She hangs her head. “I’m not proud of that. But, Zach, after you ended up in prison, I knew I had to take her out of that environment, too, or else she’d end up like I did.”
Clenching my hands, I say, “Well, you know what would have been nice? If you didn’t totally cut me out of your life.”
She looks ashamed. “I’m not proud of what I did to you. But knowing the horrible influence your father was after he got sent away to prison—”
“You’d just pretend I never existed.” My voice is drenched in venom, and I see my mom start to quiver.
“Please don’t say it like that,” she says. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“What the hell did you think would happen when you took away my only sister and disappeared me from her life—and yours?”
She touches her forehead. “I knew you’d be strong. Stronger. You’d have to be cut off from us sooner or later.”
My nostrils flare. “So your rationale for cutting me out of your life,” I begin, “is that I’d become stronger?”
I stand up and pace around the patio. The fresh ocean air is in direct contrast to the grimness I’m feeling.
My jaw slackens, and I turn to her with my hands on my hips. “What the hell is this, some Johnny Cash song?”
She squints at me. “What on Earth are you talking about?”
“‘A Boy Named Sue’? You never heard of that song?”
She shakes her head.
“It doesn’t even matter.” I collapse back into my chair, feeling sick.
Leaning forward, my mom puts her hand on my knee. “Look, Zach. I know things haven’t worked out well for most of us up until now. But we can change the future. I have a law degree now and teach law at Berkley. Your sister is going to school at Vanderbilt. I even practice law on the side. We can change our—”
“Stop.” I hold out a hand.
“What?”
“Well, I knew about the Berkley law thing, and I have something I’d like to ask you.”
“Oh God, are you in trouble with the law again?”
I smirk. “No, not me. Something else. But
did you just say Kennedee is at Vanderbilt?”
She nods. “She just finished her freshman year and she’s still there for the summer.”
My heart races, and suddenly I’m ultra-awake.
And it’s got nothing to do with the cold coffee I haven’t been drinking.
For the first time in a long time, the thought crosses my mind that maybe there is a purpose for things.
Maybe there’s a reason I pulled up to The Hungry Burger that night.
There’s a reason Harm’s stepmom forgot to give her a ride home—so I would be in her life right now. And so this chain of events could lead me to this moment in time.
“By the way, Zach. I have to ask. What drove you to come visit right here and now? And how’d you find the place?”
I look up at her with my eyes wide. “A girl asked me if I loved her, and I couldn’t tell her yes. I was afraid the moment I told her that I loved her that it would be the end of our love.”
She shivers, frowning, and stands up.
“Oh, God. What have I done? Come here.”
She pulls me in for a hug, and I flinch, holding back.
“I’m so, so sorry, Zach.”
“I need to take a walk,” I manage, unable to lower my defenses.
I get up and leave.
I head around the block, my hands on top of my head as I wander the streets with no destination in mind.
The tragedy of the last few years settles into my soul. I have every reason to hold out against my mother. A huge part of me feels like I wouldn’t have wasted away over a year, rotting in a prison cell, if she’d never left.
And I’m not going to accept her apology lickety-split because she gets all teary-eyed.
Clenching my fists, I head toward the beach.
The sound of a guitar lures me closer to the sand. My ears perk up when I hear the chords being strummed.
Turning a corner, I see the source of the music: a shaggy-haired, skinny blond guy with his shirt off. He can’t be a day over twenty.
I stop in front of him and feel goosebumps when I realize what song he’s playing.
Waiting for the moonlight
Waiting for the sun
You’ll do that thing tomorrow
But tomorrow never comes
Yeah, tomorrow never comes
You fell behind in the race
The cards never fell into place
Blame it all on the dealer
Blame it all on the draw
You’ll get better cards tomorrow
But tomorrow never comes
Yeah, tomorrow never comes
I watch him, totally transfixed.
As he sings the last verse, a wave of emotion hits me so hard I have to sit down.
I’m dizzy, lightheaded, and flushed with energy all at once.
I run my hand over my forehead and close my eyes tight.
Just then, I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, man, you all right?”
Blinking my eyes open, I see the guitarist. “You need a water or something? You don’t look well.”
“Why are you singing that song?” I ask him.
His blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight. “What kind of question is that?”
I shrug, and then I grab his forearm. “An easy one.”
“Well, uh, I guess because it was my ex-girlfriend’s favorite song. Just felt like singing it today, really. You don’t like it?”
Taking a deep breath, I let go of him.
I let go of everything, of this grudge I’ve been keeping for so long that it’s burned a whole in my heart.
Maybe my mom is just a mixed-up person trying to do the best she can too.
I could go on feeling like this forever. I could tell myself I’ll forgive her tomorrow, that I’ll get my mind clear tomorrow.
But when tomorrow gets here, it’s today.
Tomorrow never comes.
My feelings of conflict fall away, and my heart fills with warmth, love, and harmony.
Harmony.
I picture her warm, kind face framed by long brown hair. The way her cheeks and eyes participate in her smile. Harmony is a being who knows nothing else in her heart except to love. From the start, that’s all she’s offered me. She didn’t ask for any conditions. She just beamed and loved.
Holy shit. Do I love Harm too?
Do I love her already?
Isn’t a month too little time to fall in love with a person?
Adrenaline rejuvenates me.
Fuck the rules. Fuck how long something “should” take.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a twenty and put it into blondie’s tip jar.
“That’s a good song. A Harmony Lane original,” I say, and then I take off walking toward my mom’s house. The dark becomes light in my eyes.
Chaos becomes reason.
I can keep being bitter, but where is that going to get me?
Plus, as fucked up as the last few years have been, if I didn’t go through them, I would have never met Harmony.
And last but not least, fuck my bullshit upbringing that keeps me stingy with my love.
Arriving at my mom’s place, I hammer on the door.
She opens it.