So that’s Keith. And that’s his story. And because he was so tormented, I gave him Maia. Maia who has a fire and spirit like no other female heroine I’ve written before. Did she make some mistakes? Don’t we all. But her grit and determination are what I loved most about her. It’s why I couldn’t really break them apart in the end. Their journey was too hard won, especially for Keith.
I labored over her father and Carvalo. I debated having more drama with that, but in the end, I just didn’t think it was necessary. Keith and Maia’s journey was the story. Her father and Carvalo were background music and that’s where I wanted them to stay.
Okay, enough rambling. I want to thank my amazing betas Danielle and Patricia who helped to make this story as incredible as it is (at least I think it is). Thank you to my husband, my girls, and my family. You are my eternal support system and I love you fiercely and endlessly. And to you, the readers. You are who I do this for. You are my reason for it all.
XO
Julie (J. Saman)
Love to Hate Her
Viola
* * *
The air is hazy, thick with the cloying scent of weed as I meander my way through the throngs of people laughing, smoking, and generally having a great time. I don’t belong here. At least that’s how it feels. Especially since I have a sneaking suspicion what I’m about to discover.
“Hey, Vi,” Henry, the bassist for the band, calls out to me with shock etched across his face as he grabs my arm and tugs me in for a bear hug. His tone is an infuriating concoction of surprise, delight, and panic. “What brings you out here?”
I’m tempted to laugh at that question, though it’s far from funny. As such, it forces a frown instead of a smile. It really should be obvious. But maybe it’s not anymore, and that only solidifies my resolve that I’m doing the right thing tonight.
Even if it sucks.
“I’m looking for Gus,” I reply smoothly without even a hint of emotion, and his grin drops a notch.
Knowing that my boyfriend of four years is cheating on me should resemble something along the lines of being repeatedly stabbed in the back. Or heart. It should feel like death is imminent as the truth skewers my faith in men, my sense of self-worth, and my overall confidence into tiny bite-sized pieces of flesh. I should be a sniveling, slobbering mess of heartbreak. I should be nuclear-level pissed while simultaneously seeking and plotting a dramatic scene and meaningless revenge.
That’s how it always goes for girls like me versus guys like Gus. And maybe I am just a touch of all those things. But right now, I just want to get this over with and go home.
“He’s umm…,” Henry’s voice trails off as he makes a show of scanning the room as if he’s genuinely trying to locate Gus amongst the revelry. My bet? He knows exactly where Gus is and is attempting to buy him and his current lady of the minute some time.
“It’s cool,” I say, plastering on a bright smile that I do not feel. “I’ll find him.”
Because when you’ve been friends with someone your entire life, in a relationship with them for the last four years, you don’t expect them to betray you. You expect loyalty and honesty and respect. You expect fucking respect, Gus! Gus cheating and lying about it is none of those things.
“I can find him!” Henry jumps in quickly. “I’d probably have a better shot of locating him in here than you will. Ya know, cuz I’m taller so I can see around the crowds better. Do you want a drink or something? Why don’t you go make yourself a drink while I look for him?”
I shake my head and step back when he moves to grasp my shoulder.
Henry pivots to face me fully, a half-empty bottle of Cuervo in his hand, his eyes red-rimmed and glassy. He crumples, his shoulders sagging forward.
“It’s not what you think, Vi. It’s not. It’s just…” He waves his free hand around the room as if this should explain everything. Sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll. This room is the horror show definition of that cliché.
I don’t begrudge Gus or his bandmates success. I’m sublimely thrilled for them that their first album is taking off the way it is. It’s been their dream–our dream–for as long as I’ve known them, and that’s forever.
Which is why I should have ended it when Gus left for L.A., and I left for college.
I knew the temptations that were headed his way. I knew women would be throwing themselves at him and that I was going to be thousands of miles away living a different life.
Does it excuse Gus’s actions? Hell no. Have I cheated on Gus once while in college? Absolutely not, and it isn’t like I haven’t had my own opportunities to do so.
But do I understand how this happened? Yeah. I do. I just held on too long.
“It was coming anyway,” I tell Henry. “But it’s nice to know he won’t be lonely.”
Yeah. That’s sarcasm. And I can’t help it, so I might as well allow the bitterness to make an entrance and take over the sadness that’s been sitting in my stomach like a bad burger you can’t digest. Especially as Gus has been adamantly denying his trysts, and Henry pretty much just confirmed them.
Henry’s like a fish out of water, and I lean in and give him a hug. I always liked Henry.
“He’s going to be so broken up about this, Vi. He loves you like crazy. Talks about you all the time.”
I pull back, tilting my head and shrugging a shoulder. “That doesn’t matter so much, though, does it? I’m at school, and he’s out here with…” Now it’s my turn to gaze about the room, my hand panning out to the side, reiterating my point. “Good luck with everything, Henry. I wish you all the success in the world. You guys deserve every good thing that’s headed your way.”
Henry scowls like I just ran over his dog as he shakes his head no at me. “You can’t end it with him. You’re a part of this. We wouldn’t be here without you. We wouldn’t be anything without you. You’re like…,” he scrunches up his nose as he thinks, “our fifth member. Our cheerleader.”
“Maybe once,” I concede, swallowing down the pain-laced nostalgia his words dredge up. The backs of my eyes burn, but I refuse to let any more tears fall over this. I cried myself out on the flight here, and now I’m done. “You guys don’t need me anymore. You have plenty of other cheerleaders.”
He opens his mouth to argue more before just as quickly closing it. “I’m sorry, Vi.”
“I can’t change it, Henry. It’s done. Stay safe, okay? And be smart,” I add.
“You too, babe. I’m gonna miss you.”
This is the moment it hits me.
I’m not just saying goodbye to my relationship with Gus, but to my friendships with these guys. To late-night band practices and weekends spent down by the lake just hanging out. I’m saying goodbye to my entire childhood, knowing that we’re all headed in different directions, and there is no middle ground with this. My throat constricts as I try to swallow, my insides twisting into knots.
Bolstering myself back up, I hold my head high.
I need to find Gus, and then I need to get out of here.
Wild Minds, the band that Gus is the second guitarist and backup singer for, opened for Cyber’s Law tonight. The Cyber’s Law. One of the hottest bands in the world. They’re also on the same label that just signed Wild Minds. This show is a big deal. This contract an even bigger one.