I look down. “But if I knew...I could have saved her life.”
“No,” she says. “And you know why? Because Lilly already knew she could go to you, Jackson. She knew how much you loved her. She knew that if she called you and said that she needed you that you would have been right there. She knew that.”
I look up. “Why didn't she?”
That's the question that will always haunt me. Why didn't she? I would have done anything for her, anything.
“Because she blamed herself for the pain,” she whispers. “Because he made her. That's what abusers do. They tear you down piece by piece and bit by bit. Until there's nothing left anymore.”
She wipes her eyes. “But make no mistake about it. None of this was her fault. It was all him.”
“I know.” I sit up and look at her. “You know a lot about this.”
She nods. “I do.”
There's a moment of silence between us before she takes out a manila folder. “It's why I asked my dad if I could take on this case.” She bites the cap of her pen nervously. “But you'd really be taking a huge risk with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“This would be my very first case by myself.”
Oh, that's what she means.
I sit back and cross my arms. “Okay, Let's say I hire you. What's the argument?”
“I don't have one.”
“Look, I didn't go to law school. And I'm not nearly as smart as Lilly was...but I do know that defense attorneys should present an argument. You know, like self-defense, insanity, or an accidental killing.”
She crosses her arms, stares me down and I immediately feel it. “He wasn't attacking you, he attacked Lilly. You're not insane. And you don't regret it, so I'm not sure that going with an accidental killing defense would be the best way to go. So, the way I see it...that only leaves me with one choice.”
“Which is?”
“Telling the truth.”
I stand up and shake her hand. “You're hired.”
She jumps to her feet. “What? Really? You mean it?”
“Yup. That's the only way I want to win this case. And I can't help but think that if it was Lilly herself defending me, she would want the same.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Jackson
Four months later, I'm sitting in a courtroom watching my lawyer, Michelle stand before the jury for her closing argument.
As far as juries go, this one is as versatile as it gets.
Out of the 12 jurors made up of my peers...six are female and six are male. They're all difference races, ages, occupations, and they all come from different backgrounds.
But only two of them have sisters.
Seven of them are only children. And the remaining three males have brothers.
Michelle told me not to let it get me down and to let her worry about that.
I turn around and look at my family. Tyrone and Ricardo's eyes find mine. They don't say a word, they just put their hands over their hearts and nod their heads. I look at Momma next. She mouths the words 'I love you,' and I mouth them back to her.
Then I scan the courtroom for Alyssa...but I can't find her.
She's been here every step of the way, so it's disheartening that she wouldn't be here today of all days.
Then it hits me. She won't be able to watch them find me guilty. Her heart won't be able to take it.
Suddenly, I'm glad she didn't come. It would put way too much emotional stress on both her and the baby. I would never forgive myself if something happened to them because of me.
I feel guilty enough for putting her in the position that she's in.
But that's the only regret I feel, still to this day. And the jury knows it because I was honest with them and told them.
Right after Michelle played the video of my confession in court.
That was the only thing that Alyssa and her fought about. Professionally, Michelle was upset because it was going to make finding potential juror's that hadn't seen or watched the video that much harder.
However, personally, she understood why Alyssa did it.
I turn back around in my seat. I don't know whether to face the jury myself or not.
Michelle's not going to like it, but I decide not to. Even though I know that she wants to get their sympathy and she wants them to witness my pain.
But I don't want to look at the jurors because I don't want them to think that I'm purposely trying to intimidate or influence them somehow. And mostly, I don't want them to lose focus on Michelle during her closing speech.
So no, I won't look at the jury. Instead, I close my eyes and feel Lilly's presence around me. I silently tell her that I love her and I tell her that no matter what happens, none of it was ever her fault...because I think she needs to hear it much more than I ever did.
That's when I hear Michelle start to speak.
“Thank you for your attention ladies and gentlemen of the jury. By now, you've formulated your own personal opinion regarding my client, Mr. Jackson Reid. I know there's nothing that I could say to sway you in either direction at this point.”
She pauses. “You also know that by now, my argument has never been about self-defense. Because let's be honest; Mr. Reid was never defending himself against his own abuser. So, I'm not going to stand here and claim self-defense for Mr. Reid. Instead, I'll claim Lilly's defense.
“I'll also educate you on some facts regarding the law. To adequately determine the justification of deadly force in defense of a person, in a court of law, one must establish the existence of two main facts, first and foremost. One—you need to determine whether or not my client's use of deadly force was necessary to defend himself or rather, Lilly. Two— you need to determine if Mr. Reid did something that a 'reasonable person' would do in his position.
“And that's where you come in, ladies and gentlemen. You watched the video, you know the facts, you've heard from Jackson Reid yourself. So, knowing what my client knew and being in the same circumstance, would you yourself have had those same beliefs that he did?”
She clears her throat. “But forget all that. I didn't even need to tell you those things in the first place. That's not my real argument, here. Because the only thing I needed to do for this case was let the prosecutor’s do their job and let you hear their arguments. The prosecution is required to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Reid was not justified in doing what he did. And just so we're clear— justified means having done something for a legitimate reason. It's an exception to committing the offense. If the prosecution has failed to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant was justified, then you the jury must find Mr. Reid not guilty.”
She takes a deep breath. “In closing, I just want to leave you with this. If Lilly was someone that you loved. And you found her beaten and murdered like Mr. Reid did. Would you feel justified doing what he did?”
The bailiffs take me away while the jury deliberates. I was told it would be anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks.
To say I was surprised to be called back as soon as I stepped foot outside the courthouse in my shackles would be an understatement.