She walked away from me, away from the door, and stared at me like she didn’t know who I was anymore.
I wasn’t ashamed to admit that it broke me. It was like I was losing two of the most important people in my life, but it just so happened that they were one and the same person. And I didn’t realize how much I needed this person until this moment, the moment she was about to slip from my grasp. I’d taken it for granted.
I walked on the front stoop and paused to turn and look at her straight in her eyes. I wanted to make sure she heard me clearly. When I spoke, I kept my voice strong even as I was crumbling apart inside. “You want a promise that I can keep, Navy? Fine. You’re not going to get rid of me this easily. I promise you that.”
I pulled the cash she’d given me from my pocket and tossed it on the table by the door.
And then I shut the door.
26
NAVY
After he left, I sat on the floor for a long time until I was so tired that I laid down there, right on the carpet. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was the smallest inconvenience in comparison to how my heart hurt. I just didn’t think I had it in me to stand back up and then trudge up the stairs.
I stared at the door for a long time, waiting for Keane to come back, give me that smile I loved so much, to tell me it was all a mistake. But it was my fault he walked out. Because I was too afraid to talk about my feelings. And in doing so, I’d caused myself the worst pain of all.
I didn’t refuse to talk to him the way he wanted because I was embarrassed. No, I refused to talk to him because I was afraid of what he’d say, of what we could be if we gave it a chance. Because of what might happen to our friendship. But in refusing to talk to him, I’d caused damage—irreparable damage—to our friendship.
A hot tear leaked out of one of my eyes, coming to rest in the hollow of my ear. And then another followed the same track, and another. I closed my eyes, to keep them from coming, but that didn’t stifle the flood at all.
How had things gone wrong so quickly? I thought of what he said—calling me a martyr. He’d called me that once before, the night I’d told him Violet was pregnant. Was I one though? I guessed martyrs didn’t recognize themselves as one.
But it didn’t matter. What mattered is that my best friend had just walked out that door and I hadn’t stopped him. I thought of every man I’d ever dated before. I didn’t need to think too hard to know that leaving those relationships had never hurt like this did. This was an ache unlike any other; as if I had traveled this windy, messy road with someone and suddenly they left me to navigate the rest of the journey alone. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted Keane.
My mouth opened and the noise that came out didn’t sound human. I rolled onto my side, my arms around my middle, and cried until I fell asleep.
The next evening, I waited in baggage claim for Aunt Isabel’s arrival. I was nervous, but not as nervous as I’d expected. The secret was too heavy to keep carrying so when my aunt called me on her layover, I told her about Violet. There’d been a lot of tears on my end, a lot of silence on her end, and a promise from us both to figure it out when she landed.
But even as she walked through the arrival doors, even as she held me and rubbed my head, I couldn’t hold it together. I was miserable, heartbroken, devastated. I’d always wanted to be enough for my sisters, because I never felt like I’d been enough for everyone else. But the last three weeks had taught me that I was one person, and that person was not equipped to deal with this kind of stress without help.
I wanted to talk to Keane. It’d only been twenty-four hours, but it felt like months. I stared at my phone, as if I could will him to message me first, to break the seal we’d folded over our friendship. I loved him. God, I loved him. Not just as my protector, not just as my Sunday movie buddy, but as my everything else. There wasn’t a moment of my day that I didn’t want to share with him. But I knew I’d hurt him. I’d been selfish in my desire to protect my sisters—wanting to prove something to myself. But I hadn’t needed to prove anything.
“Oh, it’s okay,” my aunt hushed at my ear as she held me. I inhaled her familiar rose perfume and the smell of a shampoo that must have been new. “We will go see Violet tomorrow,” she said before pulling away from me. She waited until we looked at one another in the eyes. “We’ve been through a lot, my little baby. We can get through this.”
I swallowed the lump and stepped back so she could embrace the twins. Like me, they were teary, with wobbly chins, so I took the moment to just observe them. This was my heart—my blood—my everything. My eyes watered, spilled over, and I didn’t bother to wipe any of the tears away.
I needed to be better about being there for my sisters—not just in tough times but good times too. I needed to take a backseat, to pick my battles. It would be hard, but it was the only way we were going to survive the next few years.
My heart thundered in my chest as Jade held Aunt Isabel longer than Rose or I had. Jade was right, I didn’t know her bond with our aunt. I’d been foolish to ever worry about my aunt sending us away. We were more her daughters than nieces. We were blood of her blood, but also we were her sweat, her tears, and her pride over the years. She was more of a mother than ours ever could be. My chest filled with gratitude, with faith that I hadn’t understood before. She hadn’t abandoned us all of the other times when we’d been bratty and confused and needy. She wouldn’t now. She’d handle Jade’s shenanigans, just like she’d handled everything else we’d thrown at her over the last fifteen or so years.
“Come on,” Aunt Isabel said, kissing Jade’s hair as she swiped at her own tears. She gave us all a watery smile and wrapped an arm first around Jade and then another around Rose, before escorting us to baggage claim.
“Where’s your man candy?” Rose asked, looking over her shoulder.
“You sound like your sister,” Aunt Isabel said, giving me a knowing wink. After a moment of silence, she added, “I got bored of him.”
It took a second to register what she’d said, Jade’s mouth forming a wide O and Rose holding out her hand for a high-five. “Daaaamn, Auntie,” Rose said.
“Language,” Aunt Isabel admonished her gently, and Jade and I exchanged small smiles.
After we got home, I debated staying another night at my aunt’s house with her and the twins. But I needed a night in my bed, and I needed my friend to bounce thoughts off of. So when I walked through the door of the apartment I shared with Hollis, I set my bags on the ground and stepped right into her waiting arms. I didn’t cry this time, but mostly because I was dehydrated from doing it so much.
“Oh, Navy. I’ve never seen you like this.”
Okay. I lied. I wasn’t nearly as dehydrated as I thought. The tears fell. “I don’t know what to do, Hols.” I was so full that I wanted to purge all these feelings, evict them from the space they’d carved into my chest. “I made such a mess of things. I pushed him away. I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me.”
Hollis rocked me back and forth as she rubbed my back. “He doesn’t hate you. He couldn’t. He’s hurting too.”