“Carlotta,” I hiss as I head her way. “Are you nuts? You’re going to hurt yourself. Last week I fed you a fried pickle and you said you were up all night after that.”
She rolls her eyes. “Harry was the reason I was up all night. The fried pickle didn’t but tickle my tummy. You don’t know what I’m capable of when there are free hot wings in the balance.”
“Suit yourself.”
A spray of golden stars appears right over her head and Cluck Norris materializes in all his noble glory.
“Ladies!” his voice shrills. “This felonious farm must be stopped. They’ve got ponies, sheep, goats, and pigs all locked up and bunched together while kids with sticky hands tug at their tails. Back when I was strutting around on the Cottonwood farm there was no such thing as cages.”
Carlotta’s head wobbles as she tries to look up at him. “That’s because you were one of those fancy free-range birds. It ain’t always easy for your friends in animal arms. Some of them have got it real tough. I saw those pigs you mentioned. There had to be forty if there wasn’t a hundred, and they’re all confined in a tiny little pen. But it’s all for show. After their gig at the Chili Pepper Festival is up, I’m sure they’ll be driven straight to the slaughterhouse and turned into breakfast offerings. Speaking of which.” She cranes her head at the stagehands milling around. “Do you think I can get a side of bacon with those hot wings?”
I shake my head at her. “But you’ll get a side of hellfire in your alimentary canal for free.”
“Never mind this competition,” Cluck Norris crows. “Never mind the suspect at hand. There are animals in prisons to free. Come now, Carlotta. I command you to obey me. It’s time to unhinge a few latches and allow my furry brothers and sisters to roam free the way nature intended.”
“No can cock-a-doodle-doo,” she shoots back. “I’m sitting right here until I’ve eaten my fill of hot wings. I’m about to have some safe and sane fun. Don’t worry Lot. I plan on outsmarting the competition. I won’t be dipping my hot wings in the hot sauce they provide. I figure I could squeeze more into my belly if they’re plain. I’ll tuck a few up my sleeve to give you later.” She winks my way. “Don’t ever say I’ve never done anything for you.”
Cluck Norris belts out a few riotous crows. “These animals won’t be able to say I’ve never done anything for them either.” He up and disappears in a plume of red and black smoke.
Good gracious. I’ve got a ghost I can’t control, a biological mother who has no idea what she’s gotten her digestive track into, a biological father who does, and two prospective baby daddies who are looking to compete with one another even if it means blowing up their intestines. Have I mentioned the fact my boobs are starting to feel like boulders? I have the sneaking suspicion I should have gone home to shop and nap with my mother and Lyla Nell.
Woody steps up and claps his hands, garnering our attention. “Thank you all for participating in the Great Chili Pepper Challenge. Like we said, we’ll be filming this to broadcast for marketing purposes, and if you pay careful attention you might just find yourself on the eleven o’clock news. Each contestant will have a plate of three hot wings set in front of them, already amply rolled in hot sauce containing the pepper we’re featuring. There will be ten levels of heat, for a total of thirty hot wings. The winner must eat them all and live to tell about it.” He turns to the small crowd amassing around us. “All hot sauces are products of Reuben’s House of Wings and are available for purchase. They make great gifts for those you love and those you love to hate.” A small titter goes off in the crowd. And now I’m tempted to buy an entire set of bottles for Suze. “There are no mics, and no need for anyone to be quiet on the set. The montage will be set to music, so you can moan and groan all you like. You each have a red paddle to your right. When you’re ready to bow out, simply hold up your paddle and you will be officially eliminated. Passing out works, too. Let’s get on with level one!”
A small army of waitresses dressed in red and white checkered blouses tied off under their bosoms and short cut-off jeans stride out and provide each of the contestants with their first round of hot wings. Every person up there, including Carlotta, chomps right through them, and soon we’re off to round two.
I head over to Woody who stands staring pensively at the contestants.
“How are you holding up?” I offer a pained smile.
“As well as can be.” He shakes his head. “Candace is a hard act to follow, both on the show and in my romantic life.”
“You were dating?”
“Oh yeah. We were hot and heavy for about four months. It was new. But Candace could be cagey. I can see why she hadn’t settled down again since she lost her first husband.”
I bet she was cagey.
“Did she ever talk about him? I mean, it was such a tragedy.”
He purses his lips. The light catches the gray stubble on his head and it gives him a halo effect.
“I brought it up and she got real defensive as if I accused her of killing him. It was an accident. The guy dove into rough waters for a swim and it ended him pretty quickly. You don’t mess with Mother Nature.” He frowns. “Candace was a force of nature herself.”
“Did the two of you get along well?” My heart thumps because I’m guessing Candace Cottonwood was difficult to get along with.
“At first it was pristine. But after a few weeks, I started to notice a few quirks. Nothing big. She didn’t like anyone to criticize her. And seeing that I was the director, every time I gave her a suggestion, she took it as a criticism. It wasn’t true, of course. Then she got a little aggressive. She told me that if I ever spoke to her in a certain tone again we were through. That tone was my directorial voice. Same tone I gave everyone else. But Candace pulled me into the position at the show and I didn’t want to rock the boat. A gig like that could open a lot of doors for my production company and it has. You know that old saying, you don’t forget the one that brought you to the dance? Well, Candace brought me to the dance, so I put up with a lot from her.” His expression hardens as he looks to the line of contestants and three have already dropped out. “But don’t get me wrong. Her behavior was consistent across the board. She treated everyone who was close to her in the same way. In fact, if she felt out of control in a relationship, she’d do a little digging and turn the tables until she was back in the driver’s seat.”
“Like blackmail?”
“Yeah, I guess you could say that. She was pretty guarded, though. She only told me so much. I always felt she was holding back, but I figured in time she’d open up to me. Never happened.”
“And what do you think happened that day?”
He looks to the ground an inordinate amount of time as the waitresses bring out yet another round of hot wings, and this time the tangy scent of those wings is enough to clear my sinuses and make my eyes water.
“I think things were said, tempers flared.” Woody looks my way and holds my gaze. “Just between you and me, I heard Burt and Candace having a nasty spat.”
“I saw that, too,” I’m quick to offer so that he doesn’t feel as if he’s ratting Burt out. “What do you think they were arguing about? It looked pretty heated.”