We’ll be in the same bedroom.
Will we fuck? I’m not sure I’ll be able to, not having yet felt the slightest twitch in my cock, but my recent surgery will be a good excuse that will work at least for the immediate future.
I’m feeling cheated. The mirror in the bathroom shows nobody is lying when they say twelve years has passed by. It’s undeniable that I’ve grown older. My face is lined, even more so than Vanna’s, my skin leathery presumably from riding in all weathers and my hair long in a style I immediately hated. I even found a couple of grey pubic hairs when I’d had a close look.
In truth though, I feel about seventy. I hate the weakness on my right side. I’ve been told I’m a tattoo artist and a good one at that, though it’s hard to believe that seeing the state I’m currently in. My hand isn’t strong enough to hold a gun, and it shakes so much when I just try to lift it. How can I work when I can’t even hold a fork? For the time being, I’ll have to rely on Vanna and whatever military pension I get. Another thing stacked against us; I’ve never leaned so heavily on a woman before.
Whether or not my movement comes back, I’ll have to leave my current job. For one thing, it’s here, not Denver, and the other, I want nothing to do with the owners, the Satan’s Devils motorcycle club. It’s probably a front to launder money. I must have been lucky not to have been arrested and serve time in the intervening years. Or, if I have, no one’s yet told me.
The doctors have said it’s unpredictable whether I’ll get my memory back. Something tells me I’m suppressing it, as there’s no way I want to return to who I was. Who’d want to remember they were a biker for fuck’s sake? Not me, that’s for sure. Instead, I’ll move forward, I’ll step up and be a husband and father.
Am I? Can I?
“How are you feeling, Dad?”
“Hi, Cas. Come in. Where’s your mother?”
“She’s talking to the nurse.” Cad frowns as he comes over, giving me a critical look. “You’re going to look odd when they remove that bandage.”
I am indeed. Too anxious to deal with anything but removing the tumour, they’d shaved the part of my head where they’d operated and removed a piece of my skull before, apparently, gluing it back in again, but left my hair long everywhere else. I prefer the military haircut, always have. “I’ll shave it all off,” I tell him. I won’t mind doing that. Who lets their hair grow long anyway? Only rockers and greasy riders with a motorcycle club.
“That’s a shame, but perhaps you can grow it again.”
“Isn’t it time you cut your hair, Cas?” I’d prefer him clean-cut with a short back and sides.
He gives me a look I don’t think a son should give his father. It’s certainly not one of respect. “My hair, my choice. I’ll do what I want, Dad.”
“Cas,” I growl, warningly.
“Dad?” he challenges back.
“You’re doing well, the nurses say.” Vanna’s cheerful voice cuts through the growing animosity in the room. “The plan is you’re still coming home tomorrow.”
I realise she’s always been there as a buffer between us, and this is the first time I’ve been alone with my kid. It hadn’t been a good experience. Kid seems to need a strong hand, Vanna’s clearly let him run wild. He’s got to learn how to respect his elders.
What was I like at his age? Grateful for everything I got as I recall. Left to go hungry and neglected too often. I’d learned to be quiet and invisible in most of the foster homes I’d been in. Kept my head down for my own safety and never rocked the boat.
It was how I’d coped when I went into the Marines, appreciating the structure and routine, and obeying orders without question. Perhaps it would do Cas good to join up when he’s eighteen?
And be like me? Invalided out and no good to anyone at the age of twenty-four? Is that really what I want for him?
I was unlucky.
I was lucky not to end up dead.
Maybe Vanna would have preferred that? After a period of mourning, she could have found someone else. That thought makes me growl. I might not be certain I want her, but I wouldn’t want her to be with anyone else.
Vanna’s eyes snap to mine. “You okay, Liz? Your head hurting?”
“When isn’t it?” I bite back, but without bitterness. It’s the cost of me living through what I had, and the doctors say the headaches should improve as the swelling goes down in my head.
“You ever play Assassin’s Creed, Dad?”
I take it as the olive branch it probably is. Cas trying to forge some connection with me. “That’s the new game, not long been out.”
“Oh, yeah. I’ve got latest version. I bought it with my Christmas money. I love the free roaming.”
Free roaming? What crap is this? Another sign the world has moved on, leaving me in its wake. Fucking hell, I can’t even connect with my son over a game, we don’t speak the same language.
I glare at Vanna. “Isn’t that for over eighteen?”
Cas rolls his eyes. “Everyone plays it, Dad.”
“He’s right,” Vanna says, her eyes meeting mine.
“He should be playing Super Mario.” The first game I can think of comes into my mind.
Cas’s look of disdain makes me annoyed.
“Cas, can you go get me a coffee?” Vanna reaches into her purse and extracts some bills from her wallet.
“Sure. You want anything, Dad?”
I want an obedient kid, and a mom who buys suitable games for him, but all I answer is, “No.”
When he leaves the room, I turn on Vanna. “There’s a reason for age limits on those games. They’re too violent.”
“I’d rather he was playing that then out on the streets,” she snaps back. “I manage the time he’s playing, try to make sure he gets his homework done. It’s a compromise bringing up a teenager, Liz. Look, I won’t say I’ve not made mistakes,” a look of pain comes over her face, “but I’ve tried to bring him up right.”
I’ve hurt her by my accusations. When I reach out my hand, she takes it. “You’ll have me with you to share the load from now on, Evangeline. You won’t be alone any longer.”
I’d hoped, expected, to see a look of relief, but instead, the lines on her forehead increase.
Her expression pulls me up. She’s built a life revolving around her and the kid. I start worrying there’s no room for me in it. Maybe too much water has gone under the bridge? Maybe we’re too different to pick up where we left off?
Her face softens at my frown. “Lizard, Cas could really do with a father in his life, but it’s been the two of us for so long, it’s not going to be easy. Don’t be too hard on him, he’ll just rebel. Get to know him before you start laying the law down, okay?”
I appreciate what she’s saying, and it hits me that there’s stuff I’ve not been told. From what I’ve seen though, the kid needs to learn respect, and who better to show him how to behave than the man who gave him life?
Cas comes back with Vanna’s coffee, but she barely has time to drink it before the physio appears to take me through my torture regime. Not wanting her to see what a failure of a husband she has now, I send both of them away so I can be put through hell in private.