It was two days before the party, and I had the day off, so I had a sleepover at Clark’s place without having to sneak into his bed in the middle of the night, for a change. I liked it here much better than my own apartment.
Clark and I were in bed after he’d fucked me again—seriously, how had he not known he was such a good top—and I whispered, “Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, I would love to accompany you to your mother’s ball.”
A loud laugh burst from his mouth. “You’re such a dork.” He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
“I want to.”
“That’s weird because even I don’t want to.”
It was my turn to laugh. “But it’s the event of the season! All of the ton will be there!”
“How did we suddenly end up in Regency England or a Disney movie?”
“Because I’m fun like that.”
“I’m glad,” Clark answered.
The truth was… “I’m glad too.” If only because I wanted to spend more time with him, and also, hoping that somehow, I’d discover my thoughts on love and relationships were all wrong.
What in hell had Clark done to me?
“Hey,” he said after a few minutes.
“Hey’s for—”
“Oh my God. Stop being a dork. I thought that was supposed to be my job?”
“You’re a nerd. That’s not the same.”
He chuckled. “Have you heard from the job yet?”
Ugh. Because of course he would ask. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“You still might get it. Don’t stress yourself out. But even if you don’t, there will be more jobs.”
“I know, it’s just…fuck, I didn’t know how much I really wanted this.” And though I’d thought I’d been happy my whole life, lately it felt like I was never able to have what I truly wanted—Clark or this job.
“Yeah, I know.” He sighed, and I wondered if he was thinking about the conversation he’d shared with me the other day about his family’s expanding real-estate business, but then he said, “You’ll get it. I can feel it.”
“Okay,” I replied, rolling my eyes even though he couldn’t see it. That also meant he couldn’t see my smile, because no matter what I tried to pretend, I’d needed to hear that.
The loud knock on my door woke me up early on the day of the party.
I’d hardly stumbled out of bed before it came again, making my heart rate jump and my stomach drop simultaneously. It was silly to think I recognized the sound of a knock, that I knew what the hard, quick succession of bang, bang, bang meant, but I did. After so many years, I really fucking did, and I already felt the need to vomit.
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I called out. One look through the peephole told me my suspicions were correct. Mom stood on the other side of the door with her arms crossed and her face red. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I unlocked the door and opened it. “Hey, Ma.”
“Shit. I woke you up. I wasn’t even thinking about that. You probably worked last night. I can go and come back.”
“No. Come in.” I wouldn’t be able to sleep now anyway. Even if she left, I’d be worried about her.
She came in and went straight for the couch.
“Want coffee?” I asked her.
“You’re the only thing in this world I’ve gotten right. Everything else is a mess. Everything but you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
I started the pot. My apartment was small and open concept, so we could see and hear each other. “That’s not true. I mean, I’m definitely awesome, but you totally deserve me. We’ve always been a team. We’ll always be a team.” When the coffee was ready, I joined her on the couch. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Same old story, just another day.” Mom rested her head on my shoulder. “Why is it so hard to love me?”
I didn’t have an answer for her. I thought she was great. Was she perfect? No. Did she upset me sometimes? Of course. But she had a big heart and knew how to laugh. She’d give the coat off her back in a blizzard if it would help someone else. She kept me when my own dad didn’t want me. “It’s their loss.”
“But is it?” Mom asked. “At some point, and I passed that a long time ago, I need to accept that it’s me…and I’ve finally done that. Every time it’s the same—I’m too much, too this, too that. Over and over and over. And it’s like I don’t learn. I do the same shit and expect different results.”
I put an arm around her, kissed the top of her head, tried to figure out what to say and how to say it. The truth was, I thought Mom had shit taste. She picked assholes because she didn’t think she was worthy of more. I didn’t think she should change for anyone. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with her, not in that sense of the word, but I did know she was right. They did often say similar things, and she did often repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Not only when it came to men, but also about jobs and such. I’d seen it enough by now to know. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I love you, and you’re great, but…maybe you should look into talking to someone again? I remember when I was younger you used to see a therapist. Maybe you can learn how to get yourself out of a rut.”
“I just want someone to love me.”
“I love you.”
“You know what I mean.”
I did know. She meant a man, but maybe…maybe she needed to learn to love herself first.
“And I do love you too, my sweet boy. You’re my heart. And I promise, I’m done, for real this time. I have you, and that’s all that matters. How’s Clark?”
Her change of subject didn’t surprise me. Mom was good at focusing the attention on her when she wanted it and diverting it when she didn’t.
“He’s good.”
“You love him.”
“Ma…can we not? Relationships are the last thing either of us needs to worry about right now.”
She pulled back. “Me, yes, but not you. My mistakes aren’t yours.”
But what if they were? I wasn’t willing to risk finding out, especially not with Clark. It would hurt too much.
“How about we have breakfast? Let’s eat like pigs today and watch…I don’t know…anti-love movies all day or, oooh, we can plan a trip to TP his house tonight.” Whoever he was. Honestly, I didn’t even know if it was the neighbor or someone else.
“I would love that.”
We followed through with that plan. We made a huge breakfast and drank too much coffee and ate too much food. We watched movies, and with each hour that ticked by, I got more and more nervous. A couple of hours before I needed to meet Clark for the party, I sneaked into my room to call him.
“Hey, you,” he said instead of hello, and my stupid heartbeat picked up.
“Hey…listen, I hate to do this, especially last-minute, but I don’t think I can go today. Mom’s here. She’s having a hard day. She got dumped.”