Tyler: Ice water has officially rained down on Mount St. Helens and it will never erupt again.
Muffy: Britney and Daisy both put some of their cats on to talk, and Rufus freaked out at all the meowing. But don’t worry. I’ll replace your fruit bowl before you get home. Oh! Did I tell you that one of my clients had a very successful first date this morning? I’m so excited for her. She’s… well, she’s a lot like me. *blushing emoji* *flower bud emoji*
Tyler: That’s awesome. High five, magic matchmaker.
Muffy: It’s only a first date, but they set up a second before it was over, so I’m cautiously optimistic.
Tyler: We should celebrate when I get back. Naked. With those dice that Rufus dumped out of your bag.
Muffy: OMG! I didn’t know you saw those.
Tyler: Got distracted when he tried to climb the curtains.
Muffy: Those are on my list to replace too.
Tyler: Quit offering to replace things. Have I mentioned I have four sisters and I’m the baby? I didn’t pick or buy anything currently decorating my place. I didn’t even pick the condo. It was the default option when my sisters nixed the other options for whatever their reasons were.
Muffy: What about the TV?
Tyler: Okay, that wasn’t my sisters. That was West. He was researching his own new television when he got out of the military, found one he liked, then moved in with Daisy and redirected his TV here to me since he knew mine didn’t survive my move to Copper Valley and I’d been going without, whereas he had moved in with a billionaire.
Muffy: That’s…wow.
Tyler: I *am* fully capable of picking things for myself. But a wise man once told me it’s sometimes best not to fight it.
Muffy: Your dad?
Tyler: West, actually. He heard it from Dad first, before Dad was worn down by raising four girls.
Muffy: You’re ridiculous, yet sexy and adorable at the same time. That bag Rufus emptied? It’s actually my Muff Matchers new client kit. In addition to the sex dice, there are fuzzy handcuffs, a pack of cards with unique date ideas and conversation starters, eye masks, a romantic candle, lip balm, breath mints, hand sanitizer, an umbrella, and a vibrator.
Tyler: Fuck me, now I’m picturing you using a vibrator.
Muffy: I’m mildly surprised you didn’t empty the drawer in my nightstand when you cleaned out my room to move me in with you. It’s not like you have anything to be self-conscious about. You’re definitely better than my favorite dildo.
Tyler: I’m sweating.
Muffy: So. You, me, dice, handcuffs, dildos, and vibrators? Saturday night is sounding better than I thought it would when you proposed date night on our way back from Richmond.
Tyler: Klein just asked me if I’m having a heart attack. I had to put a book over my boner. Talk to me about the umbrella. Why do you have an umbrella in your new client kit?
Muffy: It’s the most phallic-shaped thing I could think of. I wanted to put in dildos but that seemed too far, even for me.
Tyler: Fuck me, you do NOT want to know the things I’m thinking right now…
Muffy: *chest selfie* Question: is this called a chelfie? Or a brelfie?
Tyler: Take the shirt off and snap another chelfie. The plane might be going down. I need to die with the image of your breasts as the last thing I see.
Muffy: Is the plane really going down?
Tyler: If I say yes, do I get a full nude?
Muffy: You, Tyler Jaeger, are a hornball.
Tyler: Only around you.
Muffy: *naked chelfie*
Tyler: God, I love your tits. You have the most gorgeous nipples.
Muffy: You remember last week, you walked into Cod Pieces and looked down your own pants?
Tyler: Yes.
Muffy: I would very much like to look down your pants right now. But I don’t think I’d stop at looking. I’d want to touch you too. And stroke you. And then lick you. And suck on you.
Tyler: *gif of a man sweating profusely*
Muffy: *gif of a woman biting into a strawberry and closing her eyes in ecstasy*
Tyler: Strawberries. Fridge.
Muffy: *selfie of her biting into a strawberry with her bare breasts showing*
Tyler: Fuck. We’re landing in twenty. I’ll call you. If I survive that long. Gotta go before I come in my pants. *kissy emoji*
35
Muffy
It’s Saturday morning, and Tyler’s due home from his road trip any minute.
So where am I?
Back at the café next to the stuffed animal store, having a morning Muff Matchers client support group meeting.
And my mother has joined us.
“I always put out on the first date,” she’s telling Brianna. “That way, you know if he’s worth having another date with. Go big or go home.”
“And that works for you,” I point out, “but everyone is entitled to do what they are comfortable with.”
“Women shouldn’t be ashamed of liking sex,” she argues.
“No one’s saying we should.” Maren shoots a look at me that feels like a sympathetic hug, then turns back to Mom. “But, Hilda, there’s a difference between not being ashamed of wanting sex, and not wanting to have sex the first time you meet someone. Some people are comfortable with one-night stands, and some people want to get to know their potential partner better before getting naked. Neither’s wrong.”
“I want to have sex with Steve,” Brianna tells us. Mom’s eyeballing the amount of cream cheese Brianna’s slathering on her bagel, and I’m trying to not let my own eyeball twitch.
No one else notices. I’m oversensitive to it.
And that’s okay too. I know why. I’m working on only changing and worrying about the things I can actually control.
I can’t control my mother.
“Did you tell him that?” Julie asks Brianna.
She sniffs her bagel, smiles at it, and chomps down. “Not yet. He needs to earn me.”
“High five, sister.” Eugenie slaps palms with Brianna. “Way to identify what you want.”
“How’s school?” I ask Brianna.
She beams. “Good. I joined that study group with your friend D’Angelo, and I’ve never had more friends in my entire life. We’re doing laser tag tomorrow.”
“Aw, that’s fantastic!”
And it’s almost nine. I know Tyler’s flight home from Seattle was supposed to land about an hour ago. He should be nearly back at his condo by now, if he’s not already there.
He had the best game last night after a solid game two nights ago too. Rewarding him with all-day naked time is the only thing on my calendar until Monday. He’s earned it.
Even if he hadn’t played well, it’s still what I’d want to do.
I really hate my new rule about putting my phone on do not disturb during support group meetings.
We move on to asking Eugenie how her week was, then around the circle, me trying not to fidget and jumping in every time I’m afraid my mom will say something problematic or without thinking, Maren helping because she’s been doing this since she first asked me to help her find a boyfriend a year ago.
We’ve decided she’s incredibly picky and possibly not in a good headspace for a man, which is only hard since most of her core group of girlfriends—including Kami—are all settling down.