The mug hits the counter a little more aggressively than I’d like, sloshing a touch of tea on the counter as I reach for my phone.
“Shit,” I mumble under my breath, but I don’t bother with it. I need to talk to Rae.
How are you love? Miss you.
She always calls me love. She says things like cheeky and cow too. I love the diction of the United Kingdom and their accents. A very big part of me misses her and the small farm town she lives in. But it will never be home for me.
I message her back, Miss you to pieces. How’s your mom?
I wait with my eyes on the screen and my lips pursed. She doesn’t write back quickly so I busy myself with cleaning up the spill and having another sip of tea. Rae’s mom is going through some health issues. I know it’s been a pain in the ass for both of them. Or arse if it’s Rae talking about it.
Mum’s fine. Happy for now and enjoying the time off work. How have you been?
I start to text her everything from the very beginning, but then delete it. And then I try once more, but the words don’t come out quite right. Before I can even message her anything, she texts again.
I’m thinking of going back to that bar in Leeds and having another go at the boy bands there. Made me think of you.
The reminder makes me smile and spreads a sense of warmth and ease through me. Enough that I reply simply, I think I’m seeing someone. But I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.
“Seeing someone” might be a stretch. It’s just fucking. I’m smart enough to know that.
She writes back quickly this time. Spill it.
You already know him. Well, of him. It’s Daniel.
I feel a momentary pang of guilt, like I’ve betrayed him. As if saying what’s between us out loud will ruin it. Because no one else will understand.
Tyler’s brother?
I stare at her response and feel that spike of chagrin and shame I should have known was coming.
Yes.
It’s all I can write back. The mug trembles slightly in my hands, but I ignore it, taking a drink although now the heat feels different on my lips. Less soothing and less comforting. Even if it isn’t lukewarm yet.
Seeing him? she questions.
I put the mug back down and gather up the courage to try to make her understand. She knows everything. Including how I left Tyler because of what I felt for Daniel. What I thought was one-sided and an indication of how awful a person I was. All I had to do was love Tyler back. Instead I ruined what we were over dirty thoughts I couldn’t stop.
We ran into each other. And I told him how I felt about him.
A moment passes, and then another. And that feeling in my gut and heart keeps at it. Twisting and squeezing until I feel wrung out. I wish I could say I don’t care what she thinks about this. But she’s the only person I have left. I’m careful not to get too close to anyone. Everyone I love dies. So it’s best I don’t let people in. Rae is the only exception.
How do you feel about it?
I let out a single chuckle, like a breath of a laugh at her response. I text back, You sound like a shrink.
You sound like you might need one.
Her response makes the small bit of relief wash away. Maybe I do.
I just worry about you, she texts me and then adds, I know it has to bring back memories and other unpleasant things.
It does. But it also feels like a relief in a way. And so much more than that.
Are you dating? she asks.
I roll my eyes at that question. She knows better. I don’t date.
She sends back an emoji rolling its eyes and a genuine snicker leaves me.
Just take care of yourself, will you?
She’s a good friend and I know better than to think she’d be anything other than concerned.
You burst my bubble, I tell her and I really mean it.
FIVE YEARS AGO
Tyler’s lips slip down to the crook of my neck. He knows just the spot that makes me wet for him.
My palms push against his chest and the motion makes my body sink deeper into the mattress beneath him.
“Spread your legs.” He gives the command against my skin, making me hotter … needier. But my eyes dart to the door and then back to him.
“But your brothers,” I whisper as if my words are a secret.
Tyler pulls away, breathless and panting with need. He always makes love to me wildly. Like it’s all he needs. Each time is quick, but he takes care of me first. I bite down on my bottom lip as he hovers over me and then looks over his shoulder at the door.
“They don’t care,” he tells me and I can only swallow the lump in my throat.
One brother cares. I know he does. He looks at me like I’m a whore whenever I stay over here. And I haven’t even slept with Tyler under the Cross roof yet.
“I don’t want them to think I’m staying over just so we can have sex.”
“They don’t think that.” Tyler smiles and brushes the hair from my face as I pull the covers up closer around me. I still have my nightgown on; Tyler’s just pulled the fabric up around my waist.
“What if they think I’m using you so I don’t have to go back home? Like I’m spreading my legs just so I can have a place to stay.” I heard a girl say that at school a week ago and the thought hasn’t left me. It’s true I don’t want to go back. But I’m not a whore either.
“I have to fucking beg you to stay here, Addie. They can hear that. They know that. And we’ve been dating for how long now?”
Almost six months to the day he first tapped on my shoulder in science class.
The uneasiness still doesn’t leave me and I stare at the door until Tyler’s hand cups my chin.
“We can be quiet,” he whispers and lowers his lips to mine.
My eyes close and I let myself feel his warmth and comfort.
“Just kiss me,” he tells me as he slips his hand between my legs, parting my thighs for him.
I keep my eyes shut and try to be quiet. My muffled moans carried through the walls though and so did the unmistakable sounds and steady rhythm of Tyler fucking me.
I know because of the way Daniel looked at me late that night when I snuck into the hall to use the bathroom.
My hand was on the doorknob when he opened his bedroom door. Caught in his heated gaze, I couldn’t move; I couldn’t breathe. He let his stare trail down my nightgown before looking back into my eyes.
I’ll never forget the way my body heated for him and how my heart pounded. I thought he was going to punish me, to pin me against the wall and make me scream. That’s the way he would have fucked me. The kind of sex where you can’t keep quiet.
Instead of doing or saying anything, Daniel turned around, going straight back into his room.
I sat in the bathroom for the longest time, feeling like the worst thing in the world. Like a whore and a fraud and an ungrateful bitch.
I snuck out in my nightgown, with my clothes clenched into a ball in my hand and drove home as quickly as I could.
I didn’t go back to the Cross house for weeks. And the next time I let Tyler fuck me in his bed, I wasn’t quiet about anything.
Chapter Fourteen
Daniel
It’s cute how she keeps looking at me like she’s waiting for me to walk away. Like how yesterday she was surprised that I told her to come over. I’ll never forget the shy look on her face. How her eyes scanned mine and she was hesitant to come back in.