Emily laughed. "I'm so excited. I can't even stop smiling. That's probably part of the reason why I looked like a murderous psychopath earlier. Or maybe I just have an evil monster baby that's taking over my mind."
"You don't. Stop it. You look amazing." I let go of her embrace. "You don't even look pregnant at all."
"I'd hope not, I'm barely a few weeks along."
"Geez, I can't even believe it. I'm so happy for you. Why didn't you tell me you were going to start trying?"
"I just...you were busy with everything with finding a new roommate. And then all the issues with Rory..." her voice trailed off.
She felt sorry for me. Here she was, married and pregnant with her first child. She already had everything I had ever wanted. And I just kept losing roommate after roommate as everyone around me got engaged and married. But never me. I had thought all my closest friends getting married was hard. Watching them all have babies suddenly seemed a lot harder. I was falling further and further behind. And after I tell Rory about the articles I had written about him, I'd be back to square one again. The thought of losing him actually made my heart hurt. And not only would I lose the guy I was in love with, he'd probably move out and I'd need to find another roommate on top of my heartbreak. I wanted to be happy for Emily. I so badly wanted to be happy. But I was jealous. I was jealous of my best friend for being pregnant. What is wrong with me? I shook the thought away. Stop being so dramatic. Be happy for her.
"I'm so happy for you," I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
"Thanks, Keira." She hugged me again. "But I seriously have to finish getting ready. Jim hates when I'm late. And this is probably the last time I'm going to look this good for a while." Emily laughed and pulled away.
"Okay, okay. I'm going. Congratulations, Emily."
***
It was hard to separate my feelings for Rory from the fact that I was falling behind all my friends. I suddenly felt old and desperate. Do I just think I'm in love with him because I so badly want to be in love? I shook my head. I didn't think so. I really hadn't felt this way with anyone else before. But what did I really even know about him?
I stood up and started pacing back and forth in my room. I had to tell him about the articles. Thinking about how I felt was just going to make it harder when he said he no longer wanted anything do with me. How I felt. Oh my God!
I ran to my computer and opened up my email thread with Judy. I scrolled through the emails until I came across the one she had deemed boring and unsexy. And there it was. Everything that I had wanted to say to Rory but couldn't. It was more now. Because I wasn't just falling for him anymore. I had already fallen...toppled down the stairs head first for this boy. And this explained all of that. The piece that got rejected. I quickly printed it out, slipped it in an envelope, and wrote Rory on the front of it.
No matter how much closer we got, I was still awkward around him. He still made me nervous every time I saw him. I wasn't sure if those butterflies would ever go away. I sighed and sat down on my bed. Somehow letting him know what I wanted to write made the whole situation seem better. Even if the original words were full of confessions about falling for him. I'd feel so much better after he knew the truth. And if he didn't care, really didn't care, and forgave me right away...he really could be the one. He was funny, and smart, and sexy. God was he sexy.
I heard the front door open and close. This is it. I didn't want it to wait until morning. I wanted to do it right now. And then do him. Oh please God don't let this morning be the last time he looks at me like that. I glanced in the mirror. You can do this. Everyone did stupid shit. Writing about him was a mistake. And I was done. The segment was done. People don't usually do shit this stupid.
I gripped the envelope in my hand and left my room. Rory wasn't in the kitchen. I turned the corner and screamed. There were two people making out on my couch.
"Oh, Keira, shit." Connor stood up.
"Oh my God, it's just you. Connor, you almost gave me a heart attack." I took a deep breath to calm down. But then I realized that I shouldn't have to. He shouldn't just keep showing up like this. "What are you doing here?"
Connor laughed. "I am so, so sorry. I didn't realize that you'd be home." He scratched the back of his neck. "You remember Julie."
I had been too scared to even realize that my friend from college was the one he was making out with.
"Oh, geez, Julie. Hi, it's been forever."
"Hi, Keira. I'm sorry, Connor said no one would be here. We may have had a little bit too much to drink. And..."
"And decided to bang on my couch?"
"Rory's couch," Connor said. He looked embarrassed. "And we were only kissing."
"I'm really sorry to break this up, but I'm going to need that key back Connor. All you've been using it for is scaring me to death."
"I really am sorry, Keira. I wouldn't have come if I thought you were going to be here."
"Why do you keep saying that? Of course I was going to be here. It's my apartment, not yours." I was so full of emotions tonight. I just felt like exploding. I was jealous of Emily, yet so happy for her. And I was worried about what Rory was going to say to me when we talked. And my heart hurt already. Because most of all I was full of love. And I was terrified of losing that feeling. Everything was just too much for me to handle. I couldn't deal with Connor right now.
He just stared at me.
"Seriously, why did you think I wouldn't be here?"
"I don't know..."
"Connor." Something was wrong. He looked so guilty. What was he hiding from me? "Connor, tell me!"
"Rory said he was going on a date tonight." Connor's voice was soft. "I just figured he meant with you."
I looked down at the envelope in my hands. Of course. His plans were with another girl. The next girl. The one he'd tell Jackson about first. I had tried to play with a player and failed miserably. Instead of making him change his ways, I had fallen in love with him. And he was probably sleeping with someone else right now.
"Keep the key, Connor," I said. I walked over to the front door and opened it. "I'm not going to be needing it anymore."
"Keira?"
I walked out of the apartment.
"Keira, wait!"
I slammed the door behind me.
Part 3
Chapter 28
I looked down at the envelope that was still clutched in my hand and slowly opened it. It was dated at the top, two days before my articles about Rory had started being published in the paper. I began reading what I had felt then.
I wanted to learn how to play with a player. I came up with the idea to write about my experience, with all the juicy details, so that every woman out there could do the same. This new norm of one night stands is completely horrendous and unacceptable. What happened to gentleman callers and flowers? We all want more. And I wanted to fix it. But I'm not sure I'm the right person for the job anymore. Because I'm falling for the guy I thought I could play.