My eyebrows lift and my hands begin to shake. “First of all, you heard the middle of a conversation. And second, even if I had meant those things in that context, getting pissed at me about it isn’t fair and you know it. We were together for a long time. But I don’t feel about him like I feel about you.”
His face pinches like I’ve just swiped a knife across his skin. “I want to believe that. I really fucking want to believe that. But the more I think about it, the more I don’t understand how you could have stayed. How you could have told him you’d marry him, how you could have bought a house with him. If you truly loved me the whole time.”
“I wasn’t supposed to love you. As far as I knew, you didn’t want more from me than what we shared that summer.”
“You don’t play house with one guy when you have feelings for another, Hayden. Especially when I told you how I felt.”
Dammit, I knew I should have told him about the letter sooner. I just… I also knew he’d be pissed and I didn’t want what happened with Lane just a few minutes ago to happen at all if I could have avoided it.
“Jesse, I didn’t know.”
“I know I should have told you face-to-face, but I still told you. I still poured my heart out in that letter and you never even acknowledged it.”
“I didn’t know about the letter,” I clarify, despite the lump in my throat and the ominous ache in my stomach.
“What?”
“I didn’t know. I didn’t see the letter.”
He stares at me, his eyes darting back and forth between mine. “What do you mean, you didn’t see it?”
“Lane found it and he kept it from me. I didn’t even know it existed until I found it in his desk while I was looking for something else.”
Jesse laughs, though there isn’t an ounce of humor in his eyes. “Wow, that’s great. I bet he read it, too.”
I nod and he pushes off the couch, fists clenched.
“I should have killed that fucker.” He paces away and then spins back to me. “But you eventually found out. You eventually realized how I felt.”
“I found the letter the day I left him.”
“What?” he asks again.
“Yeah,” I rasp, my throat raw with emotion. “Jesse, everything you said… how you felt…”
His face twists as if my words aren’t computing. “For four fucking years, you had no idea. Every time I came to pick up Jett and drop him off. You never knew?”
I shake my head, tears stinging in my eyes.
“Fuck!” He scrubs his hands over his face and pivots away again.
“I wish I would have known. I wish I—”
“Why’d you go back to him in the first place if you had feelings for me?” he demands, voice raw.
“Because we were both very clear that feelings were off the table before we got involved.”
“But you got pregnant, Hayden. All that just for fun shit changed the second that happened.”
“You think that’s not exactly what I wanted? I came here to tell you, hoping you’d tell me you felt something, too. But you didn’t. All you said was that you would support me in any way you could. That you’d be there for the baby. Not me.”
“Because you were already back with him!”
“I would have changed that in a second if I would have known how you felt!”
“That’s where you lose me, babe. I don’t understand why your response to thinking I didn’t care was to go back to him and stay with him, even after you found out you were pregnant. If it was me you truly wanted, why not just be alone? Why go back to a guy who’d already hurt you? A guy who’d be so fucking shady as to keep us apart?”
I blink at him, the answer too shameful to say out loud. The truth is, I stayed because being in a less than ideal relationship fit better into that silly plan I had in my head than being a single mom at twenty-two.
I’ve never regretted getting pregnant with Jett, but becoming a mom before I ticked off the most significant boxes of that plan had scared the crap out of me. I’d worked so hard so I wouldn’t have to worry about putting my future family in an unstable situation and then—boom—that’s exactly what happened.
Staying with Lane? It wasn’t perfect. We weren’t perfect. But, at the time, it seemed like a better alternative to raising a child on my own.
“Hayden, I don’t doubt that you love me in some capacity. But how the hell do I know that you’re not here now for the same reasons you stayed with him? Because you’re scared to screw up. And because you’re even more afraid of how all of this might impact Jett.” He breaks off with a heavy exhale. “Don’t get me wrong, babe. As his dad, I appreciate you wanting to do everything you possibly can for our boy, but, if I’m going to be your partner in this, I need to know you’re doing it for the right reasons.”
“I am here for the right reasons. There isn’t a doubt in my mind. But you are right about me being afraid,” I confess, swiping at my tears with hasty fingertips. “I’ve been scared to death that I’d finally tell you how I felt and you wouldn’t believe me. Just like this.”
His face crunches. “I’m not saying I don’t believe you. I’m saying that you owe it to yourself to take some time and be sure you know exactly what it is you want. That you’re not here because it’s the right thing to do for Jett or for me or for that damn plan you’ve always had.”
I flinch, and he tips his head to the side, knowingly.
“That’s why you stayed with him, isn’t it?”
Heat fills my cheeks and I glance away.
“I get it,” he says gently. “I just wish I’d realized sooner.”
“Me, too.” I wish I’d realized a lot of things sooner, but here we are.
He blows out a breath. “The thing is… I think you did know. You were just too afraid to admit it, even to yourself.”
“I’m admitting it now. Doesn’t that matter more?”
He shakes his head. “It took you finding a letter I wrote four years ago for that to happen, Hayden.”
“What are you saying?”
He runs a hand around the back of his neck and sighs. “Four years ago, I took a risk telling you how I felt, knowing there was a chance you wouldn’t feel the same and that it could ruin everything between us. I did it anyway, Hayden. Because sometimes we have to say fuck the consequences. Fuck the plan. Fuck it all and take the risk.”
“Coming here and not knowing if we still had a chance… That was a risk.”
“Not really, babe.” He smiles sympathetically. “You’ve played it safe. Staying with him, not telling me how you felt until I cleared the way…”
“I don’t understand.” I want to, but… But it sounds an awful lot like he’s breaking up with me and I’m not sure I can handle that. Not when I just got him back.
“I need you to be brave on your own. Not for me, but for you.”
“This is me being the bravest I know how to be.”
He eyes me for a long moment, no judgment or condemnation in his eyes, just patience and understanding. “You remember that girl who came to Cole Creek five years ago? The one who showed up at the lake one Saturday afternoon looking for a guy she barely knew?”