She turned to her boyfriend. “Niles, I think I’m gonna take a nap before work. I’m not feeling that great.”
“You want me to lie down with you?”
The pizza turned in my stomach.
“No,” she said. “You should go help your grandmother with that thing she called you about anyway.”
Yeah. Go on and help your grandmother, dickhead.
“Okay.” He stood up, dumping his pizza crust in the box. “Have a good night at work, babe.”
When he walked over to give her a kiss, I had to turn away.
Relief washed over me the second the door closed behind him.
Chapter 20
* * *
Farrah
“Jace and I are going to talk.”
Nathan looked between Jace and me like he’d missed something. He had, of course. Because there’d been no conversation, just a secret message he had no clue about.
My brother stood. “Want me to leave? Give you some privacy?”
“No,” I said. “We’ll take a walk.” I looked up at Jace. “Come on.”
He followed me out the door. A gentle breeze blew my hair around as I took a deep breath in, feeling so gosh darn nervous and unprepared to be alone with him.
“Where do you wanna go?” he asked.
Moving some of my hair behind my ear, I said, “Around the block is good.”
We set off down the street.
Jace slipped his hands into his pockets. “Thank you for figuring out what I was asking.”
“Well, you stole my line.” I forced a smile.
“I did.” He grinned, seeming relieved.
As much as I tried to fight my feelings, the physical reaction I had to being next to him was no different than it used to be. Which was exactly why I needed to nip this in the bud.
“Nathan’s not crazy about your boyfriend,” he said. “And now I can see why.”
“Nathan’s not crazy about anyone who takes my attention away from him.”
“I think it’s more than that in this case. But as long as you’re happy.” He searched my eyes. “You are happy, right?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I wasn’t unhappy, but true happiness wasn’t something I’d felt for a very long time. Neither was it something I strived for or expected anymore.
“I’m at peace. Peace is more important to me than happiness. I made a vow to myself after you left that I wouldn’t allow my happiness to depend on other people. It has to come from within. I’m still working on it. But I don’t expect anyone else to make me happy—least of all a man.”
“So, you’re saying that guy doesn’t make you happy, then…”
I sighed. “Niles is not perfect. But he’s what I need right now. It’s easy with him. I don’t want to be with someone who’ll leave me devastated and take my heart and soul when he goes.”
Jace’s breath hitched. “So you’re saying you’re with this guy because you don’t care one way or the other if things work out?”
“It feels safe.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.”
Jace searched my eyes. “Listen, I didn’t ask you to make time for me so I could undermine your decisions. I just want to say what I needed to say to you the other day before my nerves got the best of me.”
I stopped walking. “What is there left to say? Nothing is going to change what happened.”
As we stood face to face, the sun reflected in Jace’s blue eyes. “I just…want you to know that if I could do everything over again, I would’ve stayed. I know that’s not what you want to hear. And it’s too little too late. But I still want to explain myself.” He kicked the ground a bit, looking tormented. “My guilt was off the charts back then. I let it rule my decisions. And of course, I thought Nathan didn’t have the capacity to forgive me. Everything I see now, in retrospect, makes me even more sorry I didn’t follow my heart and stay with you. There was no part of me that wanted to leave. At the time, I felt like I was doing you a favor. I know it’s too late to change the past, but I want you to know how damn sorry I am that I hurt you.”
His eyes were filled with regret. I did believe he was sorry. It just didn’t change anything for me. I could forgive him, but I couldn’t trust him.
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and I don’t harbor any ill will toward you, Jace.” I rubbed over my arms and gazed out at the street before looking back at him. “But I’ve worked really hard to come out of the darkness I fell into after you left. I was lovesick. The way I overcame that was to train myself not to feel anything. When you practice being numb for long enough, it actually sticks. That’s sort of where I am right now.”
“That breaks my fucking heart,” he said.
“Well, mine broke a long time ago. But whaddya know…I’ve figured out that you don’t actually need one to function.”
Jace shook his head. “Nathan told me how tough things were after his accident. The way you got him through that and managed to land on your feet is commendable. I’m proud of you for that and for enrolling in school, too.”
“There’s nothing commendable about starting college late.” I chuckled. “But thanks.”
Jace exhaled, seeming frustrated. “Farrah, tell me what to do. Tell me what you need from me. Is it to not come around again? I only agreed to come over today because I thought you weren’t going to be here. I don’t want to upset you.”
There was no simple answer to that question, but telling him to stay away wasn’t right.
“I don’t want you to stop being there for Nathan, even if it’s hard for me to see you. My brother needs you. He needs that friendship back.” I paused, thinking back to Nathan’s accident and how I’d thought I was going to lose him. My voice trembled. “He almost died. And as much as you say you’re proud of me, I’m ten times prouder of him. I’ve forgiven him for what he did to me—to us. And I forgive you for leaving, too, okay? But one thing I can’t do is be the girl I was when you left. She’s gone.”
He looked at me for the longest time as he processed my words.
“Fair enough.” He nodded as he looked down at his shoes. “I understand, Farrah. Thank you for saying you forgive me. That means more to me than you realize.”
When he met my eyes again, the intensity of his stare caused me to look away. “You still don’t know how long you’re staying?” I asked.
“I don’t feel ready to go back. My father is not in a good place mentally. He needs my help. Honestly, anything I’d be going back to in Charlotte is more in shambles than what’s here. And that’s saying a lot.”
I had so many questions about that girlfriend of his—about his life over the past few years. “You said your girlfriend…broke up with you?”
“She thinks I have unfinished business here. She says I won’t be able to move on with my life until I’ve settled it. She chose to give me the freedom to do that.”
That made me anxious. What was left to settle? I needed to get out of this conversation. “I’d better get back,” I said. “I’m going to be late for work.”