“I know, but you’ll be here as soon as you can, and in the meantime he’s got me.” Thank God. “How is he?”
“You know Sam. Taking the whole thing in his stride, like he didn’t almost just expire. I mean…sorry…you know what I mean.”
“It’s true though. He could have died, and I wasn’t fucking there.”
“Don’t beat yourself up. You’re working, and you don’t have a crystal ball. You weren’t to know he’d have an attack tonight.”
“I know, I know, but that doesn’t stop me feeling like utter shit. Are you with him? Can I speak to him?”
“He’s asleep. The attack wiped him out, and, it’s almost four a.m. He’s getting better with every passing minute, I promise.”
“He’s always such a soldier, but I still worry.”
“Of course you do. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But so far he’s as good as can be expected under the circumstances. If anything changes, I’ll let you know as soon as possible. You’ll be here before you know it, but in the meantime know that he’s in safe hands with the staff here, and with me.”
“I love you. You’re too good to me.” She really was, and I was eternally grateful to have her in my life.
“Don’t talk crazy. Of course I’m not. You deserve this, and more. I love you too. See you here soon.” By the time the call ended, I was pretty much dressed, and had started to head out of the door, forgetting that Beck was even there.
“Whoa.” He put both hands up as though in surrender. “It’s the middle of the night. Where’s the fire?”
“Oh shit!” He had really startled me.
“Um… I have to go! There’s an emergency at home.”
He blinked at me confused. “Babe it’s like four a.m. Where are you going?”
“I need to get back to Manhattan, like an hour ago. I need to be at the hospital.”
“Okay, no problem I’ll drive you.”
“No I can’t let you do that I’ll just get a cab, or Uber or something.”
“Uber? Sweetheart we’re three hours away from the city. There’s no Uber out here, and there’s no hailing a cab. The only way you’re going to get there now is if I drive you. Come on, let’s go. We’re wasting time.”
My breath came rapidly as I thought about his words. He was right. I was basically stranded in the mountains, and he was my only hope of getting to the hospital quickly. I had no choice but to accept his offer.
I sighed still reluctant, but knowing it was the best option.
“Um…okay, thanks… I guess.” Like me, he had jumped out of bed and quickly started dressing as we spoke, so he was already fully dressed.
“Okay, cool. Great. Let me just head back to my room and grab my keys. I’ll see you downstairs by the car.”
He didn’t tell me which car was his. Maybe he thought it was obvious, or maybe he just assumed I already knew.
I hurried downstairs to his car, leaning against the hood, and tapping my toe impatiently while I waited for him. He was there within a matter of a few minutes, but each second felt like a week, and my heart was in my throat the entire time. He jogged toward me, worry and consternation etched on his face. My heart lurched uncomfortably with the knowledge that I loved him more in that moment than I ever had, and I knew that the feeling was reciprocated. His concern and willingness to help me without knowing what the problem was, that was love.
As we peeled away from the grand home at breakneck speed, I couldn’t be happier that he drove the gas guzzling sports car. As much as I had scoffed at how impractical it was for negotiating Manhattan traffic, I was now infinitely glad to be able to drive so quickly through the country roads.
I peered into the dark unable to see anything except for small flashes shrubbery as it whizzed past in the gloom. The silence between us rose like a sturdy oak in the forest and neither of us spoke for the longest time.
In the end I took the plunge. “So I know you’re not married, and you’ve never lived with anyone, but obviously there must have been girlfriends. Are you dating anyone?”
“No.”
Interesting that he didn’t elaborate.
“But you do date?” I was probably overstepping, but I pushed on regardless. As confident as he was, I was sure he’d let me know if he wasn’t comfortable answering my questions.
“You could say that. It’s kind of an Olympic sport for me.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well after you left, once I’d picked myself up, and could see straight to put one leg in front of the other again, I attacked the world of dating as though it was my lifeblood. Since then it’s become almost a hobby. It really is kind of like sport to me. Like a game.”
“How can dating be considered a fucking game? A game where you play with other people’s lives? Do the women know they’re being played for sport? I mean, what does that even mean?” I tried to keep a lid on my temper, but my attempts weren’t going well.
“It means that I never really got over you. And my way of dealing with it has been to play the field epically. I realized early on that I just wasn’t going to feel the same way about anyone else as I felt about you, so why bother to even try?”
Ummm. I truly didn’t know what to think about that admission.
“So you mean, you’ve just been in limbo all this time?”
He laughed—a hollow and brittle sound that was far from joyful. “Well, someone give that girl a hand.”
The caustically sarcastic tone of his voice startled me.
“Finally the shoe drops! Yes I’ve been in fucking limbo all this time. What did you expect? You literally disappeared from my life. I really don’t think you understand the impact that has on somebody. So yeah, I played the field like a pro. It’s kind of what I’m known for—dating like a demon. I can’t say it’s something I’m proud of, per se, but it kind of worked for me, so that’s what I’ve been doing.”
The car descended into silence again. I worried at my bottom lip with my teeth as I considered his words. As much as I didn’t approve of his actions, nor did I really feel in the best position to judge him, given that I was the one who had caused to him to be that way. And nobody was perfect. I only had to look in the mirror to see that. I had made mistakes, done things that with hindsight I would change. I’d developed coping strategies. He’d just been doing the same.
As the silence loomed large between us once more, Beck reached across the center console, and squeezed my knee reassuringly.
“Hey listen. I’m sorry about before. It was uncalled for especially at a time like this. I’m an asshole. I’m sorry”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s the truth, and I’d rather you told me the truth than sugarcoated it. I know I screwed you over—there’s no getting around that fact. And I know we can’t just pick up where we left off twelve years ago as though everything is hunky-dory. It’s not. I know that, and I would never expect it to be. But I’m a big girl, and it takes more than a few home truths to upset me.” I looked sideways at him, trying to gauge his reaction to my words.