One step to follow him. Two steps and he reaches for my hand.
I slip mine inside of his and he squeezes tight when he holds it. It’s a little thing, but he really holds my hand like he means it. And that sick feeling in my stomach feels like nothing compared to the bittersweet sensation in my heart. I’m not sure if it’s really pain or what it is.
I want more of it though.
A part of me knows it’s selfish. That part’s quiet as fallen branches crack beneath our weight and we stop at a clearing on the edge of the creek.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, staring out at the bubbling brook. It’s the softest shade of blue although it gets darker where it’s deeper.
“Like you,” he says and gives me a charming smile. When he lets go of my hand to take his jacket off and lays it on the ground, those feelings mix, and the resulting brew is something I don’t know how to handle.
But Tyler knows my secrets, and he’s seen me in those moments I wish I didn’t have. The ones where I cry and sometimes it’s hard to know what’s caused the outburst.
I swear I used to be happy. I used to be normal. But I’ll never be normal again.
Although Tyler’s jacket is laid flat, he sits next to it in the dirt and beckons me, patting the fabric and looking up at me with big puppy dog eyes. He doesn’t ask much of me, but I can’t help feeling like today may be different.
My shoulders hunch in a little as I sit down and tuck my hair behind my ear.
It takes everything in me to look at him. To look at Tyler and try to gauge his intention.
“Do you want to sleep with me?” I ask him bluntly.
He lets out a bark of a laugh and rests his forearms on his knees as he looks out onto the creek. Looking back at me he answers, “I read once, I think in a biology book, that teenage guys are horny as fuck.”
I can’t help the smile that cracks on my face at his joke. That’s the way Tyler handled anything serious. He’d just make a joke and deflect.
“Seriously though,” I say then wipe the palms of my hands on my knees instead of looking at him as I continue, “I don’t get why you keep coming out with me.”
He shrugs. “I like spending time with you,” he tells me.
“So you don’t want to get into my pants.”
“I definitely want to fuck you.”
I’m shocked by his candor. Tyler’s … careful around me. I feel like he considers each word carefully before speaking to me. Like if he says the wrong thing, I’d run. And that’s not too far from the truth.
“You haven’t tried anything … though.”
“Don’t confuse my patience for a lack of interest.” The second the words slip from him, Tyler lets out a genuine laugh. “Of all the dirty things I could say, that’s what gets you to blush?”
It’s only then that I feel the heat in my cheeks. It matches other places too.
Minutes pass with both of us taking small glances at each other, watching the sunset descend behind the forest with shades of orange and red in the clear blue sky. He even tosses a few twigs and rocks into the creek. He tries to skip them, but he’s not very good at it.
“I think you’d like it if I kissed you here.” He almost mumbles his words when he catches me staring at him. They’re spoken so low and nearly absently.
His lips brush along my neck and desire sweeps through my body unexpectedly. Both of my hands move up to his chest and I push away from his overwhelming touch with my lips parted, my breath stolen.
He blinks away the lust in his gaze and slowly a smile forms on his face. “I knew you’d like it.”
As I bite my lip, he leans forward cautiously, judging my reaction and then he does it again. His lips kiss over every part of my neck and up to the soft spot behind my ear.
And that’s why I slept with Tyler. He said and did everything that made sleeping with him feel like it was right and meant to be.
As soon as we started walking back to his truck, that sick feeling returned. And I began to think that tomorrow he’d be different. That he’d gotten what he wanted, so he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.
But I was wrong again. He held me tighter. Talked to me sweeter. And loved me harder than before.
Tyler was patient. He didn’t look at me as if I was broken, but he treated me like breaking me would be the worst sin in the world.
I could never tell him no.
Even if I still thought of his brother in ways I shouldn’t have.
You shouldn’t compare lovers.
Certainly not brothers.
It was a fantasy come alive to feel Daniel’s skin against mine. To finally know what it’s like to writhe under him.
But that’s all he can ever be. A fantasy.
One that I’m prolonging by letting the days blend together in a whirlwind of alcohol and sex. He messages me where to meet and I go. We drink. We fuck. There are no more awkward conversations of our past, but the reminder stays deep in the pit of my stomach.
I’m not stupid. Daniel’s no good. And this thing between us is merely two people giving in to a pipe dream we had long ago.
It’s all-consuming and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But the moment this cloud of lust and bliss dissipates, I’ll be left with the sobering truth.
I’ve given myself to a man who’s only ever seen me as a plaything.
I’ve slept with someone who should truly hate me for being the reason his brother is dead.
And the events I’ve allowed to occur are something that should shame me for a lifetime.
There’s no getting around those hard facts. But it’s nice to ignore them for a while and in the moments when Daniel’s with me, it feels different. It feels like nothing else exists.
And when your world is made of nothing but painful memories you’re constantly trying to outrun, it’s a relief for nothing else to exist.
Well, nothing but this flutter in my chest and this ache between my thighs. I love it. I love feeling this way even if nervousness and tiny bits of fear creep in.
It was better than I ever could have imagined. Even when I woke up alone in the morning. Even as I took the bus home with my hair a mess and still in the clothes from the night before.
A walk of shame had never felt so fucking good.
I bite down on my lip to keep the smile on my face from being too smug.
It was something I know I’ll regret, but right now all I’m going to do is love this horrible mistake.
Over and over again.
The spoon clangs against the ceramic mug as I stir in the sugar for my tea. I need caffeine badly. I’ve slept soundly for the past three days, two of them in Daniel’s bed, only to be woken up on occasion and fucked into the mattress. It feels good to be back at my apartment though, where I can rest undisturbed. He had a meet last night so I slept alone, which is a good thing. I’m too sore for any more of Daniel right now.
A smile graces my face as I lift the mug to my lips.
I blow across the top of the mug, breathing in the calming smell of the black tea and avoiding the hot steam. With my eyes closed I feel like I could go back to bed right now.
My little moment is interrupted by the sound of my phone going off. It’s a distinct noise and I know exactly who it is by the tone. It’s from an app that allows you to text people overseas for cheap. Which means it’s Rae.