Joe’s stride faltered. His heart skipped a beat. He didn’t turn around.
‘I tried to tell you,’ she went on tearfully, ‘but you wouldn’t take my calls.’
Massaging his forehead, he tried to assimilate. Was she saying …? They’d been together, just before … Christ, she wasn’t, was she? ‘Was it mine?’ he managed, a hard lump expanding in his chest.
‘Yes,’ she said emphatically. ‘I know you probably won’t believe me. I know you have no reason to, but … I needed you, Joe.’ She choked back a sob. ‘We needed you.’
Joe sucked in a breath. ‘What happened?’ he asked, his throat thick.
‘I lost it,’ she said, more quietly. ‘I’d already lost you, I knew that; that there was no going back. I had to tell you, though; talk to you. I felt so lonely. I have nobody. Nothing left in my life. I just … can’t see what the point is any more.’
Jesus. Joe closed his eyes, clenched his jaw hard and turned back.
Twenty-Three
Sarah
‘He’ll come around,’ Becky tried to reassure her as Sarah trailed back into the kitchen after settling Ollie down. ‘It’s a lot to take on, after all, and it does sound like you jumped down his throat a bit. I mean, I’m not surprised you did, after all you’ve told me,’ she added quickly. ‘You must be beside yourself with worry, but give him some time, hey? He’s probably just trying to sort his feelings out.’
Nodding despondently, Sarah seated herself at the table, where Becky was pouring her a large medicinal wine. She had jumped down Joe’s throat. She’d done nothing but regale him with her problems, and he’d listened patiently, but still she hadn’t felt he was behind her. ‘That’s the problem, though, Becks.’ She sighed, and gratefully accepted the glass her friend offered her. ‘I don’t want him “coming around” if he’s too busy judging me to hear a single word I’m saying.’
‘Have you told him about what you found online?’ Becky asked, topping her own glass up.
‘No,’ Sarah replied gloomily. ‘It’s a bit difficult to talk when he’s not taking my calls.’
‘I suppose.’ Becky knitted her brow thoughtfully. ‘You said he’s on a course, though, right?’
‘He was today,’ Sarah confirmed, with another hefty sigh. ‘I texted him this evening, though. Called him a few times before that too.’
‘Still nothing?’
She shook her head. ‘I’m probably better off without him if I can’t rely on his support, aren’t I?’ she asked, part of her hoping that Becky would tell her she wasn’t. She missed him already.
Diplomatically, Becky didn’t answer.
‘I can’t believe he thinks I’m getting things out of perspective. Do you think I am? Be honest.’ Sarah locked her gaze on her friend’s, knowing she would tell her the truth, no matter how unpalatable.
‘Well …’ Becky hesitated. ‘To be honest, I did wonder,’ she admitted, causing Sarah’s heart to drop further than it already was, which was about shoe level. ‘But now, having seen Ollie’s poor mutilated bunny, and that Facebook profile … You did say she actually said she’d never been married?’
‘She said she ran scared of marriage because of her mother and stepfather – neither of whom she apparently gets on with. She said she’d had relationships and that her last partner was impossibly controlling. She never once mentioned anything about a child. I’m not imagining that that’s odd, am I?’
Taking a glug of her wine, Becky shook her head. ‘No,’ she said, after a lengthy swallow. ‘You need to talk to Steve about it. And soon. I could come with you, if you like? Moral support and all that. And if loopy Laura causes any problems, I could always scratch her eyes out for you.’ She flexed her nail extensions.
Sarah smiled weakly. ‘I’m not jealous, Becks,’ she assured her. ‘I’m worried about Ollie. I can’t believe that Joe actually thinks I am jealous. I was absolutely staggered when I realised he thought I was some sort of paranoid neurotic.’
Becky baulked. ‘He actually said that?’
‘No, not as such,’ Sarah backtracked, realising that he hadn’t. That that was her interpretation of what he’d said. ‘It’s obvious he does think I’m obsessing, though. I can’t understand why he can’t see that something is off. I know Steve is probably blinded by love or whatever, but I was sure that Joe would take me seriously. Clearly, he doesn’t. He imagines I’m still in love with Steve, unbelievably. I thought that after we …’ She stopped, her cheeks heating up at the thought of how intimate Joe and she had been.
‘Made love?’ Becky coaxed, reaching across the table for her hand.
Nodding, Sarah willed the tears back. Recalling the way he’d kissed her, his hands and his mouth exploring every inch of her body before making sweet, meaningful love to her – it had been meaningful to her, anyway – her heart dipped painfully. He’d held her so close afterwards, as if he would never let her go. And now it seemed he had let her go, without even a goodbye, and it hurt, excruciatingly.
Drawing in a shuddery breath, she took another large sip of her wine. She was grateful that Becky had turned up with an ear and a bottle after she’d poured her heart out to her on the phone. She didn’t generally drink during the week, but realising that Joe didn’t care about her as much as she’d thought he did, she’d decided there were worse things she could do than break her own rules. Sobbing herself to sleep and staying in bed until she got over him wasn’t an option with a child to look after. Had Joe considered that when he’d decided to take the coward’s way out and not return her calls? That she would still have to drag herself up and keep going for Ollie’s sake? Probably. Her soldiering on because she had no other choice would allow him to waltz off with a clear conscience, wouldn’t it?
Feeling suddenly desperately lonely, her heart sank another inch. And then jolted when her phone rang right next to her on the table. Even knowing she shouldn’t jump to answer it, she snatched it up anyway.
‘Joe?’ Becky asked, as she checked the number.
‘Finally.’ Sarah ran a hand under her nose, glad that he couldn’t see her, still in her jeans and her rescue centre T-shirt that smelled of dog. She hardly noticed it any more, but she was sure other people might. As for her mad crop of mousy curls, even Becky had looked a bit startled when she’d answered the door. It had clearly turned into an even more unflattering demented frizz after she’d got caught in a torrential summer shower earlier.
‘I’ll just pop to the loo,’ Becky said, giving her hand a squeeze as she got to her feet. She really was a good friend. Sarah smiled appreciatively. Perhaps she should just give up on men, since she seemed to make such a mess of everything.
‘Sarah, hi, it’s Joe,’ he said as she braced herself and took the call.
‘I gathered,’ she said. ‘I also gathered you’ve been rather busy,’ she added, trying to keep the sarcasm from her voice.