A few weeks ago, I put an ad in the paper looking for a new roommate. That's when Rory showed up. Rory is the kind of guy that you crush on from a distance but have never actually talked to. You know, the one with the perfect amount of scruff on his perfect face, with abs that you only see on movie stars, and a smile that makes your knees weak. Trust me, I've tripped over my own feet quite a few times around him.
But since he was my roommate, we had to talk. Which may have been worse than admiring him from a distance because I'm so awkward when I have a crush. I ramble and say stupid stuff I don't mean. Somehow we agreed to just be friends in this weird, twisted roommate pact, which I actually wanted nothing to do with. So I started acting even more awkward. Listening to his bed squeaking with different women screaming his name every night made me physically sick. I couldn't handle it. I completely hated that he was a player. Because I wanted him to want me, and only me.
But I knew that was impossible. He barely even noticed me. So my brilliant idea? I asked him for advice on how to have a one night stand. And then I pathetically followed his advice and used it on him. Never in a million years would I normally do something like that. I've only ever had sex with my boyfriends. With Rory though, I'd take what I could get. So I experienced my first one night stand. Despite the label, it wasn't a one night stand to me. A better label probably would have been "best sex of my life" or "best night of my life". I was completely and utterly hooked. All I wanted was more. And now all I can think about is more. So I failed my assignment. I can't play with a player because I've been completely played.
I'm falling for a guy who just wants to be my friend. So I have to listen to his bed squeak and other women scream his name. I have to sit next to him on the couch and pretend everything is fine. And I have to watch the guy I'm falling for eventually fall for someone else.
The words blurred in front of me. Judy had rejected the article, which definitely made sense. It didn't read like a proper editorial piece at all. The words were just my heart and soul on paper. And it was incredibly painful to read, because I wasn't falling for Rory anymore. I had fallen. I loved him and he was currently fucking some other girl. Writing the articles had helped me cope a little the past week, but now that they were done, all I felt was pain. Rory really was the type of guy you admired from a distance. I should have never let him move in with me.
But that would have been worse. Even just getting to be with him a few times was better than never. Because now that I knew he would never feel the same way as me, I realized how final never really was. I crumbled up the paper, tossed it on the table, and looked down at my bowl of ice cream. It had completely melted into dark brown goo.
That's how I felt, like a melted, destroyed version of myself. I wanted to be mad at Rory, but I couldn't be. He had warned me that he wasn't what I wanted. He tried to keep me away with that pact. But I just kept pressing him. It was my fault. Not his. I was just mad at myself for falling for someone who would never love me back. I had probably chosen the most emotionally unavailable guy in the whole freaking city.
"I thought I might find you here."
I looked up at Connor. I wasn't sure when it had happened, but somehow he had become one of my closest friends. Just seeing him made the tears start to stream down my cheeks again. "Connor," I said between sobs. I stood up and wrapped my arms around him, pressing my cheek into his chest.
"I'm so sorry, Keira." He hugged me back.
I felt safe in his arms. Connor was so sweet. He had tried so hard to help me with Rory. But of course it didn't work. Because Rory was Rory and I was just me. I could feel Connor's shirt getting damp from my tears.
"I might have misunderstood what he said, you know. Maybe he didn't say date," Connor said.
"Don't, Connor. Please don't defend him. I know he's your friend, but if that's what you're here to do, then please just leave." I pushed on his chest so he'd release me from his hug as I wiped away my tears.
"That's not why I'm here, Keira." His expression was pained.
I didn't know what to say. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
"I was worried about you." His words hung in the air. He had left his date to track me down. That was probably the sweetest thing a guy had ever done for me.
"I'm sorry that I ruined your date."
"I don't care about that."
Our eyes locked together. "Connor, I'm really glad that I got to meet you."
"You're acting like you're not going to be seeing me anymore." He gave me a small smile.
I sighed and sat down. "I'm going to move out."
He sat down across from me. "It's your apartment, Keira."
"I can't live there anymore." Rory only wanted sex from me. And I couldn't wait around hoping he'd change his mind. It hurt too much to think about him on other dates. And now everywhere I looked in the apartment would remind me of him. I bit my lip. I didn't want to start crying again.
"I'm sorry that I tried helping you make things happen with him. I should have known he'd screw it up."
I laughed. "He didn't screw anything up. He told me all he wanted was a one night stand. And when it became more than that, we never talked about what we were. There's no reason why he shouldn't be out screwing someone else right now."
"There is a reason. You."
I could feel my tears welling in my eyes again. "Me? That doesn't seem to be enough, does it? I'm never enough for anyone." I thought about my past three boyfriends breaking up with me. No one ever wanted me back.
"For the record, I would never do that to you." He reached out and put his hand on top of mine. "You deserve better."
"Better than your best friend?"
"I love him to death, but he's clearly an asshole."
I laughed.
Connor rubbed his thumb along my palm.
Suddenly the reason why Connor had run after me was apparent. And it hurt me that I was about to hurt him. "I'm in love with Rory," I whispered.
Connor immediately removed his hand. "What?"
"I am." I shook my head. "I was. I thought I was?" I took a deep breath. "I am. But it doesn't matter now." I put my hands in my lap.
Connor looked like he was in pain again as he searched my face. "I didn't realize. Honestly, I was still hoping I had a chance." He gave me a small smile.
"Maybe you can call me in a few months." I wanted to believe that I'd be over Rory by then. I wasn't sure I'd ever be, though.
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I really want to take you up on that offer. And I hope I don't look back on this and realize it was the biggest mistake of my life. Because I think you're absolutely amazing. You're beautiful and funny and smart. And you get along with my friends. A little too well." He smiled. "But I think you should give Rory one more chance."
"It's not that I'm not willing to give him another chance. It's that I know he doesn't want to be with me. He's made that perfectly clear. Over and over again. So what's the point?"
"You know, I never actually got to cash in on that favor you owe me."