“It’s not the watching part,” I try to tell him and then shake my head. My hair slides against the pillow and I struggle to speak, but somehow I do. “It just hurts.”
“I’m sorry.” He says the same words as before, but the pain is so much more real now as he turns over slightly and puts his hand on mine.
“Do you want me?” he asks me and then adds, “Do you want to come home with me? I’ll make it better. I swear I will.”
He squeezes my hand and I don’t know what to say. I just want everything to feel better and to not hate myself for running back to him.
“I don’t want you to come with me because you’re lost or lonely or scared. If you want me, I want you. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. I tried and when I finally let go of you, there was nothing left of me.”
My heart aches for him and for me. I know exactly how he feels. Tears prick my eyes and I can hardly breathe.
I can’t answer him, so instead I tell him what I’d planned on saying when I was ready to say goodbye.
My words come out in shuddered breaths. “If you’d come to me back then, I would have let you in. Instead of watching me in pain, I would have loved you for being there for me and I would have been there for you too.”
“You’re blind to how you were back then. You may have had feelings for me. But you loved him.”
“I loved you too though.” My voice cracks as I protest and I heave in a breath.
“You wouldn’t if you knew the truth. It was my fault-”
I cut him off, pressing my finger to his lips to silence him. “I’m done with the past, Daniel. I don’t need to know every horrible thing you once did. I only wanted you to know that I would have let you in.” I almost add, just like I am now. I can feel myself falling back to him after nearly losing him. After almost seeing him die. There’s no way I can let him go again.
Something lifts in my chest. A lightness that gives me more room to breathe. It’s the truth, and knowing that makes me feel anything but weak.
He pauses, considering what I’ve said and looks past me at the window to the bedroom before speaking again. “You think you would have, but I couldn’t take the chance that you’d turn me away. I never had a chance, Addison. Even after he was gone you still loved him, and I hated myself for even thinking about taking his place in your heart. I don’t care anymore. I already hate myself, but at least I can have you. I can love you better than anyone else.”
He swallows thickly and adds, “I can promise you that.”
“Love is a strong word.” I’m still afraid to tell him I love him. I don’t want him to die. More than anything else, I can’t lose him. I know deep down inside, I love Daniel Cross and always have.
“It’s the right word for what we have, but we can pretend to go slow?” he questions as if I’ve already forgiven him. As if I’ve agreed to go back home with him.
“So you think I’m yours again?” I ask him as I wipe under my eyes and sniffle. “Just like that?”
He holds my gaze as he tells me, “You’ve always been mine.”
And I don’t have any words for him in return.
It’s true.
Daniel says that he’s the one who never had a chance back then.
But the truth is Tyler never did.
I was always Daniel’s and I don’t think I had it in me to say that out loud. Because I don’t know if Tyler could have ever forgiven me if he knew.
Daniel leans closer to me with the intent to kiss me. But just before he can cup the back of my head, he winces in pain.
“Shit,” the word leaves my lips quickly and I hover over him. “For the love of God, lie down and rest.” I pull up the sheets to check on the wound, but it looks the same.
“No, I need to kiss you,” he says softly and when my eyes meet his, he smiles weakly and pleadingly.
“I need to kiss you too,” I whisper and tears prick my eyes.
I lean down to press my lips to his. I mean it to be soft and sweet, but it deepens instantly and naturally. One of his hands cradles the back of my head, his fingers spearing through my hair. The other grips onto my hip, holding me there as his tongue sweeps over mine and his hot breath mingles with mine.
My body heats, feeling completely at home in his embrace.
“I need you,” he whispers against my lips with his eyes closed. My pussy clenches at his words and it’s then that I feel his erection against my thigh. The agony breaks and I wipe under my eyes.
“You’re hurt,” I tell him as I weakly shake my head and cup his strong jaw in my hand.
“Doesn’t matter, I’ll always need you. Always want you.”
My heart pounds and pounds again. Recognizing how true it is, because it’s the same for me.
“I love you,” I say the words in a whisper even though they frighten me. “I can’t lose you.”
“I love you more,” he tells me and I lean down to kiss him again and shut him up before he makes that pain in my heart grow even more.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Tyler
FIVE YEARS AGO
I feel so fucking stupid.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
It took him texting me where she is for me to realize it.
Daniel’s in love with Addison.
And she’s in love with him.
It all makes sense now.
I check the map on my phone to make sure I’m going the right way, although every step makes my heart hurt more.
He doesn’t know that I know. Neither does she, but I can do them both a favor and tell them.
I want to kiss her one last time though.
I know it’s wrong. But it’s just a goodbye kiss. Something to remember her by. Something to let her know that it’s okay. That I’m okay with her loving him. I just want her to be happy. She needs it more than anyone. I can see it in her eyes.
My throat feels tight as I walk past Fourth Street. The rain starts coming down harder and it feels fitting.
I pull up my hoodie around my head and listen to my sneakers squeak on the sidewalk as I make my way closer to heartbreak.
I thought her telling me that she couldn’t be with me anymore was the worst thing I’d ever feel.
But knowing she loves my brother and wants him more than she wants me? Fuck, it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.
My phone vibrates and I look down to see a text from Daniel. She’s gone into the corner store now and Daniel said it looks like she’s been crying. She’s been doing it at school too. But she won’t let me near her this time. She won’t let me comfort her when she needs it so badly.
This isn’t the first time she’s dumped me. My brothers don’t know because I’m too ashamed to tell them.
But each time she did, I’d find her crying somewhere and she’d let me hold her to make it feel better.
I just loved her, hoping she loved me back. And I know some part of her does. But I never thought she didn’t love me fully because there was someone else.
I thought it was just the way she is. That she just pushes people away and that I would have to handle her more gently. I should have known by the way she avoided Daniel and the way he asked about her.