Every word he says makes my heart feel tighter.
“I watched you for days before finally breaking myself away from you to call Carter and tell him I wasn’t coming back. I’d decided to spend my time doing one thing.” The heat in his eyes intensifies at the memory and his gaze feels like fire against my skin. “Watching you.”
“You stalked me?” I ask him although the words stumble over each other and barely come out as a croak. I can’t deny the fear that begs my body to run, but I’m frozen where I am, waiting for his confession to release me.
“I watched you because I needed to. You blamed yourself and your pain was so raw and genuine. So full of everything that I didn’t have. Of course I hated every bit of who I was because Tyler had to die, while God chose to let me live. I wanted to cry and mourn like you did. A very large part of me wanted you to cry harder as you hugged your pillow to your chest in the dark. Some nights you couldn’t even stand long enough to make it to the bed.”
He cocks his head as he looks me in the eye and asks, “Do you remember how you’d sleep on the floor even when the bed was so close?” His last words come out as a whisper and I can’t answer. I can hardly breathe as tears leak from my eyes.
“I thought about picking you up and putting you in the comfort of your sheets-”
“You came in?” I cut him off and suck in a deep breath. “You broke in to my room?”
“Addison, I couldn’t be away from you.” His admission elicits a very real fear that makes my body tremble as I shy away from him. Scooting farther away on the sofa, but not quite able to run.
“Not until you started getting better,” he adds and then stands up. I cling to the cushion, cowering under him and backing away when he tries to touch me.
The tears fall freely as the extent of my fears from so long ago is realized. I swear I heard things. I heard someone walking in my room in the darkness. I swear I felt eyes on me. “I thought it was him,” I cry out and cover my burning face. I thought Tyler was with me for so long. And it took me years to think that it wasn’t because he wished me harm. I thought he hated me and wanted me to be scared. And then I loathed myself that much more for thinking so poorly of such a good soul.
“I needed to watch you, Addison. I’m sorry.”
I stand up quickly, and I’m close to him. So close I nearly smack the top of my head against his chin as I stand. “I need to get away from you,” I sputter, crossing my arms over my chest and walking around the sofa although I have no idea how I can even breathe, let alone speak and move.
I can barely see where I’m going, but I know where the door is.
Gripping the handle, I swing it open and face him. My legs are weak and I feel like I’m going to throw up. He made me crazy. It was him all along.
“I never did anything to hurt you, Addison, and I didn’t want to.” Daniel speaks calmly, the other side of him starting to emerge. The side that’s okay with Daniel dropping his defenses. The vulnerable side that wants me to understand and isn’t pushing me away. But that’s exactly what I need to do right now. I need to shove him far away.
“I want you to leave,” I tell him and sniffle, swiping under my eyes aggressively, willing the tears to stop. I’m shaking. Physically shaking.
“You need to go,” I tell him because it’s the only truth I know. My mind is a chaotic storm and everything I’d been keeping at bay, all the fear and sorrow are screaming at me until I can’t hear anything. I can’t make out anything. The exception being the man standing right in front of me who’s the cause of my pain.
“Who did you think I was, Addison?” he asks me as if this is my fault.
And maybe part of it is.
“You knew I wasn’t a good man back then, and you know that now.”
“Get out.” They’re the only words I can say.
“It was years ago.”
“I said get out!” I scream at him, but he only gets closer to me until I shove him away. He can’t hold me and make this right.
“You stalked me.” I can barely get the words out. I’m in disbelief and terrified, although I’m not sure which reaction is winning.
“You had hope,” he says back hard as if it justifies everything. “You had happiness. You had everything I wanted. You were everything I wanted. You can hate me for it, but you can’t deny that. It’s the truth.”
“I want you to leave.”
“Please don’t make me leave,” he tells me as if it’s only just now getting through to him. He looks at the open doorway and then back at me. The hall is empty and cold and a draft comes in, making me shudder.
“Get. Out.” I can’t look at him as he stares at me, waiting for me to say something else.
“Addison-”
“Out!” I yell as loud as I can. So hard my throat screams with pain and my heart hurts.
Even over my rushing blood I hear each of his footsteps as he walks away from me.
“You said you wouldn’t leave me,” Daniel grits between his teeth as he stands on the threshold of my door.
The words leave me as I slam the door shut in his face. “I lied.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Daniel
The heavy pit in my stomach is why I don’t give people a damn piece of myself. That sick feeling that I swear is never going to go away is why I play it close to the vest.
I thought she was different.
I close my eyes, swallowing although my throat is tight and listening to the busy traffic on Lincoln Street. I’m close to the address Marcus gave me. Close to being done with this town and having no reason to stay.
It’s only when the street quiets that I open my eyes and force myself to move forward. Going through with the motions.
She is different. She does know better. She knows who and what I am.
She just doesn’t want to accept it.
And how can I really blame her? I don’t want to accept it either. I didn’t even get to tell her all of the truth. I didn’t get to take her pain away from thinking she’s to blame.
And that makes everything that much harder to swallow.
Passing a corner liquor store, I make sure I track the movements of the few people scattered around me. I keep to myself, heading south down the street. It’s late and only the moon and streetlights illuminate the road ahead of me. But dark is good when you don’t want to be seen.
I try to focus, but with the quiet of the night, I can’t help but to think of Addison. She’s always comforted me in the darkness.
I finally had her. Really had her. I felt what I always knew there could be between us. And I let her get away. I lost her by confessing.
Maybe that’s why it hurts this fucking bad. She loved who I am, but hates what I’ve done. And there’s no way I can take it back.
She saw the truth of what I was, but I could have sworn she knew it all along.
Maybe I should have just hinted at it. And let her ask if she wanted to know more.
You can’t change the past. If anyone knows that fact all too well, it’s me.
Give her time. I close my eyes, remembering the advice I gave Tyler once. If only it was that easy.