She swallowed her food and smirked. “So now you get to determine who can and can’t ask me out?”
He frowned, his pizza slice halfway to his mouth. “I didn’t mean… Wait, do you want him to ask you out?”
Jasper didn’t like the burn that caused in his stomach. Why wouldn’t she want that? Fitz was a good-looking, friendly guy. He was damn successful. He’d treat her well.
Jasper hated the idea immediately. He wanted to murder that idea, bury it deep in the ground, and salt the earth.
“That’s not the point,” she said. “And it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m not ready for that kind of thing yet.”
Jasper set his plate down, his appetite waning. “What kind of thing?”
“Going out with someone. I would probably have a panic attack before the appetizers hit the table,” she said grimly. “I don’t date.”
She folded her pizza New York style and took too big of a bite, like she wanted her mouth to be too stuffed to continue this conversation.
But Jasper couldn’t let that one go. “Wait. You don’t date?”
She shook her head, her nose twitching.
“Like at all?”
She set her plate aside, finished chewing, and gave him an exasperated look. “Like ever. Do you have something to drink?”
“Uh, yeah. Bottled water, sparkling water, and beer.”
“Sparkling.”
Jasper went to the fridge and grabbed a random flavor of LaCroix, still hung up on what she’d said. He handed it to her. “You’re serious.”
She took the drink from him, her lips pursed. “Did you miss the part where I freeze up talking to people? Going on a date usually involves speaking to someone you’re attracted to. Remember how I was when we met that first day? That’s my body’s reaction to attraction. Tics and then flight.”
“Attraction.” Her words made him perk up. “So that first day…”
She gave him an are-you-really-going-to-make-me-say-it look. “Yes, Jasper. I thought you were hot, and I completely panicked.”
His lips parted. Closed again. “Wow.” Then another thought hit him. “Wait. So…have you never, like, spent time…with anyone?”
She leaned back against the counter and took a long sip of the water before giving him a droll look. “Way subtle, Jasper. I know what you’re asking. No, I’m not a virgin. I dated my best friend for about a year in college. But that’s it.”
It wasn’t lost on him that her tics had decreased despite the personal topic of conversation. This was Hollyn. He’d somehow gotten into her safe zone, and he was seeing the real her, the one beneath the stranger anxiety. And what he saw there was fascinating and beautiful but also…lonely. Isolated. She hadn’t been with anyone since she was in college? “So that kiss…”
She looked away. “It’d been a while.”
“I couldn’t tell.”
She glanced up with a gimme-a-break glare. “Liar.”
“I’m being serious.” He laced his hands behind his head and let out a breath, absorbing all the information. “I had no clue. Honestly. That’s…tough.”
“It sucks,” she said flatly and set her drink on the counter. “I had an idea, though. About how these lessons could help.”
He lowered his arms to his side. “With the dating stuff?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I mean, if the improv makes you more comfortable thinking on your feet, I’m sure that will translate to—”
“No,” she said, cutting him off. “My idea is that, well, it’s about what you said last night.”
His brow wrinkled. “What I said…”
She met his gaze, something defiant there. Her nose twitched. “I might want to use you, too.”
He stared at her for a second, his mental GPS not tracking. “What’s that now?”
She licked her lips and pushed a lock of hair that had escaped her bun behind her ear. Her gaze shifted to some spot off to the left of his shoes like she was losing confidence. “Last night, you said we shouldn’t get involved because you didn’t want to date anyone right now and that you’d just be using me for, you know, the physical stuff.” She tapped a pattern on her thigh with her fingers. “You assumed I’m looking to date. That’s not the case. I’m not prepared for that either. But I’m never going to be if I don’t…work through some things.”
Jasper’s ears started to ring like he’d been to a loud concert. He wasn’t hearing what he thought he was hearing. “Some things.”
She pinched her temples. “God, this is hard to say and like super embarrassing, but I’m giving this blatant honesty thing of yours a shot.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve been in therapy for this anxiety stuff for a while, but it can only do so much.” She closed her eyes. “I literally ache, Jasper. To be touched. To have that skin-to-skin contact with someone I’m into. I’m alone all the time. A vibrator can take care of some things but can’t fix what’s wrong.”
Fuck. The visual. His whole body lit on fire. “Hollyn—”
She looked up, cheeks scarlet, but her gaze resolute. Brave. “So if you weren’t bullshitting me—if you’re actually into me that way, but would just want the physical stuff, to use me for that—well…I’m kind of in a place where I want to be used. Where I want to use you in the same way.”
He’d fallen asleep. That was the only explanation. He was on the couch, having some sort of erotic dream where Hollyn was begging him to touch her, telling him that she had an ache she wanted him to satisfy.
She closed her eyes and winced. “For the love of God, please say something before I suffer death by mortification right here in your kitchen.”
Not a dream. He swallowed past his parched throat and ignored his thundering heart. “Don’t do that. And please don’t be embarrassed. I’m just…processing that a beautiful woman asked to use me for sex. I’m determining if I’ve suffered a head trauma. Maybe I should try to count backward by sevens from one hundred. One hundred…ninety-three…”
She put her hands over her face and laugh-groaned. “Jasper.”
He stepped forward and took her wrists, gently bringing her hands away from her face. “Come on, it’s okay. Don’t hide. Look at me.”
Reluctantly, she opened one eye like she was afraid of what she’d find.