you guys off.”
Melissa placed her hands on my shoulders and gave me a firm look. “Listen, I’m not bragging or anything; you know I can afford this, Tina. And it’s not charity or whatever nonsense just crawled into your brain and took root. This is a present because we love you and you deserve it. Accept it.”
“I didn’t get you anything, Mel,” I whispered, embarrassed. “It’s your birthday too.”
“Don’t worry I get it.” She pulled me into a tight hug. “You were too busy getting drunk,” she teased, getting a chuckle out of the three of us.
We broke the embrace and they showed me the rest of the house. Everything was perfect and each room had its own spectacular view. My favorite was the master bedroom. Like the rest of the house, it was outfitted in white with variations of lilac shades. The bed was the most comfortable I’d ever laid on. It easily fit all three of us with enough space for another three. Across the hallway ran a dark wood bookshelf that I couldn’t wait to fill with books.
Talk about a present. I was left speechless. I thanked them a couple hundred more times until Melissa threatened to kick me out if I didn’t stop.
In the kitchen, we opened a glass of bubbly and toasted.
“This is the first house on my portfolio,” Erica said, proud of her accomplishment as she should. “You’ll be my first reference.”
Erica did a fantastic job. The house had everything I’d ever hoped for in a dream apartment and so much more. “You’ll have to sign the contract tomorrow. The real-estate agent will contact you in the morning.”
I turned to Melissa. “Which reminds me that I need my purse.”
“What?” Melissa shrugged. “I called. He didn’t answer.”
“Call him again and tell him to meet me tomorrow during lunch at that bookstore on Fifth, opposite Mollie’s.”
“Will do.” Melissa pouted. “But seriously, I could give you his number and you could call him yourself.”
Grimacing, I spoke with irony. “And how exactly will that work out? Do you not understand that he has my phone?”
“Sorry,” Melissa said, apologetically. “I forwarded you his contact.”
I rolled my eyes making a note to delete the number once I got my phone back.
I opened the fridge and it was stocked with gluten-free, fat-free and fun-free food. Shutting the door, I heard Erica say, “Mel, are you going to that Diamond fundraiser thing?”
“I don’t know,” Melissa said. I spun on my heels to face them, resting my back flat on the chilly refrigerator door. “We got an invitation but haven’t decided yet. Andrew isn’t keen on going.”
“I was hoping for some company. Those events are great but they can be, like, so boring.”
“Tell me about it.” Melissa rolled her eyes. “Hey, I need you to do some upgrades at my house. My kitchen needs a change. I love these backsplashes I saw online.” She held out her phone. “I was thinking of something like this.” They moved to my couch, staring down at Melissa’s phone and snuggled close to each other.
Seconds ago, we were a unit and now they were lost in their matrimonial bliss and had forgotten me. The dynamic of our friendship had changed tremendously in the past months. Erica was married and Melissa was about to be married. They moved in the same social circles which I wasn’t part of.
Even though I understood that they had more in common now, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy every time I couldn’t participate in a conversation. Every time I couldn’t go to an event with them. Seeing them giggling and talking about their day to day life that didn’t involve me made my joy crawl away, replaced by a sense of uselessness in our trio. Like I wasn’t needed anymore. I’d tried to suppress the thoughts but all on their own they consumed my mind.
Their lives were great and I, on the other hand, was unemployed and heartbroken—my life was a mess. I’d applied to dozens of jobs over the past six months. Most of them required experience, which I didn’t have, and the few interviews I went to, ended in a rejection.
I was tired of hearing, “Sorry, but you’re not exactly what we’re looking for at the moment.”
How on earth was I supposed to obtain experience when no one would give me a job?
“This china is adorable,” Erica said, reclining her head on Melissa’s shoulder. “We should buy matching sets.”
The rest of the day went on like that, them talking about their respective households, and I felt more and more left out.
As soon as they left, I ordered a large double pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and a two-liter of regular Coke with the money I borrowed from Erica with the excuse that I needed it for a cab tomorrow.
The delivery man handed me the box. The smell wafted up to my nose causing my mouth to water. With my legs crossed, I sat on the rug and devoured the pizza.
Slice after slice, I stuffed my face. Eating soothed me. I craved comfort that came from food and only food. Even when I wasn’t hungry anymore, I shoved it all down until the box was empty and I drank two-thirds of the soda.
I snickered remembering what my mother always said when I was younger, “Happiness is like a soda. It’s sweet, fizzy and doesn’t last very long. You have to enjoy happiness before it goes flat.” So, I drank soda every day to be happy. Needless to say, it didn’t turn out very well.
I rested my head on the seat of the couch and my tension dissolve. I was sated and for those short seconds, I was whole. All of my problems faded into the background.
However, the feeling didn’t last long. The euphoria diminished and I went from sky-high to rock bottom. I hated myself. I’d fought hard to lose weight and to stay healthy all these years. Clenching my eyes shut, I pictured the obese girl I used to be and eating the way I had, was one step closer to returning there.
The chubby cheeks.
The flabby arms.
The enormous belly.
I punched the empty box off my lap and sprinted to the bathroom. Kneeling before the toilet, I battled with myself. I promised my family, my therapist and Erica that I’d never do this again. I was better than this. I had moved past this.
But the urge to punish myself was all-consuming. I was never good enough. No wonder people eventually pushed me away. The past months were arduous. Getting through the day without stuffing my face was almost unbearable. And now that I had caved, giving in to my demons, there was no way I could allow all those calories to reside inside me. I had to get rid of them.
Sticking my index finger down my throat, I gagged. I pushed further until the contents of my stomach erupted through my mouth. I threw up until there was nothing more to expel.
Tears formed in my eyes and with a quiet sniffle, I broke. I moved away from the bowl and rested against the wall. My sobs became louder and I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging my body while my shoulders shook with every cry.