We’ve only just began
Will my heart ever mend?
-broken
Telling the girls later that day wasn’t as easy. In fact, it was unbearable. We had breakfast, the girls played with their toys, and then I told them I had to get going. At first they didn’t understand.
“Why?” Camdyn asks, her eyes darting to Barron and then back to me.
“I have to get going today,” I say, my words shaking. I glance at Barron who’s leaning against the wall, his eyes downcast on the floor, as if he can’t bear to look at me. He’s chewing on the inside of his cheek, fidgeting with his shirtsleeve, a solid veil of armor on his heart. “I just stayed for Christmas, and now I have to get going.”
“My spell not work.” Sev glares and then stomps away to her room.
Barron sighs. “She’ll be okay,” he tells me, following her and leaving me alone with Camdyn.
She’s sitting on the edge of the couch, her feet dangling off the edge with the boots I got her still on her feet. She hasn’t taken them off since she opened them. Even slept in them last night. Her dark eyes find mine. “I forgot to feed Lulu.” She gasps, eyes widening.
“Want me to walk over there with you?”
She’s hesitant but slides off the couch and reaches for my hand. “Okay.”
“You know I have to leave,” I tell Camdyn as we feed Lulu carrots, feeling like my heart is going to burst into a million pieces.
She hands her another carrot. Lulu gobbles it down and sniffs my hands in search of more. Camdyn’s eyes drift to mine, burrowed in confusion. “Why?”
“I was only here because your daddy was fixing my car,” I remind her. “He did that so now I should be going.”
“Where are you going?”
I reach up and run my hand over Lulu’s mane. “I’m not sure. Maybe Tennessee.”
“I don’t want you to go,” she whispers, her voice so small and innocent that I’m reminded she’s only five and doesn’t understand this. “Why don’t you like us enough?”
“It’s not that I don’t like you enough, honey.” I press my lips to the top of her head, brushing her hair from her soft face. “You know that movie Rapunzel?”
Camdyn nods.
“Well, you know how her mom kept her trapped in that tower?”
Another nod.
“That’s what my life used to be like. I lived for others. What I could do for them. And just like Rapunzel, I’ve been freed from my tower, and now I get to experience all this cool stuff for the first time. Things I’ve never done before to find myself.”
Her eyes dart around the barn and then back to me. “So you’re finding yourself?”
“Yes, exactly like that.”
She sighs, emotions she probably doesn’t understand moving through her. Her eyes meet mine, a tender plea in them. “We can steal your battery again.”
I smile. I saw the battery in the parts room one day. I didn’t say anything because I was so happy they wanted me to stay that they were willing to steal parts off my car to do it. “What?”
Camdyn swallows nervously. “Uh, I wasn’t supposed to say that.”
I lift her up into my arms. “Probably not, huh?”
“No.”
She takes my face in her hands, much like her dad does when he kisses me. “Will you come back after you find yourself?”
Heat rushes to my cheeks. “I’m not sure, but if I do, I’m coming to see you first, okay?”
Her eyes light up, a smirk that mirrors Barron’s surfaces. “Deal. But don’t runs into the shop this time.”
“Deal.”
When we get back to the house, Barron is checking the oil in my car. I watch Camdyn disappear into the house and the door close behind her. “Is Sev okay?”
Barron nods. “That’s the cool thing about kids, they forget easily.”
The words aren’t meant to hurt me, but they do. I wish I could forget all the times my mom made me feel not good enough. I want to run inside the house and hug Sev, but I don’t want to make this worse for them.
Smiling at Barron, I watch his face, waiting to see what his reaction will be. He keeps his emotions masked, eyes on the field behind me. I touch his forearm, curling my fingers around it. “You stole my battery.”
A soft smile graces his beautiful lips as he lowers the hood to my car. It clanks shut, and then he turns, leaning into the fender. “I did.”
I stand in front of him, my keys in hand. “Why?”
“Because I wanted you to stay.”
My heart skips a beat. “And now?”
He sighs heavily, his voice fearful, like he’s hoping any minute I’m going to say “just kidding, I’m staying.” “Now… I think you need to experience you. And if at some point that leads you back into my life, then I suppose that’s fate.”
My heart cracks with his words. “How does a guy like you exist in the world?” I can barely look at him, terrified to lose him. As much as I know I should leave, I don’t want to.
His face is contorted into what I can only assume is agony, and he turns away, pulling his hands through his hair. “Fuck.” He grunts painfully.
I grab him by the shirt and yank him toward me, refusing to allow space between us.
The absolute worst part is when he lets me go. Our eyes meet, and they stay locked for a moment, remembering the connection we have together. Barron reaches up and twirls a lock of my hair between his fingers. He watches the auburn dance in his hand before letting it fall.
I hug him tighter and exhale the breath I had been holding. I lift my hand and rest my chin on his chest, looking up at him.
He doesn’t smile. “I’ll always remember this… with you,” he says, attempting to smile, but it doesn’t touch the pain in his eyes.
“I will too.”
It hurts to watch, but it’s harder to look away as he takes in the reality of me leaving. His eyes drift to my car. “Will you promise me something?”
I nod.
He runs his hand over my hair and keeps his eyes on mine. “If you ever find yourself in Amarillo again, you come see me?”
I bury my head in his chest, savoring the connection I know will be gone once we break apart. I’m not trying to choke back the tears, and neither is Barron. His eyes are freaking bloodshot, and it looks like this hardened cowboy might shed a tear over this. But he doesn’t.
“Thanks for crashing into my life,” he says slowly, his breath on my skin, his words filling my heart. I squeeze my eyes shut, hot tears spilling onto my cheeks as I take in his words. Then he lets go and creates distance, raising his hand to cup my face. “Take care of yourself,” he mumbles, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear. Kissing me once more, he removes my hands from around his neck, kisses my knuckles, and then lets my hands fall. “And be safe.” Without another glance, he walks toward the house.
My heart skips and then beats faster. I never planned on being on that ranch road three weeks ago. I didn’t plan to fall for dark, mysterious eyes and two little girls who looked at me as if I was the sun, desperate for warmth and love from a mother figure when I was so dependent on that very same thing.