I smile. ‘Yes, she will. In fact, how about I ask her if she’d like to come with me to pick you up?’
She nods, her eyes shining.
‘Nanna likes pizza,’ she informs me, as we leave the flat. ‘She likes it a lot.’
‘Does she indeed?’ I smile to myself, knowing Mum has a fairly dim view of fast food. ‘Well, perhaps we’d better buy some for tea, then.’
Why the hell not? We’re celebrating, after all!
I phone Fen on the way back from school and explain we’ve had a chaotic night, and ask if I could come in a little later, after I’ve made sure Mum is settled.
‘Your mum’s back to stay? Oh, that’s wonderful, Molly! Don’t worry about coming in today. We’ll be fine. You just enjoy yourself with your mum.’
‘But you’ll be short-staffed.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about that. We’ll manage.’ She laughs. ‘Patrina will have to pull her weight for once.’
‘Thanks, Fen.’
‘No problem. You enjoy your day and give your mum my love, will you?’ She pauses. ‘I really wish you’d told me the awful things that were happening, Molly. I could have helped.’
‘I know you would. You’re such a good friend.’
I come off the phone, smiling, and when I get back to the flat, Mum is already up and showered.
‘I’m going to do a bit of shopping,’ she announces, getting into her coat. ‘Fill your food cupboards up a bit.’
‘You don’t have to do that!’
‘But I want to.’ She smiles. ‘I get my state pension today, so I’d like to treat you.’
‘Eva was angling for pizza.’
‘Then cheese and tomato pizza it is!’ She frowns. ‘Unless her tastes have changed since I left?’
I shake my head. ‘Cheese and tomato is perfect.’
When she’s gone, I make a coffee and sit down to think. Now that the excitement of having Mum back has died down a bit, the realities of our situation have risen up in my mind again. Mum’s being her usual laid-back self on the subject of living arrangements, saying that she’ll contribute to the rent with her pension. But I can’t be that relaxed about it. We need to get away from here, but without a deposit for a new place, it’s impossible…
My phone rings and when I see the name that comes up, my heart lurches.
Matt.
‘Hi, Molly. I hope you don’t mind me phoning. I just wanted to check you’re okay?’
‘Thanks. Yes, I’m fine.’
‘It’s just you seemed a bit out of sorts last night. I was worried about you.’
‘You were?’
‘I was. I’ve…been thinking about you a lot lately, Molly. Ever since we met, actually. I’d just about plucked up the courage to ask you out. Then we were on the green and that guy put his arm around you.’ A pause. ‘He…seemed to know you and Eva very well. But you say he’s your landlord?’
‘Jaxon. Yes. I can’t stand him. But that’s another story.’
‘You’ll have to tell me some time.’
‘I will. I promise.’
My heart is pounding at his confession.
He’s liked me from the beginning? Can it really be true?
My head can’t quite believe it. But my heart, in direct contrast, just wants to confess in return that I’m utterly crazy about him and that I want to fly round to his workshop right now to demonstrate the fact in person.
But I stay silent.
‘So you’re feeling okay now?’ he asks.
‘Much better. My mum came back from Greece last night unexpectedly, which was lovely.’
‘Great! So is she back to stay?’
‘Happily, yes.’
‘I’m pleased for you, Molly. I really am. I know how much you were missing her. You and Eva.’
I swallow. ‘Thank you, Matt.’
‘How about I take you out for dinner tonight? To celebrate?’
‘Oh.’ My heart starts skipping along frantically at the thought of seeing him. But I know I can’t. ‘The things is, I couldn’t leave Mum and Eva. Not on Mum’s first proper night back.’
‘I meant all of you. Your mum and Eva included.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, of course. I know I never got to sample that shepherd’s pie, but I’m still allowed to return the favour. It smelled fantastic, by the way.’
There’s a lump in my throat at his offer. It feels the size of a golf ball. Suddenly, the emotion is just too much. My head is too scrambled to make decisions right now.
‘Matt…there’s too much going on in my life right now. I’m a mess, honestly. And I’ve still got so much to sort out.’
‘I could help?’
I stifle a sigh. A huge part of me wants to say, Yes, please. I want you here with me to help make things okay. But I know that would be wrong. It wouldn’t be fair to involve him in all this chaos I’ve created. And it would hardly be the best start to a relationship…
‘Seriously, Matt, I’m a mess. You should give me a wide berth.’
‘What if I don’t want to?’
I give a frustrated sigh. ‘Look, I can’t…I have to think of Eva. And Mum. I have to sort things out first.’
There’s an agonising silence. It’s probably just a few seconds but to my aching heart, it feels like hours.
‘Right,’ he says at last. ‘I’ll see you around, Molly.’
‘Okay.’ My voice cracks on the word.
I sit there for a long time after he ends the call, just staring into space. I’ll see you around, Molly. The finality of those words is horrible. I feel as if my heart has snapped in two.
A tear rolls down my face.
I haven’t cried for a long time. Not properly. Not real gut-wrenching tears that are impossible to stop and make your shoulders shake. But now I’m weeping huge, noisy tears for everything that’s happened in my life since I fell pregnant with Eva. The struggle bringing her up as a single parent. Falling into Jaxon’s clutches because I was so vulnerable.
But mostly, I’m crying because finally, after years of heartache and thinking I’d be single forever, I’ve met the most amazing man ever, only to realise I don’t have the courage to be with him.
I’m so scared that if I do, it will end up going badly wrong, as it always does, and that’s something I really couldn’t bear…
*****
By the time Mum returns, her bags laden with shopping, I’ve had a shower and put on some make-up to brighten myself up a bit.
Over lunch, we discuss what I’m going to do. It’s Wednesday, and Jaxon will be expecting to collect a month’s rent tonight – at the new rate.
‘You know, he hasn’t got a leg to stand on,’ says Mum. ‘You haven’t signed a contract. You could just walk away without paying a single penny more.’
I sigh. ‘Yes, but where would we go? Without money?’
She runs her hands through her hair. ‘Oh, Molly, why the hell did I up sticks to live in Greece? Did I really imagine that’s where my future lay? I must have been mad.’
I smile. ‘You were in love, Mum. Or at least, something like it. And you wanted an adventure. I totally get that.’