Erika appeared twice that morning, long blonde hair in a loose side braid, offering fresh coffee, and then later, wondering if he wanted lunch. He declined both offers and made a light remark about how he’d been sitting too much and eating too much and it was time to get back in shape.
She looked worried but bit back whatever it was she wanted to say. He watched her return to the house, his gut tight, the air bottled in his chest because she could tell things were different between them and was worried she’d done something. He wanted to reassure her that she hadn’t done anything other than kiss him far too well, but how did you even have that conversation? You didn’t. So, as the cabin door closed behind her, he forced his attention back to his ride, nudging his gelding into a sprint across the soft dirt.
*
It was obvious Billy was avoiding her, and Erika gave him space all day, but by dinner time she’d had enough of his cagey distance and silence. She’d made a roast chicken, something that wasn’t hard, not after she looked up recipes online and was proud of her efforts, but then angry when Billy barely ate.
“No breakfast,” she said, sitting back at the table, “no lunch and now hardly any dinner. What’s going on? Are you sick? In pain? Do I need to get you to a doctor?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” he retorted, pushing aside his plate. “Just not hungry. Don’t take it personally.”
“You’re always hungry, so yes, I’m taking it personally.”
“Well, don’t. Everything’s fine—”
“No, it’s not.” She reached for Beck’s plastic key ring and handed it back to him. “Things are not fine. You’ve shut me out, given me the big freeze, and, after last night, it’s kind of hurt my feelings.” Erika gave him a long, assessing look. “Was the kiss that disappointing? Did I not respond appropriately?”
He winced. “It wasn’t bad, and you know it.”
“No, I don’t know it. All I know is that you pushed me away from you last night and haven’t spoken more than a half dozen words since.” She swallowed hard but kept her composure. “Can you just fill me in so I know what’s going on here?”
“Do you really not know?”
“No. And I’m not in the mood for guessing games. Just treat me like I have half a brain and tell me what’s going on.”
Billy stared at her a long minute. “I’m attracted to you.”
“Okay.”
“It’s not okay. It’s a problem.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not going to muck our friendship up by making another move on you.”
“Because I’m April’s cousin?”
“No. Because you’re you. You’re not looking for a good time. You’re looking for a forever man, and that’s not me. We both know that. Don’t we?”
She swallowed and gave a short nod, even as a part of her silently argued with him. He wasn’t as shallow as he claimed. He wasn’t the player he pretended to be. But at the same time, if he didn’t want more with her, he didn’t want more.
“Okay then,” she said, rising from the table. “I’ll wash up.”
Chapter Eleven
For the next few weeks Billy and Erika maintained a polite façade of somewhat icy cordiality. She still made him breakfast in the morning, and they still watched TV in the evening, but there was little conversation. They’d watch the news and programs in silence and then Erika would excuse herself and go to bed.
May first came and went, and Erika paid rent yet again on an apartment she hadn’t seen since February.
Every day, she disappeared into her room after breakfast while Billy took care of Beck so she could work.
Her progress was laughable, though. If she were being honest, it had ground to a stop. Like today, she just sat with her computer, and stared across the room, anxious, worried, heartsick.
She was in trouble in so many ways. She wasn’t working, wasn’t being practical, wasn’t being realistic. She’d unplugged too much from her own life and was too caught up in what was happening here in this corner of southwest Utah.
She loved the cabin, and the isolation. She loved Beck, and Billy. She loved the fantasy she’d helped create—being here was like playing house. She could almost pretend she was the mom, Billy was the dad, Beck was their baby. She could almost pretend that she and Billy had a relationship. She could almost pretend that things would work out and they’d be together, a happy ever after.
But she knew.
She knew the truth. She was just avoiding it and reality.
Sighing, Erika forced her attention back to her computer screen, and lifted her hands, fingertips hovering over the keyboard. She reread her last paragraph, but no thoughts came, nothing she could write down. Fighting tears, Erika flipped through her notes, waiting for inspiration, or just for her brain to engage. She had to pull it together. She needed to focus. She couldn’t sit here daydreaming, wasting time in wishful thinking. She had work to do, and it was time she got it done—
Her vision blurred, tears blinding her.
She reached up and wiped them away, filled with self-loathing. When had she become so pathetic? What was wrong with her? This was her work, her job, her life.
But was it?
Did it have to be?
Was it so wrong to want a break, to want to focus on the here and now?
Erika stared at her computer screen for a long moment, then glanced out the window, toward the distant pink mountains. Every day, she thought of the drive and the hike. She remembered the sheer joy of being outside, moving, living, breathing. The joy of being in the moment. The joy of just feeling good, of feeling needed.
That was what she wanted. That was all she wanted right now.
Decision made, Erika opened her email and composed a message to her department chair, as well as her own advisor. She wasn’t giving up, but she was stepping away, at least for a little while.
*
Erika wasn’t sure how to tell Billy about her decision, or the email she’d sent to her academic advisor. He wouldn’t like it, and she worried he might blame himself, but she hadn’t done it for him. She’d done it for herself.
At the same time, Billy was healing remarkably well. He’d gone to Cedar City twice to be seen by doctors, and on the last visit, he’d had an appointment with a physical therapist who’d sent him home with stretches and gentle exercises. But Billy didn’t do anything gently, and within days was back to working out, and the active life he’d led.
Boom still came over to assist with certain chores, but Erika suspected Billy just liked Boom’s company, and wanted to shoot the breeze with him. Billy seemed most comfortable outside, or in the barn.
She said as much one day, early in May. “You’re recovering fast. Even faster than the doctors expected.”
“It’s good. I don’t like feeling helpless. I hated adding to your worries when you’ve had so much pressure on you with your dissertation.”
This was probably the time to tell him she wasn’t feeling pressure, not anymore, and wouldn’t feel pressure for quite some time since she’d asked for an extension and had been granted it.