“Come sit,” she tells me while also reaching for my shirt. “Sit down,” she commands again. Her hands are shaking and her voice trembles, but she’s trying to be strong.
I reach out and grab her hand to stop her. My blood smears on her soft skin. “I’m fine,” I say to try to comfort her.
Addison shakes her head with tears in her eyes. “Sit down and let me take care of you.” She swallows her tears back and adds, “If you won’t go to the hospital, it’s the least you can do.”
A breath leaves me and makes me feel weak.
Another and my hand releases hers, but she doesn’t look at it. She doesn’t even wipe the blood away; she’s still searching my eyes for approval.
Nodding, I take a step back and push the chair at the kitchen island far back enough to sit.
I watch her face the entire time she helps me pull my shirt off. She cares about me still. I know she does. She’ll forgive me.
“Didn’t you say you’d hate me forever?” I ask her. Maybe I’m delirious. I don’t know why I push her.
“I said I’d never forgive you,” she tells me flatly and doesn’t look me in the eyes. Instead she pulls the wad of paper towels away, which are mostly soaked with blood and she quickly balls up more and presses against the wound.
“But you came down to see me,” I say without thinking. “It had to mean something.” The hope in my chest falters with her silence.
And when she does speak, its light dims.
“It means I was ready to say goodbye.”
“I don’t believe you,” I tell her without hesitation and she looks up at me teary eyed.
“Don’t cry,” I command weakly. “I didn’t want to upset you.”
She sucks in a breath and blinks the tears away, but pain is clearly written on her face.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as she wipes the tears from her eyes. “I didn’t mean for this-”
“Oh, shut up. You couldn’t have known that this …” her voice breaks before she can finish and she closes her eyes and struggles to calm her breathing.
“It’s fine, Addison,” I try to reassure her, reaching out even though it sends a lance of pain through my chest. I run my hand down her arm and then pull her in closer, positioning her between my legs.
“It’s okay,” I whisper into her hair and then plant a small kiss on her temple as I hear sirens outside. She opens her eyes and looks to the far side of her living room, where the alley is just below.
“They may knock, but you don’t have to answer,” I tell her softly, and she only nods once, her eyes never moving.
“I’m sorry. I can’t say goodbye to you,” I tell her as I wish I hadn’t ever come back to the bar. I wish I hadn’t brought this on her. She doesn’t know. I’m sure she thinks it was a random mugging or attempted rape. She has no idea. But I know there’s no way it’s a coincidence.
“I wish I could say goodbye to you again. I wish I could tell you I’ll let you go, because it really is what a good man would do.”
“Here you go with words about good and bad men when you don’t even know the difference.” Addison’s tone is flat but there’s the hint of a smile waiting for me. I can feel it.
“Thank you for taking care of me,” I speak as she pulls the wad of paper towels away and there’s less blood. I try to take a deep breath, but it hurts and I wince.
“Let me clean and bandage you,” she says although I’m not sure she really wants a response. I swallow thickly and let her work. She can do whatever she wants to me, since I’m just grateful that she’s here for me.
I don’t deserve her. I know I don’t. And that’s all I can think about as she tapes the sterile gauze in place. Even as she poured rubbing alcohol over my wound I barely felt a thing.
“I need you to go lie down.” Addison speaks with authority although she looks like a beautiful mess herself.
The desperate need for sleep begs me to listen to her, although Carter is expecting me. He knows I’m coming.
As if reading my mind Addison says, “It can wait. You can’t drive right now anyway.”
“Will you lie down with me?” I would give anything to feel her soft body next to mine and hold her right now. The thought sends a warmth through me, but it vanishes when I look up.
Her sad eyes meet mine with something they haven’t before. Regret, maybe? Or denial? I’m not sure, but I’m certain she’s going to tell me no.
“Please,” I add and my voice trembles. “Even if it’s only a little while?”
She’s reluctant to nod, but she does and my throat closes with a pain that’s sure to haunt me forever.
At least I have one more night. But I know in my heart, it’s only one more night.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Addison
I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to move.
Because right now I have a man I desperately want, and it doesn’t make me weak to be with him. But when this moment is over, that’s what I’ll be. It’s not about forgiving him anymore; it’s accepting who I am if I’m with him.
I’m not sure how long we’ve been in bed, but the knocks at the door from the cops came and went. And at least hours have passed, because my eyes don’t feel so heavy, only sore.
“You’re awake.” Daniel’s deep rumble makes his chest vibrate. And it’s only then that I realize how close to him I am, how I’m curled around him and his arm is behind my back, holding me to him.
I roll over slightly, only enough so my head is on the pillow and not his chest. There are so many things to say. And so little time.
You can want a person but know they’re bad for you. That’s the person Daniel’s been for me since I’ve met him. And it’s not going to change.
Daniel lifts the sheet and checks his gunshot wound. I can only see a faint circle of blood and I try to gauge his reaction, but he doesn’t say anything.
“Are you going to be okay?” I ask him and try to swallow down my worry.
“Are you going to leave me if I say I’ll be fine?” he asks, turning his face toward me and his lips are only inches from mine.
I huff a small laugh and a trace of a smile is there for a moment, but the pain of the unknown is quick to take it away. The smile on my lips quivers and I have to take in a deep breath.
“I don’t know where we go from here.” It’s hard to tell him the truth.
I hear him swallow and then he looks up at the ceiling, rather than at me.
“I still want you,” he says in a whisper although I’m not sure he meant for it to come out that way. “I can’t let go of you,” he says and puts his gaze back on me, assessing my reaction.
I can’t explain how it feels to hear him say the only words I want to hear. I want to beg him not to let go of me because I’m so afraid to lose myself with him, but I don’t ever want to be apart.
A second passes, and then another. And I don’t know what to do or think or say. I only know time is running out.
“I’ll never stop watching you, Addison. My heart thinks you belong to me and it always has. Whether I want it, whether you want it. It doesn’t matter–I’ll always feel this need to watch over you.”