“And now he’s like this master conductor and my body is his orchestra and I don’t want to date or get married except I could see me and Rufus living at his place forever, and I also don’t know how long it’ll be before Tyler gets tired of us. He doesn’t want to have a girlfriend or ever get married either, except he told me this morning that we’re dating and he gave me the keys to his car and he’s acting like he won’t allow me to go see my mother unless he’s present to serve as a shield to absorb all of her accidental insults, even though we both know he can’t order me to do anything, and I don’t think it’s a control thing. I think it’s that he wants to protect me from getting hurt. And it feels a whole lot like what I see your parents have. And what you and Nick have. And now I’m going to hyperventilate, okay?”
Kami grips my greasy hands while I breathe through the sudden panic gripping my heart.
I know why my mom’s broken.
She loved my dad with everything she had, and he left.
She wasn’t enough. Her love wasn’t enough.
He got tired of her, and he left.
If I let myself love Tyler with everything I have, and he leaves, I know exactly what my future will look like.
It’ll look like my mom.
“Muffy. Talk to him.”
“I can’t. Kami, I told him why I left Blackwell. But I can’t tell him this.”
Her brows hit her hairline, and hurt flashes in her eyes.
Dammit.
This is exactly why I can’t have a relationship. Even when I’m not trying, I hurt the people I love. I grip her hands tighter and lean across the table. “He fainted at the funeral home. And I felt so bad. And then he told me some personal stuff, and I’d been drinking, and—”
“It’s okay.” She squeezes my hands, back to being calm, rational, kind Kami who would let anyone walk all over her.
Except she doesn’t do that anymore.
Not since she put her foot down with Nick a year ago.
“I’m terrified he’ll hurt me like my dad hurt my mom,” I whisper.
She smiles at me, and it’s like being wrapped in a hug. She’s not smiling because she’s happy. She’s smiling because she’s saying it’s okay, Muffy. You’ll be okay. “My mom told me once that your parents got married because your mom fell so in love with your dad at first sight that she hid all of her quirks and made herself into the woman she thought he wanted her to be. She didn’t think anyone would love her if she was herself, and after a while, she convinced herself that your dad knew who she really was deep down and loved her anyway, even though he had no clue. You don’t hide who you are. At least, I don’t think you do. Do you?”
I laugh, but it comes out more like a hiccup. “Believe me, if I were hiding who I am, I’d find a much more attractive package.”
“You’re not your mom, Muffy. And I don’t know what Tyler’s hang-ups are about relationships, but I know he’s not your dad. He likes you because of your quirks. He likes you because you don’t fit a mold. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. And if he doesn’t feel the same, you have something else your mom never had to help you get through it.”
“What?” I know the answer. I have her. But I want to hear her say it.
“You have Nick. He’ll make Tyler’s life hell until he’s begging for a trade and you never have to see him again.”
I snort with surprised laughter.
But I know she’s right.
I have her. And she has Nick, so by extension, I have Nick.
I also have my clients and friends. If things go south with Tyler, I’ll be okay.
I will be okay.
She’s right. I should talk to him.
Soon.
Maybe next week, if he hasn’t kicked Rufus and me out yet.
“Thank you.”
She leans across the table and hugs me, squishing the fish between us. “You’re welcome. Now, can we get out of here? My boobs are about to explode. I need to pump.”
34
From the texts of Tyler and Muffy
Tyler: If you get any messages from numbers you don’t recognize, ignore them. Ignore them all.
Muffy: Why? Did you leak my number to some lonely hockey player online group that passes around good numbers for phone sex?
Tyler: In case you’re unaware, it’s highly uncomfortable to sit on an airplane when you have a boner the size of Mount St. Helens, and you talking about phone sex is definitely giving me a boner the size of a mountain.
Muffy: I legit always wondered if penises were actually annoying. And now I know. Thank you. Also, I hope you can breathe with that many tons of dirt and rock in your crotch.
Tyler: This is where you tell me you’d lick me until I blew like a volcano if we were together.
Muffy: Would you actually jerk yourself off on an airplane surrounded by your teammates?
Tyler: This is why airplanes have bathrooms.
Muffy: OMG. *mind blown emoji* Do guys really do that? Do they really go into the bathroom mid-flight to jack off? I am never using an airplane bathroom again. Ew. Ew ew ew!
Tyler: What if we flew to Australia?
Muffy: Depends.
Tyler: On what?
Muffy: Not IT DEPENDS. I would WEAR DEPENDS.
Tyler: Sexy.
Muffy: I should not be turned on by you being turned on at the thought of me in adult diapers.
Tyler: Fuck. And I was just getting comfortable and not worried I’d make Klein self-conscious if he happens to notice I get bigger boners than he does.
Muffy: You are such a guy. And have you ever actually seen Klein have an erection? Do you know for sure yours is bigger?
Tyler: I forbid you from thinking about Klein raising his flagpole.
Muffy: *laughing emoji*
Tyler: But you’re welcome to think of my joystick as much as you want. Actually, if you wanted to think about it now and tell me you’re naked in my bed and pretending I’m with you, I’d be down for that.
Muffy: Oh! I got three texts from unknown numbers. They’re claiming to be your sisters. OMG! You gave your sisters my number?
Tyler: Ignore those. They’re not actually my sisters. Nick’s passing your number around the team and everyone’s trying to get you to tell stories about me.
Muffy: The one claiming to be Allie has a picture of you with your finger up your nose when you were thirteen. *picture of Tyler dressed for hockey practice with his finger up his nose*
Tyler: That’s really Rooster.
Muffy: No, that’s definitely your brother in the background. OMG! The one who says she’s Keely sent me a screenshot of a group text with you and your family where your dad said something about getting high and moving in with a family of otters?
Tyler: Heh. Yeah. I taught Staci how to change autocorrect functions in Dad’s phone, and so she sneaks over there and replaces his favorite phrases with weird shit all the time. No one suspects her because she refuses to participate in group text messages.
Tyler: DO NOT SCREENSHOT THAT CONFESSION.
Tyler: Not that it matters. It’s not really my sisters. It’s Lavoie and Rooster and Ares.
Tyler: Muffy? Fuck. Where’d you go?
Muffy: Sorry. Daisy group video-chatted us all because your sisters knew you’d be denying it was actually them. OMG! They’re so funny! And nice. And I can see how growing up with that much energy would scar you for life. It’s like two and a half times as much energy as my mom, and she drove me crazy on a regular basis.