Nadia thought about her sister as she settled back in her seat and the plane headed northeast to Europe. She had her own future to think about now too. She and Nicolas would be filing their agreement soon with the notaire for the divorce. Neither of them had been unreasonable, and Nadia was surprised by how simple the process had become, in uncontested divorces. French law had eased up considerably when both parties agreed. Her lawyer had explained that most divorces got mired down in lengthy disputes over money, custody arrangements, or property. But since neither of them was taking an adversarial position, and the only thing Nadia wanted was use of the apartment, which he had agreed to immediately, and child support, they were among the lucky few who could get through the process quickly. Her attorney had pointed out that it sometimes took years where tangible assets were concerned. Sometimes the children were adults and had left home by the time they resolved it. He cited one case he’d had that had taken nineteen years, but he said that was unusual. But most divorces weren’t as bloodless as theirs, or as simple. He said that if nothing changed before they signed the agreement, they could be divorced in one or two months after they signed. As Nadia thought about it, she realized they would be divorced before next summer. A few tears rolled down her cheeks, thinking about it, and Olivia’s situation, and then she fell asleep.
She woke up halfway through the flight, and tried to watch a movie. She couldn’t concentrate on it and didn’t want a meal. She hoped Olivia had been able to reach Harley by then, and could talk about what had happened, and that ultimately he would forgive her, although it might take a long time. She had discovered herself that love didn’t die as quickly as one thought it would. It died slowly, like a living being as its lifeblood leaked away, shifting its weight occasionally, moving slightly, so you knew that it was still there, dying, but not dead yet. Nadia felt that way about Nicolas. She still loved what he used to be, and the marriage they’d had, not what he had turned it into, and they’d become. Wrapping up the memories and burying them was painful, but cremating them in the white-hot fire of hatred was probably even more so. Nadia was still waiting for her love of Nicolas to die a gentle death. The embers were still warm, and not fully out yet, and she accepted the possibility now that maybe they never would be. Sadly, when she thought of their marriage ending, she thought of how gentle and loving he had always been, the happy times, the things they had in common, and everything she loved about him. But when she thought of staying with him, she thought of him cheating, and was sure he’d do it again. It didn’t leave much room for someone new to take his place, but she didn’t want that anyway.
The only serious candidate who had crossed her path was Greg, and she wasn’t in love with him. She knew she never could be the way she had been with Nicolas, in the beginning. But maybe a love like that only happened once in a lifetime. That was a possibility she accepted too. Maybe the people you loved after that were more like friends or companions, people to travel through life with, on parallel tracks, always with a little distance, but not interwoven or entwined. She and Nicolas had been part of a single fabric, their threads forming a single design. He had torn what they had in half, and shredded their marriage, and there were only tatters left.
She wondered if she could ever truly love Greg. He was a good person, a smart man. He wasn’t interested in becoming involved with her children, which might be a good thing. He wouldn’t interfere, and Nicolas was their father and was staying closely engaged with them. Greg was a possible companion for her, an intelligent, caring partner she could share a life with. He was civilized and not passionate. She wondered if that was what she needed now. But it felt more like a business alliance than a love relationship to her. And eventually, he’d go back to the States, New York or Dallas or somewhere, and she didn’t want to live there. It would be a big change for her girls. She didn’t want to take them away from Nicolas now. They needed to see him, and to have him close by. And she couldn’t imagine living in the States herself, and leaving France.
She wondered too what Nicolas was going to do. It didn’t seem as though his relationship with Pascale was continuing or prospering, even with the baby. She wasn’t a deep person and was content to have someone else carry her responsibilities, like Nicolas. The baby was an add-on, an accessory, to pick up and put down at will. And she seemed to feel that way about Nicolas too. Sylvie had told her that she thought it was already over. But if not Pascale, there would be another woman in his life eventually. He said he still loved Nadia, whenever he had the chance to tell her, but what did that mean and how long would that last? How soon would he cheat on her again? Twice in eleven years was twice too often. He was a passionate man. He loved women, and he would fall in love again. He didn’t keep his emotional life on a low simmer in full control at all times, like Greg, never letting it heat up too much. It was less dangerous that way, which was why Greg did it, having been burned himself.
Part of Nicolas’s appeal was how he threw his heart into everything, with total abandon, giving his whole soul to whatever he was doing, or whomever he was loving. She had benefited from that for sixteen years of their loving each other, and Pascale had only been around for a few months. Maybe the next time would be forever. Or as close to it as he could get. Maybe he was a man who needed different women for different stages of his life, different decades. She couldn’t really expect him to be the same man at fifty or sixty that he had been in his thirties. Or the same man now at forty-two that he had been when they were students and he was madly in love with her, and they stayed in bed for hours instead of going to class. But oddly, she could see him doing that into the future. She wondered if he was going to remain a boy for the rest of his life. Greg was decidedly and indisputably an adult, to the very core of his being. There was no whimsy in him, but that innocent, magical side of Nicolas is what had led him astray and into Pascale’s arms.
She thought about it until they landed, got off the plane, and headed to baggage claim. She took an Uber into the city, and texted Nicolas that she had arrived. He answered that the girls were excited and couldn’t wait to see her in the morning. He had had a wonderful time with them, but they were ready to return to their mother. She was home to them. He was the outsider now, and he knew it. And even more so with his wife.
* * *
—
It was cold in the apartment when she got home. She turned the heat up in their room, so it would be warm in the morning. There had been a severe cold spell while they were gone. The housekeeper had bought groceries, so she’d have enough to make them breakfast. They were going back to school the day after, so they’d have a day together. She was back in her role as mother, always thinking about them first. She left her suitcase in the front hall, and walked around the apartment. She was wide awake with the time difference from New York. She was proud of herself. It had been her first Christmas vacation when she wasn’t with them the entire time, and she had gotten through it. She’d had a nice time with her mother and sisters, although it was odd being with her niece and nephews without having Sylvie and Laure with her. She went to bed late, after calling Olivia, but she didn’t respond. She called Venetia, who had no news either.