As irritating as it could be at times, she also felt sorry for her mother. She knew that she focused on silly stuff because she was lonely. The adjustment to her new life had been hard for her. Their father had lavished compliments on her, and she still dressed as if the man who’d been dead for five years now would walk through the door any moment. Every time Sara came close to losing her patience, she tried to put herself in her mother’s place. What must it be like to unexpectedly lose the man you’d been in love with most of your adult life? How do you go from that to living alone? To feeling as if you’re special to no one? Sure, there were children and a grandchild, but that wasn’t the same. Then it hit her with the force of a lightning bolt. Chris gets it and I don’t. While she felt compassion for her mother, maybe she couldn’t understand the full spectrum of her grief because she’d never been married or really even been in love. Sure, five years seemed like a long time, but to her mother, twenty-five probably wouldn’t be enough to get over the loss of her soul mate. Yes, she needed some independence, but with the epiphany she’d had today, Sara decided to let it go—all of it. Instead, she opted for the complete opposite response. “You look nice today, Mom. But then again, you always do,” she said sincerely.
Her mother froze, with her coffee cup halfway to her mouth, as if stunned by her remark. Have I really been so insensitive? It’s not her fault I gave up on my dreams; the buck stops with me. “I—thank you, Sara, that’s very sweet.” She looked down at the table for a long moment. When she glanced up again, her eyes were suspiciously moist. Crap, why hadn’t I kept my big mouth shut? “Can you mail those on your way out?” she asked, pointing toward the nearby envelopes. “I’m meeting my friends for lunch soon, and you know how I feel about being rushed. It ruins my day.” She looked at her watch and clicked her tongue. “Speaking of, shouldn’t you be on your way to get Kaylee? What if you get held up in traffic? I don’t want my granddaughter standing in front of the school waiting after the others have gone. That reflects poorly on the entire family, don’t you think?” Had I imagined those tears? Surely I must have, because emotional mom, if she was ever there, has changed places with disapproving mom. In a strange, and yes, dysfunctional way, she knew how to deal with that version of her mother better since it was the one she got most often.
“Sure, Mom, I’ll take care of it,” she said as she began gathering her things. She’d been keeping up with the time and knew she would easily get there ten minutes early, as she always did. Kaylee had never been picked up late, no matter how many times Sara had been forced to juggle things that Nicole or Chris threw her way at the last moment. They seemed to have total faith in her ability to multitask, even if her mother didn’t. Either that, or they just don’t concern themselves with anything other than their needs. That last catty thought was unfair and she instantly felt petty. A fact that she blamed on too little sleep and an overabundance of coffee. It was normal to have some less than flattering opinions of your employer, at least she hoped it was. Unfortunately in her case, they were also family, which could get complicated in the best of circumstances. And really, it was completely her fault that they tended to take advantage of her. She’d as good as condoned it by never complaining. It wasn’t likely they’d gotten the memo that she was suddenly unhappy with a big chunk of her life. Be the change you want to see. That might not be the exact wording, but she’d read something along those lines before. She talked for another moment, then gave her mother a hug. By the time she’d said good-bye, the other woman was actually rolling her eyes and making no pretense of hiding her exasperation at Sara’s lack of urgency. Just once it would be nice to be recognized for the good job I do with Kaylee instead of being second-guessed constantly. And therein lay the problem. No one recognizes my needs. No one cares about my needs.
Sara wanted to check her e-mail before she left the driveway, but she figured her mother would come outside to see what the holdup was. So she waited until she got to the school. Luckily, she had fifteen minutes to spare, so she quickly scanned her new mail and felt that usual leap of excitement at seeing his name there. Gabe Randall, is it possible I’ve gotten addicted to you? A quick glance showed this message to be longer than his usual ones, which thrilled her even more.
Sara:
Nothing wrong with being an introvert. You already know by now that I don’t use ten words when two will do. I could blame it on the military, but it’s just me. Everyone has their part to play in the game of life. If we were all the same, where would that leave us? I like the image you present of doing the voices with your niece. And every kid is probably embarrassed by adults at some point. It’s those times they’ll remember when they’re older, and not the serious stuff.
Right now, I’m in my office. I’m dirty and tired from traveling today. Looking forward to bed and a few hours of sleep to recharge. I like your e-mails too.
Talk soon,
Gabe
Giddy. She was ridiculously breathy, giddy from his letter. When she’d written that she looked forward to hearing from him, she hadn’t believed he’d return the sentiment, yet he had. And he even included a closing this time. Talk soon. In the pen pal world, that was as good as a promise to write again. Of course, this made her even more curious about him. And it seemed that when she opened up, he did as well, albeit on a smaller scale—but still, the proof was there before her. She wanted nothing more than to reply immediately, but Kaylee was getting in the car now, and she wouldn’t have a chance until they got home. Sara loved this time with Kaylee, so no new friendship with a soldier would interfere with that.
It was difficult, but she put Gabe firmly on the back burner while she talked with her niece about her day. Hearing her animated conversation never failed to make her smile. She loved her so much. “And Billy told Abby she got cooties, and made her cry. So I stepped on his foot, but he didn’t cry. That’s why I’m not on green today, Sarie. When you step on someone’s toes, even if they’re mean, you’re going straight to yellow.”
She couldn’t help it—the matter-of-fact explanation of her drop in the behavioral chart had Sara laughing out loud. She hadn’t been able to imagine such a system would work at keeping rambunctious kindergartners in line, but Kaylee was almost obsessed with staying on the good color. That was why she didn’t feel the need to scold her for the slip today. It was rare that she received anything other than praise from her teacher, and she was proud of the little girl for defending her friend. “I can see how that would happen.” She nodded. “But I’m sure you’ll be back on track tomorrow. Hey, look, kiddo,” she said, drawing her attention to where snowflakes were hitting the windshield. “We need to stop at the store and stock up. It might be a few days before we’re out again. I’m sure your mom will be working longer hours handling the weather updates as well.” It was rare that they had snow in the spring, but it had been a weird winter. The unusually cold temperatures, along with record rainfall, had combined for more of the white stuff than they’d had in years. She was so ready for summer.