We bade the officers goodbye as they informed us that they would still need to see Sam at home—probably tomorrow—before they could submit their final report and hopefully close the file. All good. At this point I didn’t care if they wanted me to come to the station in the morning, pee in a cup, take a fucking polygraph test and swear an oath in blood. For now, I just wanted them gone.
As the elevator made its way back down to the ground floor I turned to my son.
“Hey bud, I know I promised we’d talk tonight, but that was before I realized how late it would be before the police left. It’s been a massive day for all of us. How about we park it and chat in the morning when we’re all fresh?”
He looked across at his mom, eyebrows raised in question, just the way I would. She nodded back. We’d already discussed the same when he was on the balcony. As adults we were nearing overwrought with tiredness, so we could only guess how poor Sam felt by that point.
It really wasn’t the best moment for anyone to be opening the giant can of worms that was waiting for us when the time came. A good night’s sleep before we dealt with it would benefit us all.
“Beck’s right. Tomorrow’s a new day. Why don’t you jump in the shower, and get to bed? Everything will seem different in the morning.”
“Okay, but can I just ask one quick question before I go?”
“Sure, but just one, and it needs to be genuinely quick.”
He nodded, and swung his gaze back to me. As he considered me warily the vulnerability in his eyes momentarily winded me.
“Why didn’t you want me?”
Although I’d always known that parenthood was a massively big deal, and one of the toughest gigs in the world, the epic nature of journey I was just embarking on hit me like a ten ton weight.
“What?” I blinked dumbly.
Why it had all just body slammed me at that exact moment, I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was a combination of being tired and overwhelmed. Either way, the responsibility of being someone else’s…everything and the importance of not fucking that up suddenly felt immense.
“You never came to see me, not even once. Never sent me a Christmas or birthday card. Other kids, even if they don’t live with their dads, at least they know who they are, and they see them sometimes, or their dads send them stuff. You didn’t want me. I came looking for you today to find out why not.”
Shit.
Mel gasped, tears simultaneously erupting from her heavily bagged eyes. This was worse than I had imagined. I looked at her, repeating Sam’s earlier questioning gesture. I needed to know she was okay for me to answer truthfully before I went on. She nodded, mutely.
“I know it must have felt that way, Sam, but it really wasn’t like that. I didn’t visit you, or send you cards and presents because I didn’t know anything about you.”
Mel’s composure unraveled even further, and I felt like a giant douche, but we both knew that this was the only way forward. The truth had festered like a rotting corpse in our collective closet for too long. We had to get it out and deal with it. Sam looked understandably perplexed, as his mother walked toward him, arms outstretched.
“Huh? How come you didn’t know about me?”
“Your mom didn’t tell me. I found out at the hospital when you had your asthma attack.”
Mel was directly in front him now, reaching for him, wanting, I was sure, to pull him into a hug. Sam pushed them away forcefully, stepping back away from her. His face was red and puffed up in anger.
“No. Mom, you wouldn’t do that would you?”
Mel nodded dumbly again, while at the same time lurching for him. He shoved her away hard this time, rage blazing in his eyes with the power of a thousand suns.
“Why? All I ever wanted was a dad. When I blew out the candles on my birthday cake every year, I wished for my dad to write to me, or visit me, or somehow show that he wanted me. I always asked Santa for the same, but in secret so that you wouldn’t know. The one thing I ever wanted—my dad—never came.” Jesus.
At first I used to think that it was me, and that there was a reason why my wishes were never granted. But as I got a little older, that’s how I realized Santa didn’t exist, nor did the tooth fairy, or any kind of magic. How could you do that to me?”
Mel let out a strangled sob, still standing with her arms stretched out for Sam. She looked so dejected and broken, I wasn’t sure I’d have enough heart left to survive the fallout of this conversation and live with the aftermath. I felt wiped out already, and we’d barely even scratched the surface.
Just when I thought this situation had her beat, Mel surprised me by swiping swiftly at her cheeks with the back of her hand, stemming the tide of tears cascading down her face. Then she dropped her hands to her sides, and pulled herself up tall through the head and shoulders. After taking a few slow deep breaths, she looked Sam straight in the eye.
“Sometimes good people make bad mistakes. I didn’t tell Beck about you because I thought it the right thing to do. I actually thought I was protecting you both, and helping you, but now I see that I was doing the opposite. I was protecting me, and although I never for one moment meant to hurt either of you, I did. A lot. I just hope you can both forgive me.”
She looked between us then, and more than her obvious vulnerability, I was struck by the inner strength radiating from her. She was ready to deal with the repercussions of her actions, no matter what happened next. I knew it was this grit and determination that had gotten her through everything she’d endured, and seen her come out the other side an accomplished woman with a smart, confident and well-adjusted son.
My admiration for her dwarfed any residual anger or resentment. I’d already forgiven her. I just wanted for the three of us to begin the rest of our lives together. I nodded almost imperceptibly, but it wasn’t really my forgiveness she sought.
Sam shook his head forcefully, and Mel visibly deflated.
“No, I—”
He turned on his heel and bolted toward the guest bathroom. Mel started to run after him, but I caught her wrist and pulled her backward into my body, instead, enveloping her in my arms from behind. It was part-embrace, part-restraint, and she fought against me. I tightened my grasp, waiting until her body slackened in defeat, before releasing her somewhat, lowering my lips to the back of her head and kissing into her hair.
“Let him go. I know I’m no expert, but I think a little cooling off time might do us all some good.” To my surprise, she nodded.
Seizing my opportunity, I led her by the hand into my bedroom, pausing only briefly to pick up her overnight bag on the way.
Once inside, I turned to her. “Why don’t you jump in the shower, and I’ll finish up with Sam?”
“Bu—”
“Okay, that was one of my questions that are not a question. Let me rephrase that. “You take a shower, it’ll help you relax. I’ll deal with Sam. Got to start the parenting gig sometime. No time like the present, right?”
Before she could answer, I had strode out the door.
“Sam?” I rapped gently on the guest bathroom door.
He opened it slowly, his face red and puffy.
“Your overnight stuff is here…” I held the bag up to show him. “Why don’t you take a quick shower, and call it a night?” He looked around the living area apprehensively.