“Why’d you really call me, Ashley?”
Because I’m scared out of my mind and my first instinct was to call Nik but that made me even more scared so I made this mistake. Of course, I don’t say this out loud. I’m definitely not ready to tell Zachary anything about Nik yet.
“I don’t know,” I say, throwing his words back at him.
“Sure you do,” he says, throwing mine right back.
I roll my eyes and take another drink.
“You’re right. I do know. I’m scared, Zachary. I can’t stop my mind from wandering and I have no idea what I’m doing. I need to hear someone who knows me tell me that I’m not going to be a shitty mother. I need someone to tell me that…” I trail off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence. What do I want to hear? That I made a mistake but that the mistake doesn’t define me? It kind of does. I’m going to be a mother now because of a mistake I made.
I hear a door shut and some rustling in the background. Zachary says quietly, “Ashley. Listen to me, okay? I probably did a very crappy job of telling you this while we were together but you’re amazing. You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know and you’re so loving, so generous. You’re…”
“Perfect?”
He chuckles. “Damn near. Kind of made it hard for me to feel worthy of you, if I’m being honest.”
“So me being a good person made you cheat on me?” I ask, not in a snarky way, but out of genuine curiosity. Do people only cheat on the good ones and not the jerks?
“Kind of, yes.”
This right here is why I called him. Because I might dislike him for cheating on me, but if nothing else, I knew I’d get some truth out of Zachary.
“Why did you never want me to call you Zach, by the way?”
He laughs at my randomness. “My sperm donor father always called me Zach. I wasn’t going to completely change my name but I can’t stand hearing the shortened version because it reminds me of him.”
“You never told me that.”
“I never told you a lot of things,” he says, almost cryptically.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Ashley, you’re intimidating to be around. You’re so put together.”
I can’t help it, I burst out laughing. “What the heck are you talking about? I’m so far from being put together.”
He snorts. “Right. You’re so full of shit and you know it.”
Even though he can’t see me, I wrinkle my nose. “Explain to me how I’m intimidating. That doesn’t even make sense.”
“You’re… Ashley. You budget to the penny, your taxes are done within three days of when you’ve received all the paperwork, plan every detail of your day practically down to the minute, and keep your house looking spotless.” I look around the house and wonder what in the world he’s talking about. I know I didn’t make my bed this morning, there are two loads of clothes unfolded and sitting in the laundry baskets, there’s a thin layer of dust on my TV stand, and the not-so-thin layer of dust on the ceiling fan blades. “Your fridge is more organized than a five-star chef’s.” That’s not true, either. I haven’t cleaned my fridge in a month.
“I’ve never seen a car that looks like it came out of the showroom constantly. It’s never dirty inside or out.” Also not true. I haven’t vacuumed it out in a month, either.
Uh oh.
Ohhh. No.
A month seems to be the common denominator here.
The more he talks about who he believes I was, the more it makes me realize that the entire time I was with Zachary, I pretended. A lot. I put on a front. One that made me look exactly like the person he’s describing. He’s not wrong in believing that I was perfect. That’s who I wanted him to think I was and apparently I did a damn fine job of making it happen.
“I never felt like I was worthy of being in your presence.”
Well, that’s a little extreme. Right? “That’s such a load of crap. You did, too.”
“Not very often.”
“Zachary, you’re starting to make me mad.”
“Never mind the fact that you managed to do more in one day than most did in a week. Whenever we’d go out somewhere, I swear you had this glow to you that drew people in. It was impossible to compete with.”
Never mind. I wasn’t mad before. Now I’m really mad. My voice is unrecognizable when I growl, “Compete with? What the heck is that supposed to mean, Zachary?”
“Poor choice in words,” he mutters.
“Ya think?”
“But here’s the deal, that old saying, it wasn’t you, it was me? That rings very true in this case. It was exhausting being with you.”
Over the past month, I’ve felt a range of emotions ranging from frustration, confusion, and settling on anger over Zachary breaking up with me. I blamed him for everything.
“It’s not me, it’s you? That’s what you’re trying to say here?”
He sighs, frustrated with me. “So, you’re pregnant?” he asks, changing the subject.
“As it turns out, I’m not quite as perfect as I’d led you to believe. I don’t even know why I called you tonight,” I admit.
After a long pause, he asks quietly, “Are you scared?”
That’s a good question. My immediate reaction is to tell him no, and maybe that’s because I’m still trying to keep up with the appearance I held so tight to while we were dating. Red flags are going up all around me, memories flashing through my mind. They’re not exactly pleasant, either. A lot of moments in my life where I chose to pretend because I was so worried about being alone. That’s not the kind of person I want to be and I need to be better.
Instead of continuing with the lie, even a small one, I admit the truth to Zachary. “I didn’t think so, then I realized I was scared out of my mind. Right now, I’m settling firmly in the middle. It’s a comfortable place to stay, at least for a little while.”
“Nice and safe in the middle,” he agrees.
“Exactly.”
“You could even travel to denial, the better-looking cousin.”
“Oh yes, I’ve been there. Lovely place. Nice yards.”
He laughs lightly. “I’ve heard great things.”
“To answer your earlier question, I’m appropriately scared. But, I’ve already let the father know, and thankfully he took it pretty well.”
“Wow. He did?”
“Yeah, he did. He’s a pretty good guy. I’ll tell my parents tomorrow when I go there for Christmas, and I’ll call to schedule an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, too. My savings account is big enough that I’ll be able to buy what the baby needs to get started. Plus, my insurance through the dental office covers maternity care.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out. Typical Ashley. No challenge is too great for you.”
Suddenly I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. How did I become this person? The one who changed everything about themselves to keep the guy? Worse yet, it was a guy that if I really think about it, wasn’t meant for me. For one thing, if I have to change who I am just to keep him interested, then clearly it’s not a good match.