“Mr. Fischer called the other day to check up on you, and to let me know he has a couple commissions for me when I come back to work. I told him it would be better to find someone else because I’m not sure when I’ll be coming back. He insisted he wanted me and would wait as long as it took.” I take her hand and curl her fingers around my cheek. “I know what you would say if you could respond. You’d tell me I better take the commission now. To not waste time sitting here with you.” I smile sadly. “I’m sorry, baby, but I can’t do that. Until the end, this is where I’ll be, and when I’m not, I’ll be with the kids. ‘Til death do us part, remember? Well, your heart’s still beating.”
Getting up from my chair, I wedge myself on the bed beside Molly. It’s a tight fit putting my big body between Molly and the bedrail without disturbing her, but I’ve become a master at it over the last few weeks. The nurses would have a fit if they were to walk in right now, but I really don’t care.
I pinch a lock of her hair draped over her shoulder and twirl it around my finger.
“Jenna found out yesterday that she’s pregnant. Her, Bryant, and Violet are ecstatic. According to her doctor, she’s seven weeks along. They asked me to be the baby’s godfather. I’ve accepted the role, but as honored as I am, you should be there beside me as the godmother.”
Bringing her hair to my nose, I take a deep breath. I brought the shampoo that Molly has used for years up here. She’d love knowing she still smells like herself, instead of the harsh, sterile stuff the nurses use.
“I’m trying my best to stay strong, Molly, but I’m struggling. I miss you so damn much that I feel a constant hole in my chest. Each day that passes, it gets bigger, and I don’t know what to do to stop it. When I’m not here with you, this is the only place I want to be. And when I am, I feel guilty for leaving the kids. They’re having a rough time too, but little by little, they’re getting better. It’s become our normal to not have you at the house, and I hate that. I feel so much hate for that; I feel the burn of it in my stomach.”
Releasing a sigh, I settle more comfortably against the pillow beside her head. I put my hand on her chest, right over her heart, feeling the steady rhythm of its beat. It used to comfort me, but now it doesn’t. It’s artificial. If the breathing tube was removed, her heart would stop.
“I’m struggling, but I’m holding on, just like I promised. It’s not easy, and some days I want to give up, but I won’t. Our babies have gone through enough pain, I’ll be damned if I add more. You don’t ever have to worry about that.” I kiss her cheek and leave my lips near her ear. “I know you’re still in there. Come back to me, baby.” My voice cracks. “I don’t want to do this without you.”
A wave of fatigue hits me suddenly, and my eyes fall closed. I’ve been so tired lately. I’m still having problems sleeping. Each time I close my eyes, my mind fills itself with memories of Molly. I love those memories of our life together. What I don’t love is waking up from them, only to realize they were only dreams. A fresh surge of agonizing pain always follows me into consciousness.
I haven’t washed the pillowcase on Molly’s pillow yet, refusing to extinguish her scent. Her pillow is my haven when I sleep in our bed. If I can’t have her there, I at least have some form of replacement.
I keep my eyes closed and my hand on Molly’s chest, deciding for once, to give in to sleep. I’ve lain with Molly like this numerous times, and each time my sleep has been peaceful.
Kissing Molly’s cheek again, I let exhaustion take me under.
I jerk awake when my senses become alert. Snapping my eyes to Molly’s face, I suck in a breath when I find a pair of gorgeous sparkling green eyes staring back at me. I’m frozen in place, unable to move or breathe, too afraid to do either.
Am I dreaming? Is this real?
“Molly?” I croak.
Her eyes flicker, and her hand I’ve got gripped tightly in mine twitches.
“Can you hear me, baby?” My voice is so raw I can barely get the words out.
She doesn’t move, but her eyes tell me a thousand things. Her words of love whisper in my mind.
I love you, Lincoln. Forevermore.
Live for me.
Watch over our babies.
I’ll see you again soon.
As soon as her glorious voice filters through my mind, it’s gone. Her eyes close, and a loud and steady beep fills the room.
A piercing pain enters my chest, lashing me right through the heart. I jerk to a sitting position.
“Molly!” I call frantically.
I jump off the bed, but hover over her, desperate for her to open her eyes again.
“Baby! Wake up! Please, Molly!”
I smash the button on the remote over and over again.
My throat clogs, and my nose stings with my impending tears. I start to heave, my lungs not getting enough air. My heart pounds so loud, it’s nearly deafening in my ears. But it’s not loud enough to drown out that steady beep.
“No!” I croak. “Oh, God, Molly! No, baby!”
Tears pour from my eyes as that goddamn beep blasts in my ears.
I have Molly’s hand gripped tightly in mine when Mariah, one of the nurses, runs into the room.
“What’s happening?” I demand hoarsely, but I already know. “She opened her eyes and looked at me, so why in the hell has her heart stopped?”
“She’s coding,” she says, sprinting to the side of the bed I’m on. “I need you to step back.”
Everything in me screams not to let go of her hand, but I do, so I’m not in her way.
I’ve just taken a step back when a doctor comes rushing in, followed closely by Joanna, another nurse. She pushes a cart over to the bed and starts flipping switches.
My legs start to give out, so I fall back against the wall, watching helplessly as they try to make Molly’s heart start again. The longer that beep stays the same, the more cracks form in my heart. I feel like I’m dying along with Molly.
She’s not supposed to die. Everyone told me it’s inevitable, but they were supposed to be wrong. Molly can’t be gone. She can’t leave me all alone.
Where in the fuck is the miracle I’ve prayed so hard for?
She opened her fucking eyes. She looked right at me, for God’s sake.
As I stand there feeling like my life is ending, I send up the same prayer over and over again.
Please, don’t take her away from me. Don’t fucking do this to me. Don’t give me a glimmer of hope and snatch it away again. Please, please don’t take her away.
I don’t know how long they work on her. It feels like hours. And it feels like only seconds.
Tears course down my cheeks, soaking my beard. When the doctor’s shoulders slump and he sedately calls the time of death, I want to rail at him to keep going. To not stop until my girl’s heart is beating again. He didn’t try hard enough. Didn’t give her enough time. If only he’ll try one more time, she might come back.
As if sensing my frantic thoughts, his somber eyes move to me. He’s not one of the normal doctors who oversees Molly, so I don’t know his name. Apparently, he knows mine, though, because he addresses me by my name.