“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Why’s that, you think? Too many people at your place?”
“Maybe.” I’d grown accustomed to every little noise, day and night. Like dropping a penny into a pond, having two extra people there had altered the surface calm, and the changes reverberated deep down.
“Gotta admit,” Taggart said thoughtfully, “it was weird seeing that pretty man sleeping all cozy on your shoulder.”
“Can I ask you something, Tag?” I’d never get a better opening.
“Shoot.”
“Did you ever wonder if I was queer?”
“Queer? Not really.” His eyes narrowed. “There was no doubt you wanted Serena. I caught you guys in flagrante more than once.”
“Did not,” I scoffed.
“Did too, brother. I caught you right after the wedding and also in the parked car in your garage.”
I remembered that vividly. Serena had been mortified.
“In my defense, we had three kids. We got busy when we found time.”
“I guess you did,” he teased lightly.
“You ever heard of the spectrum of sexuality?”
“Yeah, yeah. I have. What about it?”
“I had to look it up online. About people who aren't…who don't seem all that motivated sexually, I mean. There's like a whole long list. Asexual, aromantic, abrosexual, demisexual. I think I'm that last one.”
“That a Bruce Willis joke?” He must have read the look on my face because he hastily added, “All right. So you think you're demisexual.”“I don’t know.” Why did people have to label things all the time? “Maybe?”
“Seems like sex is sex,” he mused. “Remind me what demisexuals do differently again?”
“They don’t do things differently. Fuck's sake.” I snorted. “Demisexuals need to form strong emotional connections before they get interested in…you know. Bopping.”
“Bopping,” he repeated. “What are you, twelve? Bopping.”
He had me there. “All right.”
“So, what you’re saying is demisexuals don’t act on immediate physical attraction. They act on emotional connection?”
“Maybe?” I was guessing there. “Everyone always says men are so visually stimulated, but I never was. The guys used to give me shit about that all the time.”
“Okay, so…extrapolate. What if you were to form a strong emotional connection with a man? Does that mean you’d want him romantically?”
“Maybe.” I don’t know why my face wasn’t drawing moths, it felt so hot. “If I was bi, I might.”
“Are you?”
With a sudden, visceral clarity, I recalled Sebastian’s soft, shivering cries when he came.
“That’s affirmative, apparently.” I acknowledged the truth.
“Well, goddamn.” He looked as fondly at me as he did his sleeping baby. “Look at you zig when all of us believed you only liked zagging.”
“It’s not a foregone conclusion or anything.”
“Yet here we are,” he said knowingly.
I coughed. “Where’s that, exactly?”
“We are up in the middle of the night talking about your sexuality. That’s where we are.”
I was aghast. “You ever imagine such a thing?”
“If I had, I’d have brought a voice-activated recorder so I could play this entire conversation back for Ariel.”
“Fuck you.” My face burned. “Is this going to change things between us?”
He looked at me for the longest time. “Now that’s just insulting. What do you think?”
“Yes or no?”
“No! As if.” He grew serious. “But even if it’s true you found someone, you still need to make things right with Serena and the kids. You owe Serena an apology for how you left things with her, and I hope you’ll consider inviting the kids to be part of your new life.”
“You’re right. Of course you’re right.” It wasn’t easy to admit, but I’d gone that far. “But don’t let being right this once go to your head.”
“Remember Saturday. I’ll text you the date and time. Bring Molly and Sebastian if they want to come. Ari has already absorbed them like a happy amoeba, so you might as well.” He stood, unconsciously rocking Artemis as he spoke. “And get some sleep, dumbass.”
“Pot, kettle, big daddy.” I stood. “If you ever need any more of my baby wrangling tips and tricks, be sure to let me know.”
“Yeah, yeah.” To the sky, he said, “He’ll be here all week. Be sure and tip your waitress.”
“Love you,” I called when I was almost too far away for him to hear.
“Me too, Stoney.”
I walked home with a lighter heart.
The more I acknowledged that I might be different, the more it felt like an immense weight dropped off my shoulders. I was no longer uncomfortable about the things I wanted. I wasn’t some weird, cold dude, who couldn’t be bothered with sex.
Rather than constantly asking myself why I wasn’t like everyone else, I now wondered if anyone else I knew was like me. Did I want to share what I’d learned or meet other people who experienced attraction the way I did? Maybe.
How many of them thought they were broken, or frigid, or wrong?
If I shared my story, would it help someone else?
When I made it home a while later, I put the kettle on for tea.
I was standing in the mostly dark kitchen staring out the window when footsteps approached from the hall behind me. I turned to find Sebastian in the kitchen doorway wearing his slanket one-armed. Morrigan followed him in. She stopped just inside the door, sniffing the air to see what I’d been up to without her.
“Trouble sleeping?” Sebastian asked.
“I went out for a bit.” I turned on the light over the stove. Got chamomile tea from the cupboard. “It’s good to be home. How about you? Is everything okay?”
Were we going to talk about what happened between us or not?
“I had a hard time getting comfortable,” he admitted.
I guess not.
“I’m sorry.” I checked Sebastian’s medication schedule on my phone. “It’s time for a pain pill. I’m making tea if you want some.”
He pulled a chair out and sat at the table. “Thank you.”
“You’ve been eating like a bird.” I got him a bowl of cut fruit and a yogurt cup. “You need to eat if you want to keep up your strength.”
“Eating is a lot of bother for me right now.”
“If you’re asking me for help, it’s no trouble.” I sat opposite him and forked up a bite size piece of melon.
He took it and chewed thoughtfully. “I didn’t want to presume.”
“Do I seem like the kind of guy who lets people take advantage of him?”
He gave a sly grin. “You probably don’t want the answer to that.”
The little monster. “Trust me when I say I’m happy to feed you as long as you need me to.”
He nodded without looking up.
“What?” I peeled the lid off the yogurt and licked it out of habit before spooning up a dollop for Sebastian.