The one good thing about deploying so often was that he’d managed to put away a tidy nest egg for the future. Right now, he was renting a cabin away from the hustle and bustle of Anchorage, but if he moved there permanently, he’d be looking to build exactly what he wanted. He’d never given much thought to sharing that vision with someone else, but in such a short amount of time, she’d made him consider an alternate ending to the solitary one he’d imagined. It wasn’t that he was dead set on being a lifelong bachelor; he just hadn’t seen the need to ponder an alternative lifestyle—until now. He was very much a “cross that bridge when you come to it” kind of man. Dealing in the here and now, or situational control, as the Army referred to it. I sound like a brochure for the freaking military.
A loud yawn escaped him as his eyes began to blur. Ready or not, his body was shutting down for a while. The last thing on his mind as he drifted off into an exhausted slumber was the beautiful woman from the picture. Only in his dreams, she was laughing by his side instead of with the little girl.
* * *
• • •
“Why in God’s earth did I send him my picture? Temporary insanity, that’s all I can come up with. We had a good thing going, but now it’s just the sounds of silence. I scared him away,” Sara muttered before taking a sip from her glass of wine. When Chloe had called and invited herself over, Sara had been more than happy to welcome her. With Nicole sleeping at the station and Chris still out of town, she was desperate for a distraction. Normally she would have taken Kaylee somewhere, but the icy roads made traveling too risky. Chloe’s neighbor had offered to drop her off on his way to work, and obviously she was bored enough to take him up on it. So now they sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the fireplace in lounge pants and T-shirts, having their version of an adult pajama party. When Kaylee had gone to bed, Chloe had brought out the bottle of wine she’d brought along with her.
“Let me see it,” Chloe mumbled around a chip she’d just pushed into her mouth. When Sara didn’t respond, Chloe made a grabbing motion with her hand. “If you want my honest opinion, then show me the damn thing.”
Reluctantly, she scrolled through her camera roll until she located the image she’d sent Gabe. She studied it for a moment before handing it to her cousin. Granted, it was no glamour shot, but she didn’t think it was that bad. If Gabe was so picky and critical of a woman’s appearance, then screw him. The last thing she needed in her life was someone else making her feel bad about herself. I’ve got a family to do that, Randall.
“Are you kidding me?” Chloe asked, sounding baffled. Well, damn, even she thinks it sucks. Why didn’t I ask her opinion before I sent it? “Sara, this is an amazing photo. Probably the best one of you I’ve ever seen. You should use it as your profile picture on Facebook.” Wait—was that sarcasm? But even as that thought occurred to her she discounted it, because there was nothing but sincerity in Chloe’s tone. “I have no clue why you haven’t heard back from him, but I can promise you that there is nothing at all wrong with that picture. Remember when I read the e-mail you sent to him and I said it sparkled?” Sara nodded slowly, feeling herself beginning to relax. “Well, this image was made to go with that letter. It picks up on everything that I pointed out to you and more. This says without words that you’re vibrant, funny, loving, and a flipping knockout.”
Sara could feel the heat rushing into her face at Chloe’s comments. She almost seems to envy . . . me. That can’t be possible. She has it all. “Please—look at that piece of hair sticking up on the side of my head. And I’m so pale, I nearly blend in with the snow.” Sara cringed in embarrassment.
Instead of laughing along with her, Chloe shook her head. “Why do you always do that? Whenever someone pays you a compliment, you immediately draw their attention to what you consider a negative. And it’s not just with me either. I’ve heard you do the same thing at family gatherings.” Chloe held up her hand, as if knowing what she was going to say. “I’m not talking about the reunion. I think Aunt Lydia took center stage with the spinster thing. Even you couldn’t top her there.” She leaned over and placed a hand on Sara’s arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Seriously, though, I’m not saying it to be mean. Quite the opposite. We all have built-in protection mechanisms, and that’s yours. Insulting yourself before anyone else can do it. But here’s the thing—the majority of people were never going to hurt you in the first place. And the ones who would are assholes and their opinion doesn’t matter.”
Although she was embarrassed to have her cousin pick up on something she’d done for so long that it was almost second nature to her, she couldn’t deny that it was an ugly habit. She did it partly because having attention focused on herself made her uncomfortable, but she had to face that fact that her low self-esteem played a role as well. Never let them see you sweat. Or, in her case, never let them hurt you when you can do it yourself. Sara ran a hand through her hair self-consciously. “You’re absolutely right. I once worked with a lady who did the same thing. Funny thing is, I’d never noticed any of the things she brought to my attention. But after that, I couldn’t stop seeing them.”
“Yep, precisely.” Chloe nodded. “She retrained your brain. It’s why you never tell a guy what size you wear. Because chances are they think you’re way smaller until you toss out something that contains the word ‘large.’ After that, when they look at your ass, yeah . . . big.”
Sara giggled; she couldn’t help it. And it seemed to be contagious because, seconds later, Chloe joined in, and soon they were leaning against each other laughing hysterically. In the midst of it all, she couldn’t help thinking how much she’d missed having a close friend. Someone to share moments like these with. Not only had she given up dating, but she’d pushed aside most of her relationships. She’d read once that it was often those who thought so little of themselves that willingly marooned themselves on their own island of self-loathing. Was that me? To not know that my cousin thinks highly of me and thinks I’m pretty? Sara almost felt ashamed that she’d sunk so low that she not only expected criticism but possibly condoned it by not answering back. Built-in protection mechanisms. Mine were walls. Was Chloe right? This says without words that you’re vibrant, funny, loving, and a flipping knockout. Was that how other people—those not in the asshole territory—saw her?
When she thought hard about it, she couldn’t even remember when this behavior started, but clearly it wasn’t the way to continue living life. Vibrant. Funny. Loving.
Unfortunately, while she’d remained in limbo, the world had continued on without her; she hadn’t joined in as part of it. That has to change. Both Gabe and Chloe had shown her what she was missing. Having a boyfriend, someone she connected with like Gabe, would be great . . . but what she wanted most of all was simply a life of her own. And only she could make that happen.