His face went blank. “You said you didn’t remember it.”
“I didn’t. Well, not all of it. At first. It’s come back to me in bits and pieces.”
“So you’ve just been thinking about this, but not talking about it.”
I nodded.
“You’ve dealt with complicated feelings and you haven’t talked to your best friend about them.”
“Because my best friend is the person I’m having complicated feelings about. This isn’t easy.”
“It’s not supposed to be.” He covered his chest with his fist. “It hurts, doesn’t it? And you didn’t talk to me. You acted like you were okay with all of this. Lying by omission is still fucking lying, Navy.”
He was right; he wasn’t the only one who’d lied. But he’d lied to protect me. And I’d lied to protect myself. I didn’t think I could have felt worse about myself than I did in that moment.
25
KEANE
“How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t have to do everything by yourself? You have a big heart, Navy, but you can really be a martyr sometimes. It wouldn’t kill you to ask for a hand now and then.”
“I have,” she insisted. I didn’t understand how she could be so calm right now, when I was as frustrated as I was. Like I had endless energy running through my veins, seeking an outlet it couldn’t find. Like something was about to slip through my fingers and I couldn’t stop it. “When I’ve needed your help, I’ve asked for it.”
“I’ve all but forced help on you. You don’t ask for it.”
“Okay,” she said with a shrug. “Fine. But you sweeping in to save the day isn’t cool when you keep me out of the loop. You telling me you’d have handled it if the situation had been worse with Jade doesn’t make me feel better.”
“Do you not trust me or something?”
“It’s not about that,” she insisted. “Jade stabbed someone’s freaking tire tonight and was basically held hostage until it was paid for. If you didn’t have that kind of cash on you, she might be in jail right now. And I wouldn’t know until it was too late.”
“Well, that’s a moot point, because I had the cash on me.”
She rose from the floor and went into the kitchen. Had she really just walked out on our conversation? But she returned a minute later and thrust a wad of bills toward me. “I only have one-hundred and sixty on me. I’ll get the rest.”
I looked at her like I didn’t even know her. Because right then, it felt like I didn’t. Navy was passionate and full of love, but this Navy in front of me was quiet and calm and avoiding my eyes, and I wanted to shake the life back into her.
“Take it,” she said.
I backed up. I wanted Navy close to me, but not like this. “No. I don’t give a fuck about the money. I’m trying to have a conversation with you.”
“Just take it, Keane. I’m tired.”
“Are you kicking me out?”
Her eyes focused steadily my face. “Yes.”
“So, that’s just it? We’re not going to figure this out?”
“There’s nothing to figure out, Keane. I’m upset. I’m upset that my sister felt like she couldn’t turn to me when she was in trouble. I’m upset that my other sister was asked to lie to me by my best friend. I’m upset that you didn’t stop tonight to let me know what was going on. I’m upset that you brought my other sister to a store in a town I’d specifically kept her from and now people know she’s here. And I can’t be rational right now. I can’t talk to you like this.”
I huffed. “You seem pretty fucking rational right now. And you can’t talk to me right now? You haven’t talked to me in weeks. Not really, and you know it.”
“I’m tired,” she said. “I’m so sick and tired of all this bullshit. I know, you thought you were protecting me, but I don’t need you to protect me. I need you to be honest with me. This, our friendship, can’t work if you can’t tell me the truth.” She swallowed. “When I told you I had a crush on you, I respected you so much for letting me down gently. You didn’t try to protect me—you told me the truth.”
Looking at her, I could see her at fifteen, eyes warm as she’d told me about her crush. And I’d been careless in how I handled it. Because looking at her now, eight years later, with that pain in her eyes—pain I’d put there—was like driving a spike through my heart. “I was stupid when I said that.”
“No, you weren’t. We are better as friends, Keane. Can’t you see that? When we crossed the line, we muddied the waters. You stopped being honest with me and instead tried to protect me and my feelings.” She paused. “Like a boyfriend would. But I didn’t ask that of you. I want to count on you to tell me the truth, always, even when you think it’ll hurt me. And today, when Jade was in a bad situation, you swooped in and rescued her. But it could have been worse.”
I couldn’t believe this. “So you’re more worried about the what-ifs than what actually happened?”
“Next time, that what-if might be a reality. One of my sisters might make a bigger mistake than they did this time and if they go to you instead of to me, I might not be able to help them.” She opened the front door and looked pointedly at me.
Jesus. I couldn’t believe that tonight had turned out this way. “You want the truth, Navy? I don’t give a fuck if you would rather me hurt you than protect you. As your best friend, I want to protect you. As someone who—” I paused, nearly blurting out the words that I didn’t want to deliver at this moment, “has feelings for you, I’ll face anything that could bring you to your knees—for you. Because that’s what any sane person would do if they cared for you.” I felt a hitch in my throat and anger-laced pride spurned me on. “I’m sorry your parents let you down. I’m so fucking sorry that your first memories are tainted by instability. That you had to grow up so quickly. I’m sorry,” I said, framing her face in my hands. I needed to anchor myself to her, to get this through her head. “I’m sorry,” I repeated, “that I fucked up. I royally fucked up. I shouldn’t have taken your sister into town. I don’t have an excuse for it. I shouldn’t have asked her to lie to you.” She shrugged out of my hold, and selfishly I wanted to grab her, hold her like she was the only thing keeping my heart beating when it felt like it was fucking breaking. But she’d backed away and all I could do was stare into her eyes and keep my words steady even when I felt like my entire world was crumbling. “I’m sorry you’re hurt that I lied to you. But I’m not sorry for trying to protect you tonight. I’d do it again. And again. And again, Navy.”
“Even though I’ve told you I don’t want you to?”
“Yep.” I didn’t care if it made me sound like an asshole. On this, I wouldn’t budge. “I can’t make you a promise that I won’t ever try to protect you.”
She walked up to me, stopped, and then slipped the cash she’d been holding in my pocket. She backed away, and just like that my heart crumbled in my fucking chest. “Goodnight, Keane.”