“You make me feel, and it’s not always comfortable,” she said.
His hand fell away. “Life’s not always comfortable.”
“No,” she agreed huskily, looking away, trying to pull herself together.
She was hooked on him. She’d fallen in love with him. She didn’t know why, because he wasn’t practical, or safe, and she was risk-adverse, but now that he was in her heart, she didn’t know how to get him out.
“I don’t have a death wish, Erika,” he said after a moment. “I’d like to end up like Granddad, eighty-nine years old and in better shape than men half his age.”
“That’s a goal I can relate to, as I’d like to see you loved, the way your grandfather is loved by all of you. You, Beck, Beck’s kids.”
“You’re awfully determined to give me a family.”
“You already have a family, a big family. The family you were born into, and now the family you’re creating. Beck is just the first of your children. I’m sure there will be more.”
“You’re also determined to make me settle down.”
“You’re already somewhat settled. You have a great home. You have a son. You have what most men would love to have.”
“Not women?” he countered. “You don’t want a home, and family?”
“Of course I do, down the road, if I meet the right person—”
“You make that sound as if that’s going to be a challenge.”
“I’m not for everybody. And honestly, not everyone’s for me.”
“What do you want? From a man?”
His voice had dropped, and firmed, and she looked away from him, to gaze out over the dramatic pink rocks. “I want him to love me.”
“That’s a given,” Billy said.
“No, it’s not. My mom and dad didn’t have much love between them, and even less tolerance. They picked at each other constantly. It was excruciating.”
“You’re not them. You won’t make the same choices, or the same mistakes.”
“I’m afraid, though. Afraid that maybe—” She broke off, shook her head.
“Maybe what?” he persisted.
She bit the inside of her cheek, considered the men she’d dated, remembered who they’d been and how incredibly unsatisfying the relationships had been. “Maybe I’m unlovable.”
“Bullshit.”
She couldn’t look at him. “I think I might need too much.”
“Of what?”
“Hugs. Love. Words of affection.” She forced herself to look up, her gaze meeting his. “I think I’m going to need too much reassurance, and it won’t be an easy thing for a man. Men don’t like needy women.”
He let out a rough laugh. “You’re the least needy woman I know.”
“Maybe it’s because you don’t know me.”
“So what are you hiding from me?”
It was her turn to laugh, a very uncomfortable laugh. “What am I not hiding?”
“Hit me with one thing.”
She squinted against the bright warm sun, thinking. She wasn’t even sure where to begin. “I’d rather hang out with you and Beck than sit in my room and do my dissertation.”
“How is that a bad thing? I wouldn’t enjoy spending a year or more writing a paper. I wouldn’t enjoy spending a day writing a paper.”
“Yes, but I’ve lost all interest in my dissertation. I don’t seem to care about the future anymore.” She turned and looked at him again, her gaze sweeping his impossibly handsome face. “I’ve lived my life by a list of goals and suddenly those goals seem less important than just being happy now.”
“Are you happy?”
“These past few weeks have been the happiest of my life.” She shrugged. “And I worry that all my goals were a distraction to keep me from realizing how unhappy I was.”
“Okay, slow down. You’re upset with yourself for feeling good?”
“I’m feeling so good that I don’t want to work.”
“That’s not abnormal, Erika.” He smiled at her, a rather tender, amused smile. “You might need to counsel yourself, because you’re not saying anything shocking. You’re not saying anything weird, or deviant. You just happen to be aware of your weaknesses.”
She had nothing to say to this. She was almost embarrassed they were having this long conversation about her issues. She preferred it when they were discussing him and his.
“No one is productive all the time,” he added. “No one is at their best all of the time. We have highs and lows, and you’re going to have lows. You just have to push through, not give up, and not give up on your dissertation. You’ve worked far too hard to lose focus now. What can I do to make things easier? Hire Ellen? Ask her to do some cooking for us while caring for Beck? Do I need a housekeeper? What would allow you to start making progress again?”
She couldn’t tell him that she didn’t want to write and work, that she just wanted to be with him, but it sounded pathetic even to herself. “Childcare would help. Some meals would be nice. I’m not adept in the kitchen—”
“You’re better than you were.”
She smiled crookedly. “Thank you. I think.”
“What else is worrying you? Tell me. Let me help if I can.”
“Money.” Her voice cracked. “I need to bring in some money again. It’s going to be tough making my rent payment for June if I don’t get my act together.”
“I’ll cover your rent—”
“No.”
“Why not? You’ve given up your life for Beck, and he’s my son. Let me help you.”
“Because Beck has been a gift, and a joy. I don’t want to take money from you for doing something I’ve loved.”
“Why is it okay for you to take care of Beck, but I can’t help take care of you?”
Heat rushed through her again, as well as a wash of shame. “I take care of Beck because he’s a baby. I’m not an infant. You shouldn’t have to take care of me. I should be able to take care of myself.”
“You’ve helped take care of me since I was hurt, and I’m not an infant.”
“It’s different. You were injured. You had serious injuries, too—”
“I’m beginning to understand. Everyone else can be human but not you. You’re superhuman, and therefore, should be perfect.”
Annoyed, she shot him a hard, narrowed glance. “No.”
“If you feel needy, it’s because you think it’s somehow wrong to have needs, and I don’t know what your psychology experts say about that, but I was raised to think that it’s okay to have needs, and it’s okay to struggle, and it’s okay to ask for help.”
Temper flaring, Erika faced him, her hands rubbing Beck’s back as if to soothe him when in reality she was trying to calm herself. “If you’re such an expert, why don’t you want more for yourself? Why do you pursue women who are satisfied with just your body, and don’t want more of you? Why want women who are willing to accept your rules? Why not let yourself be challenged by a woman who wants the best from you, not just sex from you?”