“I met Roger when I was seventeen,” her raspy voice starts, and I barely even notice that I’m holding my breath. “He was a doctor. Sports medicine. Still is. He’s thirteen years older than me, which definitely seemed odd to some people. But I was young and in love… and I didn’t see the many red flags when we started dating.”
My heart thuds against my ribcage while I listen, watching her closely.
“We snuck around until I was eighteen and then we got married in Vegas. I never really thought about him not having many friends before… So because of that, he didn’t want a big wedding. And I liked the notion of running off and eloping in Vegas because I was a young, rebellious teenager. So that’s what we did.
“Shortly after is when I told my parents and they disowned me. It wasn’t just about Roger, though. They never understood me, and they never tried. They saw me as a failure because I didn’t want to follow their ideas of what would make me successful. The day I moved out of my home and into Roger’s was the last day I saw or spoke to them. And with everything in me, I believe I’ll never hear from them again. Not until they’re dead and someone calls me to let me know…”
I’ve always known I was fortunate to have two loving parents who would do anything for me. But it’s not until right now, listening to Alex talk about her worthless, dipshit fuckface parents, that I feel like I might’ve taken mine for granted from time to time.
I’ll call them tomorrow and maybe go out there.
This is crazy. Alex doesn’t deserve that… No one does.
“So after that, it was just me and him,” she continues, lifting her legs up and kicking them slowly in the air. Then she abruptly stops and rolls back onto her side to face me. Her eyes are wide and locked on mine. I wouldn’t be able to look away if I tried. “I don’t know if you’ve ever been in love, Noah. Like, really been in love… Where it consumes your world and makes you go completely crazy. You consider doing things you’ve never done before… Acting in ways that the old you never would. You feel so strongly toward another person it pains you inside sometimes… To think about anything ever taking that person away from you is like slicing yourself open and letting all your guts spill out.”
I gulp over my scratchy throat. Fuck…
“It probably sounds mental to someone who’s never experienced it before. And that’s because it is. People in love are total lunatics. But in the best possible way, because it teaches you how to be truly selfless. When you fall in love, you’re not you anymore. You’re this magnified version of you. It’s like a high that you never come down from. And that’s how I felt about Roger.”
I refuse to register the stinging prickliness all over my body like pins and needles, or the burning lump that’s traveling from my gut all the way up my esophagus.
“For the longest time, it worked with us. I was busy learning about my art, so it didn’t bother me that I had no friends, and that Roger had another life outside of me - his work. Because art was my life outside of him. So it was fine. It was… good. But after a while I wanted more. Subconsciously I felt him slipping away from me, and I wanted something that would tie us together more than just a piece of paper. So I started asking him about a baby.”
I blink slowly. A baby? My head wants to shake no over and over, but I force myself to remain still.
“Roger didn’t want a baby, and for reasons I didn’t understand at the time, he didn’t want me wanting one either. So he started going out more and more to get away from me, staying out all hours, drinking too much. And then I found out he… was cheating on me.”
She pauses to bite her lip, chin dropping in despair.
“I still remember the first time it happened. I think about that night all the time, replaying it in my mind over and over, wondering if there was something I could have done to change the outcome…”
That’s it. I can’t stay quiet any longer.
“Alex, there is nothing you could have done, or could ever do, to warrant someone -”
“Noah, I know,” she cuts me off, remaining calm; almost sedated. “I know that now. But honestly, before I met you, I had no one. I had no friends or family… nothing but time to think… To sit and stew in my cold Upper East Side cage. I painted, yes. I painted my fucking heart out, which is the only silver lining I can take from this whole thing. And I’m keeping that. I’m holding onto it for dear life, because I can’t possibly fathom that I wasted seven years of my life and got nothing in return but bruises and a broken heart.”
Her voice cracks and tears pool in her eyes in a split second. Never in my life have I hurt so badly for someone else. It feels like my own heart is crumbling to tiny, jagged pieces.
“Alex… baby…” I have to put an end to this. I can’t stand to see her in pain.
I reach out and grab her, as gently as I can manage, pulling her into my arms. Boots gets sort of kicked out of the way, so he’s a little annoyed, but he’ll get over it.
I hug her against my chest, burying her face in my throat while she shivers. And she’s not openly weeping or wailing out her distress. She simply shakes and mewls out these noises that drive me to cuddle her more.
We lay like this for the longest time. Just breathing and existing, together with her pain on the outside. I have to believe she feels better for letting it out. I need to feel like I’m helping her in some way.
Eventually, Alex’s breaths regulate and her heart beat becomes a faint murmur, tapping on my chest. I’m lying on my back with her small frame on top of me, nestled up and calm. For a moment I think she might’ve fallen asleep. But then she breaks the quiet.
“I will get out, Noah,” she whispers through a hoarse voice. Her cheek is resting over my heart, and I can’t see her face, but I just know she looks determined. “It’s been a while… of me feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for letting him keep this grip on me. But I’m not too far gone. I will leave him, and when I do, I’ll always remember the strength you lent me.”
“I didn’t lend you anything but a shoulder and an ear, Alex,” I murmur. “You’ve had this strength in you all along. The strength to keep going. To endure. The fight isn’t the part when you leave… It’s the part you’ve already been living for years.”
Slowly she lifts her head, bright eyes shining in the darkness of my room. I swipe at a tear rolling down her cheek, catching it with my thumb.
“Leaving is how you win.”
Chapter Nine
Alex’s Journal
Oh, Barnaby. Where do I even begin?
My body feels drained, yet somehow weighted down. My hands are almost too heavy to write this.
But nothing is as heavy as my heart.
My husband hit me.
Even writing the words feels like a sick joke. Like something dirty and torrid and oh-so wrong.
My husband hit me once, and then he did it again. Because that’s how it goes, right? Once the floodgates open, there’s no closing them.
He cheated on me. I confronted him, and he hit me.
Whose life is this??
I’ll tell you what happened, Barn, but only because I know you won’t tell anyone. You’re not here, or alive or anything like that, so I know you can’t judge me, or look at me with those sad, sympathetic eyes. I can’t have that… I don’t want anyone to look at me like that.