“How could you?” I lobbed accusingly at my mother before storming across the yard, hoping they had gone to the bar for another drink. No such luck. I strode into the house, and when I didn’t see them anywhere, I burst out the front entrance to the driveway.
I looked around the yard there, then jogged toward the street. Again, no luck. They had obviously left and, of course, I had my suspicions why.
I glanced up at the sky as the finale was winding down, then lifted my cell to text him.
Sky, are you okay?
I waited. No answer. That was when I knew with certainty he’d heard everything.
I’m so fucking sorry.
37
Skylar
“Sky?” Mom asked as I drove us home. I’d been quiet about what was going on, not wanting her to know what Clark’s mom had said about her. Me? I could deal with that shit. I knew how she felt about me, and I knew I wasn’t good enough for Clark, but she had no business dragging my mom into it. She hadn’t done anything wrong. “Did something happen?”
“Nah, just over it,” I replied, not looking toward the passenger seat. If there was one thing Mom could do, it was read me, and I knew that once she looked into my eyes, she’d know I was lying. “Are you still staying at my place tonight? We can watch horror movies and stuff our faces even more. That sounds way better than a prissy party where people look down their noses at others.” Not Clark, of course. He’d never done that with me—with anyone. From the first time we’d met, he’d always treated me like a friend.
“Let’s do it. Slumber parties with my favorite person in the world also happen to be my favorite thing in the world to do.”
I couldn’t help smiling, though my gut still twisted uncomfortably. She wasn’t perfect, I knew that, but she was my mom, and she was better than Clark’s mother had made her sound. It was better to love too much and show it freely than to be closed off like her.
We were quiet for the rest of the drive to my apartment. I plastered on a fake grin as we got out of the car and went in.
He could definitely do better. And the mother, does she actually think Brock is enjoying her company? He’s clearly only tolerating her.
“I’m gonna go and change. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Mom nodded. “Okay, sweetie.” She was looking at me strangely, her nose and eyes slightly wrinkled as if she was squinting to try and see deeper inside me. She was looking for answers, and I didn’t want her to find them.
I tugged my phone out of my pocket and closed the door to my bedroom. There was a text from Clark. I hadn’t wanted to check around Mom. I’m so fucking sorry.
The thing was, I knew Clark would be. I knew Clark didn’t think or feel any of the things his mom said, but that didn’t change anything. Not really. There would always be someone like his mom, and I would never be the kind of guy Clark was supposed to be with. My mom would never fit in at holiday parties or family get-togethers, like Dane’s sister did sometimes with Jesse’s family, or Seth’s mom with Jake’s.
I jumped when my phone rang. I’d been sitting there staring at it, and then Clark’s name was on the screen, and all I could think of was what his mom had said, how mine would have felt if she’d heard, and Mom talking to Brock, and her broken heart earlier, and Star not calling about the job. I couldn’t even get a new fucking job I wanted. It was all a storm in my head, one I fought to quiet as I picked up the phone and said, “You don’t have a reason to be sorry.”
I didn’t have a bathroom in my bedroom, but the closet was decent-sized. I slipped into that, not wanting my mom to hear.
“Yeah, I do. The things my mom said…”
“Weren’t your fault.” I shrugged as if he could see, tried to ignore the fact that I felt like I was about to throw up. “What are we doing here, Clark? We should have known from the start it was a bad idea for me and my mom to go there.” And the truth was, I had, but I’d gone because I’d wanted to be wrong. Because I’d wanted to spend time with him. I’d wanted to be that guy who could go to his boyfriend’s parents’ house with his mom and just be…normal. All that stupid, dumb shit that wasn’t us and that had hurt my mom how many times? Trying to chase after love, and oh God…did I love Clark?
I closed my eyes, rubbed the palm of my hand against one. Fuck. This wasn’t good.
“Why? It shouldn’t be a bad idea. You guys didn’t do anything wrong. My mom is…my mom, and I know that’s a bad excuse. I wanted you guys there.”
Because no matter what, Clark wanted that perfect sort of family life too. The one my mom and I would never fit into. He wanted the boyfriend he could bring home to his parents, and they’d both work good jobs, and get married, and have a stupid house on the bay with a beautiful view of the fireworks just like his parents had.
“That’s not me, though… Obviously, that’s not me. I didn’t even wear makeup tonight because—”
“You could have worn makeup. I wish you had. I didn’t ask you not to do that. Not to be yourself.”
No, he hadn’t, and he never would, but I’d done it. I’d tried to change myself, tried to tone down who I was so I could fit into his world. I’d tried to be who he deserved like my mom did for men, but that never worked, did it? She either slipped and they left her because she was too much, or they decided who she tried to be for them wasn’t good enough. Clark wouldn’t do that, I knew that, and yet that insistent voice in my head kept telling me he deserved better, and no matter what, I’d be the one who got hurt, just like my mom always was. Clark wasn’t like his parents, but he loved them. He wanted to make them proud, and he could never do that with me. And I sure as shit couldn’t deal with how his mom talked about mine. If Clark and I continued this, it would come between him and his parents, and they would always win.
“I know,” I replied softly. “You wouldn’t do that.” Because Clark was good and kind. He could try to make me happy, and make his mom happy, but eventually, inevitably, it would all fall apart anyway. “Still, I just… I guess I don’t think we should keep doing this. I mean, we were just having fun, right?” Please tell me no. Please fight for me. Please make me believe I’m worth it.
There was a long pause and then, “Yeah…yeah, just having fun.”
My chest tightened, the stinging in my eyes intensifying. “Exactly. Why should you damage your relationship with your family for a booty call?”
Clark was quiet for a moment, then said, “That wouldn’t make much sense, would it?”
“Nope.” I wiped my eyes. God, I was crying. I needed to chill out. This was why I never should have started this with Clark—with someone I cared for the way I did, someone who’d always felt like more to me. “I’m glad we’re on the same page, because I don’t want to lose your friendship. But like we said, we both knew this was temporary. I don’t do the long-term thing, and you’re looking for a different kind of guy than me.” One he could bring home to parties like tonight. One his parents would be proud of.