Chapter Eleven
Addison
When I’m drunk, I have some odd thoughts. Some do make sense. For instance, how many shots did we have? That one seems like a logical thought, and I’m not sure of the exact answer, but at least three. Which is probably three too many but with how tense and awkward I was at the start of dinner, maybe three was just the right number.
Also, what happened to my car? I should be concerned about that. But I’m drunk, so walking seems smart. I keep my feet moving, one after the other even though I sway slightly. Only slightly though.
The thought that matters the most and the one I keep coming back to is whether or not Daniel can see how my hands keep trembling.
I’m sure the heat in my cheeks is obvious. And the butterflies in my stomach aren’t staying where they ought to. They fly up and mess with my heart. Fluttering wildly and with an anxiousness that makes it feel like they’re caged and trying to escape.
Maybe it’s normal for what I’m doing.
When you want to kiss someone who’s obviously a dick, it makes sense that your body would feel anxious and like you should run, right? Not to mention I’m sure he’s still dealing. When your family’s business is crime, you don’t exactly walk away from that life. This heated nervousness won’t leave me. I can’t stop fidgeting with my hands and I’m sure it’s ridiculous, but what else could be expected of me?
And then there’s the fact that he’s my ex’s brother. An ex who’s gone. And in many ways, it’s because of me. It should make me feel worse than I do. But in a lot of ways, it feels the same way as running has. Only this time, I’m running to Daniel. A man I’ve dreamed for so long would comfort me and tell me these feelings were alright.
Obviously, that never happened. And I’m not sure it ever will.
There’s a part of my mind that won’t stop picking at that fact. A part that wonders how Daniel can even stand to be around me. A part that wonders if he’s only toying with me. Like he’s waiting to get his revenge and tell me how he truly feels.
And that’s the part that scares me when I look up at him. I don’t care how many times he’ll tell me that no one blames me. How could they not?
I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m too afraid to stop, because I really want to find out. I’m too eager to finally know what it feels like to be wanted by him.
“You’re so nervous,” he says as if he’s amused.
“Aren’t you?”
His smile dims and he runs his hand through his hair, looking to his left at the stop sign. “Let’s go to my place.”
We’re standing on the corner of Church and Fifth and I know I just need to go six blocks and I’ll be two streets over from my apartment building … I think. There are bus stops everywhere in this college town. So even if I get lost, I could find my way back home by just hopping on a bus.
“Your place?” I question him while squinting at the signs. I’m more than a little tipsy. But everything feels so good.
“Let’s go,” he answers and then takes my hand in his, pulling me across the street even though the sign at the crosswalk is still red.
“Still a rule breaker,” I tease and I think that one is from the alcohol. I must find it funnier than he does though, because once we’re on the other side, I’m the one smiling at my little joke while he stands there. Staring at me like he’s not sure what to do with me.
“So you aren’t nervous?” I ask him, daring to broach the subject again. I don’t mind what he does to me. I crave it. And I’ll be damned if he tells me he doesn’t want me. I can see it in his eyes.
But what exactly he wants me for? That I have yet to know for sure.
A good fuck seems to be first on the list though. And I can’t argue with that.
“I don’t get nervous.”
“Everyone gets nervous.” The words slip out of my mouth and I tell him about a study my friend Rae told me about. She’s a psychology major and she told me about public speakers and how even professional public speakers’ adrenaline levels spike when they get on the stage. Everyone gets nervous. “There’s no denying it.”
“If you say so, Addison.” That’s all I get from him as the night air seems to get colder and I shiver. That’s when I notice he’s still holding my hand.
“This doesn’t make you nervous? It doesn’t make you question if … if we should be doing this?” I lift up our clasped hands and he lets me, but he doesn’t stop walking.
“Why shouldn’t we?” he responds, but I hear the hard edge in his voice. He knows.
“There are so many reasons,” I tell him and look straight ahead.
“Can I tell you a secret?” he whispers and the way he does it makes me giggle. A silly little girl giggle that would embarrass me if I wasn’t on the left side of tipsy.
“Anything,” I breathe.
“I was jealous that Tyler got to have you.”
I nearly stumble and my smile slips. That erratic beating in my chest makes me want to reach up and pound on my heart to knock it off.
He continues once I get my footing back. “You were too young and Tyler got to you first.”
I walk with my lips parted, but not knowing what to say or do.
Daniel’s arm moves to my waist as his steps slow and I look up to see a row of houses. Cute little houses a few blocks from the university campus. They’re the type of houses that come equipped with white picket fences and for the second time in fifteen minutes, I nearly trip.
“How drunk are you?” Daniel questions with a serious tone.
“Sorry, not that drunk,” I answer him as we walk up the paved drive to the front door of a cute house with blue shutters. My heart won’t knock it off, but I ignore it and change the subject. “This is your place?”
“Just renting.”
I nod my head and as much as that makes sense, it’s also one less thing to question. And now I find myself on the front steps of Daniel’s place, with his hand on mine. Drunk after I’ve confessed to him how I feel.
Not the smartest thing I’ve ever done, and not the best decision I’ve made in my life.
But maybe I’ll wake up in five minutes, and this will just be another one of my dreams.
My breathing comes in pants as Daniel lets his hand travel lower down my back and I instantly heat everywhere for him. My heart pounds and my blood pressure rises. I’m almost afraid of how my body is reacting so intensely. He has to see it, but if he does, he doesn’t let on.
I don’t need Rae or a shrink or anyone to tell me I’m going to regret this. I know that already.
Maybe I can blame it on the alcohol.
Or the sudden flood of memories.
Sleep deprivation, that’s a good excuse too.
I don’t care what I blame it on. So long as it happens. I wanted him for so long, even if it was from a distance. An unrequited and forbidden lust, not love. I refuse to believe it was love.
I lost the chance long ago to have what I always wanted. There’s no way I won’t push for it now.
I watch as Daniel reaches for the doorknob but stops, dropping his hand and directing his gaze to me.