"Goddammit, Alyssa. Me. My thoughts. The way I was starting to look at you, think about you. Feel about you. Nothing about it was appropriate."
And just like that, the smoke screen was lifted and my heart soared into orbit.
"How could it not be appropriate when I thought the same things?"
"Because you're a child. I'm an adult. I should know better."
"I'm not a child."
"Yeah, well. You're not an adult, either."
"I'm in love with you, Ford. I always have been. I always will be."
He closed his eyes. "Don't say stuff like that."
"Why not? It's the truth."
"You're my best friend's little girl. I was there at the hospital the day you were born for crying out loud. Do you know how disgusting that makes me feel? I want to wash my mind out with bleach every single time I think about you. Do you know how wrong everything about this is?"
"Then I'll wait." I swallowed hard. "I'll wait until it's not wrong anymore. Hell, I'll wait for you forever."
"That's the thing, Alyssa. I don't know when it would ever be right between us."
"Then I might as well do this," I said before I leaned over the center console and kissed him.
I expected him to push me away, to start yelling about how it wasn't appropriate again. Instead, he groaned and pulled me closer to him as his tongue skated over mine.
Heat coursed through me and I reached for his belt buckle.
That's when he stopped me.
"No. You're not ready for that, yet. You deserve more than some cheap fuck in a car with some old man for your first time."
I reached for his belt again. "Okay, so let me take care of you then."
He pulled away. "No." He sighed. "Listen to me and listen good. You are beautiful and special. You're not some whore. You're a good girl, you understand me?"
I shrugged. "I thought I'd do something to make you happy. I thought you wanted me."
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I do." He looked down. "Clearly that isn't the issue here."
"So what's the problem?"
"Gee, I don't know. Where do I begin? Oh, that's right. How about the fact that what we're doing is illegal. Use your head. You got accepted into NYU, didn't you?"
"Okay, so when can we take the next step then?" He muttered something under his breath. "How about when you're old enough."
"Can we still do other stuff?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"
"Like what we were doing before? You know, kissing."
His lips twitched. "Well you can't un-ring a bell, now can you?"
He leaned in so that I was pressed against my seat. "So fucking beautiful," he whispered before his lips landed on mine.
"So does this mean you and Penelope are over?" I asked between kisses. "I'll break up with Toby first thing tomorrow."
His hand stopped moving midway up my thigh. "I can't just break up with her," he said. "I asked her to marry me. The wedding's this summer."
I pushed him off me. "You what? How could you? I thought you were in love with me?"
He exhaled sharply and adjusted himself. "I am. I just never thought this—" He gestured between us. "Would ever happen."
"Okay, and now that it has you can let her down easy."
He looked at me like I sprouted another head. "And say what? That I'm in love with my deceased partner's daughter? Who by the fucking way isn't even 18 yet."
"Maybe not in those exact words, but yeah. Something along those lines."
He shook his head. "You don't get it, do you?"
"Evidently not. Why don't you catch me up to speed, special agent," I bit out.
"No one can ever know about us. It will always be wrong, no matter how we feel about one another. I have a reputation to protect. I'm a trusted officer of the law for Pete's sake."
"But, I thought..."
"You thought wrong, sweetheart." He grabbed my face between both of his hands. "Look, if you can't handle this. Then it's best we stop right here, right now."
I swiped at the tears on my face. "I can't stand the thought of you with someone else, Ford."
"That's the way it has to be."
"I don't know if I can deal with that."
"Then after tonight, forget about us. I'll always be there if you ever really need me, but I have to separate myself from you. It's too hard to be around you. You invade my senses until the only thing I see is you."
"But I love you."
He kissed me tenderly. "And I love you. That's why it's so difficult."
I pulled him into another kiss. Our mouths coming together in a rough and needy mess. His hand slipped back down to my thigh. "Goddammit. You have no idea how much I want you. How much I've dreamed about this moment. How much I've jerked off to visions of you writhing underneath me."
"Then marry me. Not her."
His hand moved higher, raising the denim of my skirt to the level of my underwear. "I wish I could, sweetheart. Trust me."
"You can. Who cares what other people think and say. We can live in our own little bubble."
"That's not the way the world works," he grumbled.
"So let's make our own world."
"We can't. Now you can either learn to accept it or not. But I'm marrying Penelope. It's happening. Me and her make sense together."
I tried to push him off me again but he didn't budge. "Well, I don't accept it. It should be me. She'll never love you the way I do."
I didn't even realize how hard the tears were falling until Ford had stopped kissing me. "Don't you get it now? We can't be together. You can't even handle kissing me without getting hysterical."
His words lit a fury in me and before I could stop myself, I slapped him across the cheek. "Asshole."
He looked as surprised as I felt. He bit my lip and kissed me harder. "That's right. I am an asshole. And innocent little girls like you need to stay far away and stop provoking the beast."
"What if I love the beast? What if I accept him for all that he is?"
His fingers grazed over my panties. "Who does this belong to?"
I trailed kisses up his neck. "I think you know the answer to that."
"Say it, Alyssa."
"It's yours."
"Is it?"
I nodded. "You know it is."
"Even after I marry Penelope? Is it still mine then?"
"I don't want to think about that, Ford."
"Well think about it, because it's happening." He slipped a finger inside the material. "Will you still wait for me then? Will you still allow me to be the first? The only? No matter how much time has passed between us?"
I held my breath as his finger continued to stroke me. "Answer me."
"Yes. I'll wait for you."
"Promise me."
"I promise."