He looked up at me grinning when I brought his milk over, and as happened more than once a day, I felt a pang in my chest at how much he reminded me of Sal when he smiled.
I missed my brother.
I missed Axel most of all.
In all these months trying to forget, it was his face and his voice I heard every night before bed.
My heart was a glutton for punishment.
Those grey eyes were burned into my memory with a tenacity time and distance could not erase. Despite every effort to forget, I’d never felt for any man the way I’d felt for him. It was terrifying and consuming.
Maddox gurgled, reminding me I was spacing out again, holding his milk. “Sorry, sweetie,” I murmured, scooping his chubby body up in my arms and moving to the couch to feed him.
I watched him drink, my hand stroking over his soft hair as his eyes began to droop. My own eyes wanted to follow, but I forced them open long enough to finish up and put my sweet boy to bed.
He’d just started sleeping through the night. How I’d gotten through those first few months of him waking every few hours or better yet, nights he didn’t sleep at all, I still didn’t know.
I showered and dressed for bed, climbing in under my covers. Maddox slept in a small alcove in the living room that was meant to be an office space. I’d tried having him sleep in my room, but that didn’t seem to work for either one of us. It wasn’t like I had a social life that our living situation disrupted.
I was lonely, desperately so, and at times, terrified of the future. But I was also a hell of a lot stronger than I’d ever realized. I was proud of the woman I was, of the mother I’d been from the moment the nurses placed Maddox in my arms asking where his daddy was.
Chapter 2
“How about that guy from 3B?” Jill prodded as we sat on her couch, each with a glass of wine in hand. She was referring to our neighbor who’d asked me out repeatedly.
Both boys were crashed out in Mason’s room. This was the only way either of us got a ‘night out’ and we took advantage whenever possible.
I wrinkled my brow and shook my head. “No spark,” I sighed.
“You always say that.” She rolled her eyes heavenward. Jill was beautiful and exotic looking with her Native American ancestry. Her dark hair shone with a gorgeous gloss I often had to reach out and touch. She was seven years older than me, but I’d never even noticed the age difference.
“Well, it’s true,” I defended with a huff.
“Soph,” she sighed. “I know you don’t like to talk about your past and you know I won’t pry. But whatever it was – whatever it is, don’t you think it’s time to move on? You’re gorgeous. You look amazing and you just had a baby six months ago– you lucky bitch,” she snarked with a grin. “Go out, meet a hot man and let him take you to bed!” she coaxed.
I blushed and shook my head. My only experience with sex had started out amazing and ended with him freaking out with a capital F.
I thought back to that evening so often the binding of the book in my memory was well worn.
She rolled her eyes at me. “Fine,” she sighed, as she always did when the subject came up.
“Tim’s coming home soon,” I put in, trying to distract her by mentioning her husband. He’d been gone for three months and was due back the following week.
“Yeah,” she smiled, though it didn’t touch her eyes. She didn’t talk about Tim much and I’d never pried. God knows, I had my own secrets.
“I’m glad.” I squeezed her hand briefly. “I’m beat, time for bed,” I announced, rising to stretch. “I’ll go sneak in and grab Mad,” I said around a yawn.
“Thanks for hanging out,” she smiled.
“Anytime.” I grinned back with a wink. Jill was a true friend. It killed me that she could only know a piece of me, but I’d take what I could get.
I fell asleep that night thinking about that damned spark. I thought about how it was so fierce with Axel; it was almost a life force all its own. Maybe I’d just be alone forever since I couldn’t seem to settle for anything less.
*****
“Bella, your order’s up!” Dwayne called the next evening.
I rolled my eyes at the most southern man I’d ever known calling me ‘Bella’ but he’d done it from day one. We’d seriously discussed a name change for him over a bottle of Chianti one night, but had quickly moved on to discuss men, his favorite subject. The man was many things – someone who fit the name ‘Dwayne’ wasn’t one of them.
To me, Dwayne was a name for a cattle rancher or maybe a mechanic down on his luck. It certainly didn’t fit with my leopard print and sequin shirt-wearing friend whose hips swayed so dramatically when he walked, I was worried he’d end up with permanent damage.
The tips were great on weekends, and if I had to deal with prima donna Dwayne, then so be it. Truth be told, I sort of loved the guy. Though I’d never tell him that; he’d force that high-school musical movie marathon party on me, which he’d threatened me with from the moment we met. He promised it would be the best night of our lives. Unsurprisingly, I wasn’t convinced.
“Got it,” I answered, sweeping in to gather the steaming platters of eggplant parmesan and penne primavera.
When I turned to deliver the food, I nearly dropped it on the floor. Henry, the president of The Sinners, a motorcycle club who partnered often with the Knights, and his lady were sitting in front of a bottle of wine waiting for their food. I’d switched mid-shift with Betty and had no idea they were here until now.
“Shit,” I breathed. I didn’t think they’d seen me, but I spun on my heel nonetheless. “D, can you please deliver these to table 5,” I hissed with panic.
“Why, sugar?” he asked, looking over my shoulder in question.
“Please, they’re nice people. I just…I can’t see them. Please?” I asked again, unable to curb my clear desperation.
He looked at me with concern before nodding. “Sure thing, sugar plum,” he agreed, taking the platter from me and strutting his way to their table.
I hid out in the kitchen until Dwayne gave me the all-clear. He covered all my tables for that hour. I owed him a favor, which meant I’d likely be seeing a lot of Zac Efron in my future.
“Thanks,” I sighed, shoving off from the counter I sat on.
“No problem, honey.” He patted my leg and didn’t ask anything more.
Another week went by. Mad was cutting a tooth so I was exhausted when I walked in that evening to start my shift. I felt like a zombie with a notepad as I moved from table to table.
“Table 10’s a hottie!” Dwayne squealed with a wink. I gave him a small nod and with half a grin, headed in that direction.
“Can I take your order?” I asked, my eyes on my notepad.
“I’ll have the lasagna – and you,” the familiar voice answered.
My heart stopped. I gasped, my eyes wide, all exhaustion forgotten and replaced with adrenalin.
I looked up into familiar grey eyes and felt panic and lust all at once.
“Hi, Soph,” he greeted, his tone calm, though his eyes glittered with an unspoken emotion.
He looked amazing. His hair was shorter, the familiar curls gone but his beard remained. He looked bigger, more muscular but it was possible I’d forgotten how big he’d always been.