I nodded.
Nathan stayed that afternoon and chatted with me until my father woke up. He gave Dad his condolences, and before he left, he gave me their new address and told me I should stop by the house sometime.
I didn’t know how I felt about that. I didn’t want to upset Farrah. But she was just about the only thing on my mind.
Chapter 19
* * *
Jace
A week after Nathan’s surprise visit, I still couldn’t get over his change of heart. Between work and dealing with Dad, I’d managed to stay busy enough not to do anything rash. As the days passed, though, the need to see Farrah became more urgent. But given what I’d learned and the way our first encounter had gone, I had no idea what to expect if I showed up at her house.
However, Nathan’s putting aside the past and reaching out motivated me to grow some damn balls and make the first move. I texted Nathan to ask if he’d be okay with me coming by to talk to Farrah. He responded that he had physical therapy this morning, but Farrah didn’t have class today. He said she would probably be home until she went to work at three this afternoon. I asked him to tell her I would be stopping by around two. He confirmed, but he didn’t say anything about her reaction. I took that as a cue that she was okay with it. At least I hoped so.
As I drove to their house, I had no idea what I was going to say to her. Instead of rehearsing something I would likely mess up anyway, I’d spent the day ruminating. Nathan’s new outlook on everything still made me somewhat angry. What was the point of my leaving, of breaking his sister’s heart, only to have him be so forgiving in the end? It was amazing what a brush with death could do to someone. I supposed there was no way of knowing exactly how things would have played out if I’d stayed; things could’ve ended up worse than they were now.
My palms were sweaty as I pulled up to their small property. This house was easily a third of the size of their last one. It hurt me that Farrah no longer had the pool she used to love so much. But at least they’d paid this house off and didn’t have to worry about a mortgage.
I exited my truck and walked to their front door. With stiff knuckles, I knocked.
After a moment, Farrah opened the door. My heart clenched. I’d hoped for a smile but got nothing but a blank stare. Even so, she was somehow more beautiful than ever. Draped over her breasts, her chestnut hair was longer than I remembered. She’d lined her eyes in a way that brought out their gorgeous hazel color with gold speckles.
Feeling instantly unwelcome, I lifted my hand. “Hey.”
She swallowed and, in a barely audible voice, said, “Hi.”
I looked over my shoulder briefly. “Are you gonna run from me again? I’ve got my tennis shoes on this time. I came prepared.”
“I really do want to run, to be honest.”
Ouch. I fiddled with my thumbs. “Can I come in?”
She stepped aside. “Sure.”
Looking around, I noticed some of the furniture was the same, like the old couch where we used to sit for movie night. It was about the only thing that felt familiar right now.
“How are you?” I asked.
“I’ve been better.”
“I get it.”
She looked down at her flip-flops, and I did the same, noticing the red color painted on her toes.
Farrah finally looked up at me. “I ran the other day because my reaction to seeing you scared me a little. Your leaving hurt me badly, but I’ve come a long way from three years ago. I don’t ever want to be held hostage by my emotions like that again. I would’ve done anything to be with you. It was pathetic.”
“Pathetic? I don’t remember you that way at all.”
Her voice grew louder. “Why did you want to see me, Jace?”
I ran my hands through my hair. “I just want to know you’re okay.”
“For what? So you can feel better about the decision you made to leave? What’s done is done. Life goes on. I survived. I’ve moved on. I don’t like being reminded of a time I’d rather forget.”
The pain was reflected in her eyes. As much as she’d tried to sell me on the fact that she’d moved on, that certainly wasn’t the vibe I got, even if she did seem different from the girl I’d left behind.
There was so much I wanted to say, but all that came out was, “I’m sorry.”
She deflected. “How is your father?”
“Pretty lost.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Her eyes softened. “I know how much she meant to you. It was devastating to hear that Faye passed so suddenly.”
“Thank you.” I took a few steps toward her, noticing she moved back the same number of steps. “And thank you for the flowers.”
Her voice was low. “Of course.”
Farrah’s rigid body language told me not to get comfortable, so I opted not to sit, instead continuing to stand across from her while keeping my space.
“I was shocked that Nathan came by to see me,” I said. “It meant a lot. I never expected that he’d want to talk to me again, let alone initiate a visit.”
“Yeah. Well, he’s changed a lot since his accident…finding Jesus and all.”
“I can see that.”
“In many ways, it’s like he and I switched places. He’s much more apt to forgive and forget now. Whereas I’m less trusting than I used to be.”
Well, that was a clear message. For a moment, the silence was deafening. Every time she looked me in the eyes, she’d catch herself and look anywhere else. My eyes, however, stayed fixed on her.
“Who was the woman with you that day at the restaurant?” she finally asked.
“My girlfriend…well, my ex-girlfriend now. I don’t really know where she and I stand. We’re taking a break while I’m here.”
Farrah fidgeted. “I see.” She looked over at the clock. “Well, I actually have to go. I’m going to be late for my shift.”
Shit. I’d barely had a chance to speak to her, and with her being so cold, I didn’t feel comfortable pushing things.
“Do you…need a ride?”
“No.”
That was a dumb question, but I was desperate for more time with her.
“Okay. You were walking home the other day. I wasn’t sure if you had a car.”
“I chose to walk that day for exercise. I have a car.” She pointed out the window. “That’s my Focus parked across the street.”
Turning around, I spotted the small, blue vehicle. It was a heck of a lot better than the piece of crap she used to drive.
“Okay…well…I guess I’ll let you get going.”
Farrah wrapped her arms around herself. “Yeah…”
Feeling defeated, I forced myself to walk away. The superficial conversation we’d just had left me unsettled. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I hadn’t said everything I’d wanted to say to her. She’d had her guard up. I’d often wondered what a reunion with Farrah would be like. This was nothing like I’d imagined.
A nagging feeling persisted as I got back in my car and drove off. I’d finally had an opportunity to face her, and I completely blew it.