Before I could second-guess myself, I had my car keys in hand and let myself out of the house. For the first time in a week, I got behind the wheel of my car. Remy or one of the guys had brought it over, and I had to readjust the seat before I could pull out of the driveway. Once everything was perfect and I had the seat belt latched, I went home.
Technically I could have walked, we lived that close to each other, but I didn’t want to. The drive only took a few minutes, and the faster I got those dog tags, the better. Nox would need them, sooner rather than later.
The front of my house looked almost perfect. Besides a few spots where the siding had yet to be replaced, I couldn’t even tell that someone had smashed my front window. I guess that’s what having family in law enforcement and amazing homeowner’s insurance could do, though.
The front door was unlocked, and I let myself in, feeling every bit of the drama from that night hit me square in the chest.
From the argument with Remy about our history, the fireball smashing into the house, and then not knowing what had happened, somehow I’d managed to shove it out of my mind for the most part.
“There you are,” I murmured.
The dog tags were hanging from the wall, with Boo’s collar right next to them, as if they’d been waiting for me.
“I slept with Remy,” I told Danny’s ghost. “I slept with him, and I don’t know how I should feel about it.” The admission came from somewhere I hadn’t even known existed until I stared at the blackened pieces of metal.
Normally, when I talked to Danny, I would sit on the couch and look at them from across the room. But not this time. This time, I pulled them from the wall and held them in my hand while I sat under the flag still held in a triangular box, safe from harm.
“It’s all a mess, just like you told me it would be.” My eyes were wet, and I swiped the tears before they could fall. “Why can’t you be here to tell me how to get through this? You said you’d come home, Danny. How am I supposed to move on with my life if you’re not here? How the hell am I supposed to make sure that Nox remembers you when he never met you?”
Emotion clogged my throat.
“Remy’s good with him, Danny. I don’t know how, or why, but he is.”
I closed a fist around the dog tags, needing the pain that they brought. The searing sensation of the metal cutting into my palm.
“How am I supposed to walk away from him and Birch? How am I supposed to leave when I’m starting to see the man he’s become? When he wants all of me?”
These questions, just like the rest of the ones I’d asked Danny through the years, were met with nothing but silence. Silence and the doubt that I’d created for myself through the years since Danny died. Leaning back against the wall, I forced myself to remember our last conversation.
“Hey, Parker.” The line cut in and out, static making it hard to hear who’d called at first. “I don’t have much time, but I wanted to see how your appointment went.”
“Danny.” I smiled as I stepped out of the doctor’s office, despite the bittersweet feeling of talking to him. “I literally just left the appointment. How’d you know?”
An awkward laugh filtered through the other end. “Well, it may or may not be just past midnight here. I had to bribe an officer to get a satellite phone so I could call. Do you know what we’re having yet?”
“Yep.” I popped my lips together loudly in his ear. “I’m happy to say that you’re bringing the next generation of the Hayes boys to life.”
“Holy shit.” Awestruck and amazed, I could even picture him punching his fist into the air. “I can’t believe it.”
“Congratulations, Danny.” I ran a hand across my stomach.
He coughed again, and then silence filled the air between us.
“What’s wrong, Danny?”
More silence and then another cough.
“I met someone, Parker. Another soldier, over here. She’s heading home soon, and nothing’s happened between us, I swear. But—”
“You should tell her how you feel, Danny.” I have no idea where the words came from, but they poured out. “You were there for me when I needed you the most. And when shit went sideways, you married me and wanted more. We can always get a divorce. I just want you to be happy.”
As I waited for his answer, images of Remy flashed in my mind. Over and over again, from that night. All the words he used to make sure I wouldn’t ever give him another chance.
“Parker?” Danny said my name. “Did you hear me?”
“No,” I apologized with a laugh. “The baby’s making me a space cadet lately.”
“Thank you, Parker.” He coughed again. “We can do the divorce stuff when I get home. It’ll be easier. I think you’ll like her, too. She’s from away, though.” He referenced the fact that anyone not from Maine was technically from away, and essentially started off at a deficit when it came to the locals accepting them.
I snorted. “You’ll have to convince your parents to give a Southerner a chance, you know. I’m happy for you, Danny. Really, really happy.”
Shuffling filled the air, and then Danny’s voice came back on, sounding farther away than before, like he was covering the mouthpiece. “I have to be quiet. The guys are sleeping. But you should know, Parker. Every single time I bring you up, Remy’s there, on the edge of his seat, wanting the information. I know he feels something. He’s just not ready to admit it yet.”
“Stop,” I cut him off. “There’s no chance of that.” Danny, even after he asked me to give us a chance, kept giving me updates on Remy.
“I’m sorry that I put you in a situation where none of the pieces fit the way they’re supposed to, Parker. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to take you away from Remy.”
“Danny.” I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about that night and what had happened. I didn’t want to remember the way he smelled as he forced his way inside me.
“I wasn’t thinking clearly that night, and I’m sorry I took advantage of you. I think it’s going to get a lot messier before we can get it fixed. I know Remy loves you, Parker. I can see it every single day we’re here. Maybe he always has. I’m going to figure out how to fix this.”
A mirthless laugh bubbled out, and I bit the inside of my lip to keep from devolving into tears as I remembered the night that Remy destroyed everything I had ever felt for him with one swift blow, and then Danny stole … everything else.
“You can’t fix it, Danny,” I managed quietly into the static. “I don’t think it’ll ever get better.”
“I promise I’ll help fix it. Just—”
The line cut out, and Danny was gone after that.
I opened my palm to see the last pieces I had left of Danny and the promise he’d made that day. I swallowed back every bit of the emotion, fighting for control of my heart.
“You broke your promise, Danny. You were supposed to come fix what you did to me.”
Now, I was left all alone and didn’t have a single clue what I was going to do.
You know what to do. Danny’s voice filled my head, almost like he was standing right next to me. It’s time to let me go, Parker. You can’t ever put yourself first if you’re holding on to me.