“Actually I don’t know,” she replied, looking out the window. “Don’t look for sympathy from me. I’ve been with Alexander double the time you’ve been with Lolly.”
“Exactly my point! You two must know what I mean, or at least he must.”
There were so many things that annoyed her about her brother’s statement, she barely knew where to begin. “Are you implying Alexander cheats on me?” Anna asked, going straight for it.
“No, in fact, I’m sure he doesn’t. Your bf is much too good of a person, whereas I’m a tremendous shitbag.”
Anna was aware their mother often tortured her brother with comparisons to her seemingly perfect boyfriend. “I know this sucks. But stop deflecting. If you say you love Lolly, then why cheat?” she asked, knowing her brother didn’t have an answer. She was willing to wager her brother rarely knew why it was he did most of the things he did.
“I don’t know,” he replied as if on cue.
Anna knew this was the best she was going to get from him now and moved on. She asked Steven whether this was the first time he had cheated on Lolly, and after a long silence he said it wasn’t. She fired him a look of sisterly disapproval. “Are you sure you want to stay with Lolly? Because plenty of guys in this town stay single and hook up with a new girl every weekend. Maybe that would suit you more. Honestly, you don’t seem ready to be a boyfriend. Like, at all.”
“I know that’s what it seems like. But that’s how I know I love Lolly, because I want to be her boyfriend. She’s good like you. And no one’s sweeter. She also keeps me reined in, which you know I need. She makes me want to try harder to be better myself. Marcella means nothing to me. Though she had this dope tongue ring…”
“Ew. Enough about her. Steven, you’ve got to end it.” Anna loved her brother, but she didn’t like him as a person in this moment. She knew that boys were very different from girls, but hearing her brother talk made her feel the gap between the sexes was much wider than she’d ever imagined.
“I know. I will. And the tongue ring wasn’t a reference to anything lewd, it was something I saw because she laughed a lot. You know, because she thought—”
“Steven, you’re funny! Everyone thinks so; why do you always hyper-focus on this fact?” Anna said in an exasperated tone.
“Because it’s my thing, Anna! I’m not perfect like you, and I’m certainly not better than perfect like your fucking boyfriend, okay?” Steven rarely raised his voice to his sister and he felt immediately ashamed at doing so. But Anna just didn’t get it. Steven’s dad had impossibly high standards when it came to him, and it wasn’t fair. He’d never told Anna, but on more than one occasion their father had commanded he come to his study, where he lectured him about how hard he had worked to get their family where they were. As an immigrant, Edward said he worked four times as hard to be seen as equal to a Caucasian. It was true that he had been born into wealth the same way Steven had, but Edward’s Korean father sent him to America to be educated. He was shipped off to an East Coast boarding school when he was only ten years old. Children of any race and upbringing can be cruel, but entitled white children were often especially cruel. His classmates were not welcoming in the slightest. So he had to fight hard to earn their respect, working with a speech tutor to lose his accent until he spoke perfect English, exceling at sports, and making sure he ranked at the top of his class when it came to academics. The only way he was able to garner the attention of girls in his school was by careful calculations on his part.
Marrying Steven’s mother, Greer, was not only about love, but also about Edward’s desire that his future children would travel an easier road than he did. Edward had the money and the intelligence, but it was Greer’s old-family name that opened the right doors in society. Edward warned his son that as a half-Korean, half-white man, Steven would face racism, not as overtly as he had, but in subtler ways. Steven needed to understand it would always be present. Steven’s father told him how he would never truly fit in with Koreans or with Caucasians; however, if Steven played his cards right, his own future children would have it easier. He could not afford to fuck up, and as far as Edward was concerned, Steven was a disappointment from the moment he got kicked out of Collegiate in the fifth grade.
Steven hated the pressure, always feeling torn between being the person his father expected him to be and figuring out who he wanted to be for himself. Steven wished he could tell Anna the truth, but he could never bring himself to do it. “God, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to yell. I’m just … I know you’re trying to help. I’m just an insecure asshole.”
Anna ignored her brother’s outburst. “I’m happy to help, Steven, but you can’t see this Marcella ever again. And you must break it off over the phone or text. You’re too weak to do it in person.” Anna knew she was being harsh, but it was time for a little tough love.
“Do you think Lolly will take me back?” he asked.
“Are you one hundred percent sure you want to stay together?” Anna asked. “I mean, really think about it, Steven, you can’t do this to her again. Seriously. And if there’s a next time, don’t even think about calling me—”
“I do want her back! And I won’t cheat.” Steven sighed. “But do you think she’ll take me back?”
Anna looked out the window into the snowy night. “I don’t know. She probably will … but you do know she’s much too good for you, right?”
“I know,” Steven said, feeling his sister’s disappointment, wanting to be a better person not only for Lolly and Anna, but for his father as well. It just didn’t seem right that it was so fucking hard to be good.
IX
The car pulled up to their building and the doorman rushed over to open Anna’s door. She turned to her brother. “Give me an hour alone with her. Go and get Lolly’s favorite dessert.” She stared him down. “You do know what your girlfriend’s favorite dessert is, don’t you?”
“Joe Allen’s banana cream pie. But Anna, c’mon, the shows are getting out now. Times Square will be insane…” He stopped talking immediately, her gaze burning a hole in his forehead. “I’ll be back in an hour.”
Anna smiled at the doorman, who was holding an umbrella and waiting for her to exit the car. She took his hand and stepped to the curb with purpose.
Upstairs in the apartment she made two cups of Dulsão do Brasil and grabbed a couple of coconut waters before walking down the hallway toward her parents’ room. Anna had only lived full time in this apartment when she was in elementary school, even though she still had a bedroom here. She loved so much about the city, but lately she preferred it in smaller doses. She felt most like her true self when she was on one of her Dutch Warmbloods, Mark Antony (named for the cartoon bulldog and not the Roman politician) or Cleo (named for the tiny cat who liked to snuggle in Mark Antony’s fur), or when she was romping around in the backyard with her Newfoundlands, Gemma and Jon Snow.
She knocked and told Lolly she wanted to talk to her alone, adding that she thought they should do so while trying on her mom’s clothes. She never doubted Lolly would refuse her, and she was right, Lolly opened the door right away. Anna entered, offering Lolly her choice of Nespresso or a coconut water. Lolly reached out for the coconut water, twisted off the top, and chugged it down. Crying for hours over an undeserving boyfriend certainly made a girl thirsty. After Lolly calmed down, the girls dressed in never-before-worn Japanese silk robes they had excavated from deep within Anna’s mom’s closet. Anna told Lolly she could keep the kimono she was wearing (pale pink with cherry blossom trees in a repeating pattern) because she was positive her mom didn’t even remember she had it. Anna explained that her mother once told her that although her parents were fine with her dating Anna’s father during Yale Law, they were shocked when she announced that they were engaged. Though her parents were much too WASPy and polite to say so, she knew they weren’t thrilled she was marrying a Korean man. To make matters worse, her parents threw her an over-the-top lavish engagement party with an Asian theme to it. As if they were announcing to the world: “See, everyone! Our daughter Greer loves all things Asian. Even the men! Not our fault.”