“Okay cool. It’s been a long night, and I really need caffeine. I’m going to go grab some coffee. Can I get you anything?”
“No babe. Thanks, but I’m fine. I’m so grateful for this. We’d be lost without you.”
“Don’t be silly. We’ve been through this before. This is what friends and informal godmothers do, and you know how much I love the two of you. You know I’d do anything for either of you, right?”
I nodded. I did know. She was the best friend and godmother that either of us could ever have hoped for. That didn’t’ stop me feeling guilty every day about how much she did for us. Accepting help from other people had never been easy for me even from my best friend. I guess that’s one of the reasons I was in this situation—my stupid pride.
“I know, and I love you for it every day.” We hugged briefly again, before Kate peeled herself away.
As she slipped out of the swinging doors, I turned to Beck. I nodded, a tight smile slightly curving the corners of my mouth, beckoning him to me. He crossed the room hesitantly, then joined me at Sam’s bedside, and threaded his fingers through mine. He squeezed gently, and I squeezed back turning to him.
“Beck this is your son, Sam.” My voice cracked as I said the words and more tears leaked from my eyes. I wiped them away furiously, but more fell before I could stem the tide.
I turned back to look at Beck. He was wiping swiftly at his own eyes. He returned my gaze, cheeks slightly damp, but clearly not embarrassed to be so moved by the situation. He took a few tentative steps closer to the bed looking at me for confirmation and reassurance. Unable to speak, I nodded mutely, giving him the permission he sought.
He stepped closer still to the bed and reached out the hand that wasn’t holding mine. He stroked his son’s hair for the first time. I read the emotions on his face as clearly as though reading a book: pride, pain, love, loss, hurt. Jesus, I hadn’t thought my heart could break any more than it had already over the years, but witnessing Beck so choked up with emotion at seeing his son for the first time tore a fissure in it I wasn’t sure could ever be mended.
Beck looked back to me. “God Mel, he’s so fucking beautiful. And he’s mine.”
The resemblance was startling. There was no denying the connection, even if I had wanted to.
“He is, and I’m sorry it’s taken this long, and these circumstances, for you to find out. I really thought I was doing the right thing, but now I can’t believe I’ve been so fucking stupid. I hope you can forgive me. I really am so terribly sorry.”
An eternity seemed to go by while Beck said nothing. Myriad thoughts swirled through my mind. What was he thinking? I immediately imagined the worst. Maybe he was already planning how he could sue me for damages, or worse still, for custody. I thought about it. Could failure to tell him he had a son work against me if it went to court? Probably.
By all accounts, Beck was richer than God—he could afford a team of the best lawyers. While I wasn’t exactly poor, or even struggling for money, there was no way as a single-parent I could afford to match his legal might. I’d probably lose, just because he had more money and power to throw at the situation. A golf-ball-sized lump formed in my throat at the thought.
“Listen, we have forever to rake over the shoulda coulda woulda of it, but right now my main concern is my son. I’m not interested in how I got here. What’s important is that I’m here now, and I’m here to stay. I can’t fucking believe I’m a parent, and standing here looking at this gorgeous kid knowing he’s mine.”
I’d had twelve years to get used to the idea, but I still couldn’t believe it, sometimes, so I kind understood the feeling.
He looked at me then again, his expression so serious and penetrating that it spread a ripple of goose bumps across my body.
“I know it’s been less than ideal getting here, but I couldn’t be happier to have you back in my life, and to have Sam. I want to be with you, both of you, and I’m going to make it happen.”
From the resolute look on his face, and the strength in his tone, I had no doubt in his intentions. I didn’t really know what to say, so again I just nodded. He seemed to accept that as a response, and we turned back to look at our son together. Just as we did, whether by coincidence or because he could feel the weight of our stares, Sam began to wake up.
His long silky eyelashes fluttered on his chiseled cheekbones, which were covered in a smattering of dark brown freckles. As his eyes opened they scanned the room. Clearly a little confused about where he was, Sam looked to me.
“Mom?”
“Yes baby, I’m here. Mom is here. Are you okay?” I moved closer, stroking his cheek gently. “How do you feel?”
“Okay I guess. It wasn’t as bad as some, and we caught it quickly. So, I guess you could say, I’ve been worse.” I heaved a huge sigh of relief, bending down to kiss Sam on the cheek again.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here with you baby, but I got here as soon as I could.” Tears pricked my eyes yet again.
“I know. It’s not your fault.” At almost twelve, Sam had such a mature outlook on life, but he had always been that way. Often times it made me so proud of the person he was and was becoming, but on the other hand I couldn’t help the gnawing feeling that he’d had to grow up too fast. The extraordinarily mature way he navigated the world was largely because he hadn’t had the luxury of a fully carefree childhood, and that, like everything else, was on me.
He looked quickly back and forth between Back and me, and perhaps, intuitively down to our clasped hands. He frowned, but said nothing. Thank God. He needed to know the truth, but this wasn’t the time to get into it.
“Oh, sweetheart, this is my friend Beck. He drove me down from the mountains so that I could be here with you.”
Sam nodded slowly. I didn’t think he bought my explanation, and no doubt he had questions he wanted to ask, but being the ever mature little man he was, he said nothing. Just nodded, smiled, and said “Hey Beck.”
“Hey,” Beck said in return. An awkward silence followed, where nobody knew what to say. I was about to break the silence with something, anything when we were saved by a nurse entering the room.
“Ah, you must be Mrs. Reid, Sam’s mother.” I nodded. “It’s Ms. Reid, but yes, I am Sam’s mother. How is he?” The nurse flushed, embarrassed by her faux pas.
“Well, he had a nasty attack, but judging by his history on our file, it’s not the worst he’s ever had. We were able to get it under control fairly quickly, and he’s been stable and resting well. We’ve been monitoring his vitals through the night, and everything looks good up to this point, so assuming my next check shows the same, he should be able to leave this morning. He’ll need to rest and have a few days off school to get back on his feet properly. But other than that, he should be okay, until the next time.”
I had known he was okay. I could see with my own eyes, but that hadn’t stopped the relief swirling through my body on hearing the news from the nurse. I couldn’t help the smile that took over my face.
“Okay. Thank you for looking after him so well. I really appreciate what everyone here does, truly. Thank you.” The nurse flushed again shuffling awkwardly from foot to foot, and shrugging mildly.